Feeling nothing about death

[OliviaBenson101]

My DM died this week. Not entirely unexpected as she had dementia and was at the late stages but still, didn't really see it coming right now.

However, I feel nothing. I haven't shed a tear, I don't feel that upset about it. I do feel relief. It was time. In fact, I feel exactly as I thought I would feel - I am quite black and white when it comes to life and death, and accepting of it. Life goes on. I've personally struggled to understand when people grieve for months and months because it seems unnatural to me. (I realise that I am probably the anomaly here).

Anyway, I am sure when the funeral comes I will feel something as funerals do tend to affect me but in the meantime I am really struggling with the sympathies from people. Everyone keeps saying how awful it is, how bad I must be feeling, how it must be a struggle - but it's not, I feel so insincere accepting these sympathies.

Please tell me this is relatively normal - and that I am not going to head for a big crash at some point? Do I just smile and accept the sympathies - it feels like I need to ham it up a bit and almost act out being more distraught than I am 😧 I don't know if it's because of the dementia, I feel I lost her five years ago.

My father died of dementia 8 years ago, and I felt nothing then, cried a bit at the funeral, and nothing since. I sometimes wonder if there's something amiss. But logically, it does make sense to me, dementia can be a slow bereavement, so when the end comes, it's just like a full stop rather than a loss. That's what I've settled on anyway! Also, late stage dementia is so harrowing, it can be a huge relief when it ends.

"I don't know if it's because of the dementia, I feel I lost her five years ago".

This is it, exactly @OliviaBenson101 you've had a long goodbye already.

I'm so sorry for your loss, dementia is such a cruel disease for the families of the sufferer. 🌻

Dementia is a horrible disease that robs the individual of their personality , so it may be that you've already done your grieving/accepted that your DM was gone. I remember when my grandma died of dementia I felt very little too - she'd been gone for years - the person who died was just a shell really. She didn't know who she was, who we were, by the end she had lost everything that made her her and gave her any enjoyment in life. She had been merely existing, which is horrible, a living death. I think it's normal to feel relief, both for them and for you.

OP I think it's sort of normal when dealing with dementia - my mum called it the long goodbye.

My father died in January after several years with dementia, and I didn't cry at his funeral. Like you, I felt relief that he wasn't suffering anymore. I had spent the last few years grieving for him in stages, so when the end came it wasn't a surprise it was like a weight had been lifted.

Don't feel bad, you know what your mum went through, and her suffering is over now. In time you will hopefully remember her as she was, before dementia took hold.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You will have been going through anticipatory grief. Don't feel bad about how you feel or beat yourself up.

Op you are completely normal. My DM died after a long illness requiring 24/7 care .
We were all exhausted and i think there is a taboo around admitting the loss of an elderly parent is a relief. My diblings and I were pretty stoic about her death and the concept of the circle of life. The death of an elderly person is totally different from that of someone taken early and should be a celebration of life. That said I miss my DM and remember her v fondly.

Im also very practical around death, my mum died suddenly two years ago and I’ve had one or two moments of general sadness and a small bit of private crying, which is just a natural form of tension release and that’s it, didn’t shed a tear on the day of the funeral. Grief isn’t a one size fits all thing, maybe it’s because I expected her death because of her unhealthy lifestyle, or this could just be who I am.

Its wrong of me to say this, so please don’t jump on me, as I know it’s not always in our control and the types of deaths vary considerably, but I find huge public displays of grief embarrassing and childish, but we are all different.

Best wishes to you OP, remember things you loved concerning your mum, but the best way to deal with death is to live your life.

My MIL is in the very late stages of dementia and it kind of feels like the person we knew and who brought up my DH has already gone and there is only a shell left , we've effectively already said goodbye as she can't remember anything now and we only have our memories. It will be a blessing once she's away as there's nothing left of her now.

I think your feelings are normal OP.

I felt the same - my mum died a few months ago and I have been waiting for it to really catch me up. I have had a few sad moments and have found my mood relatively flat, but have been surprised and a bit guilty about not being more distraught.

I found that I got sad about 6 weeks later after a few days off from work, when I was less busy. The funeral was lots of busy-ness and also quite lovely because we saw so many good friends and family. It wasn't until all of that was out of the way that I had space to feel sad, and even then, it's been very manageable.