Hey everyone
I'm really not sure if anyone is even on mumsnet on Xmas day! This Christmas is just heart breaking for me.
My mum died 3 weeks ago today, she passed away in the hospital that she had only Been in from 4pm on the Tuesday and she passed the Wednesday morning at 2:30am. I got there at about 3:30am.
I wasn't with her! It's devastating me and I'm so broken.
I'm 31 years old with 3 children who all love my mum so much. She had alot of health issues and has declined rapidly over the last few months. She had COPD, heavy drinker all her life, liver issues (solid proof after death) and more but she unfortunately didn't let any of us know the liver issues.
We (myself and brother) were also taking her to hospital appointments, getting perscriptions, having her stay and she kept up with saying it's just gallbladder issues. We did press her but then also felt that her health is personal and its up to her if she wants to share. That opinion changes all the time, if we should have pushed more (even though we did considerably for what she would tolerate) or if our decision not too was oka. I didn't outright just ask her are you dying, even though we all knew and i think she knew we did also. Anyway she has been in and out of hospital for the last year and i did try to get information on occasion but of course its private.
I've wrote that above in the Hope to explain a very complex situation just so it makes sense why we wasn't there and what kind of lady she was.
She stayed with us for a week about 2 weeks before she passed and spent lots of time with the kids, she was up and down then in terms of pain (taking mortine) sleepiness and so on but also seemed to eat the best in all the months before. She then though wanted to go home and she was meant to be back here a few days after she actually died. I didn't speak to her for two days (quite rare) before she died and on the Tuesday when ringing at 4pm she was already going to the hospital and the only reason I called is i didn't have college that night, normally I wouldnt be home until very late after an evening class. I did ring over and over and text but due to the nature of my mum's difficult character, mental issues and presuming she is just asleep I assured myself i would speak to her later, then i fell asleep at 9, woken by 2:30. Noramally i woukd wake to a call back at 10ish from a sleepy mum saying she had been alseep all afternoon, because she had been up all night ! Restless leg and breathing issues from COPD!
She refused us in to the staff and they asked her over and over. They described her as being adamant that myself and brother shouldn't be there.
Im So heartbroken. I wanted to help her, I was trying to move her closer to me and i wanted to just do so much for her. I had councellling to try and get rid of any walls I had from childhood and how she is to help her at the end, I knew it was coming and really was trying to prepare both mentally and physically. I never got to and I'm just so sad and I feel alone. I miss my mum terribly and even though she has her issues and our relationship was traumatic at time's in childhood especially we were very close. I would say emotionally close not physically as like I said the wall! But I wanted to get that sorted even without her participating in that.
I guess I'm looking for comfort and experiences of what others have been through. I feel very lost and this day which would normally be spent with my husband, 3 kids and and Mt mum has been devastating.
I guess 3 weeks is early days, I do though feel scared for how long I'm going to grieve. I'm not sure how I will function when going back to normality in January! Also trying to study, how on earth is that going to happen !
Hope this wasn't mumbled garbage, I really don't care for correcting anything on this annoying phone!