“I’m sorry”

[Wallawallakoala]

Mum just passed away today and I’m dreading telling people because I do not know how to respond to all the people who are going to say “I’m sorry”. I understand people are being kind but I’m going to struggle with this. Family kept their distance through the first diagnosis so it has just been me and my sibling arranging everything and physically caring for DM right until the end, so there is a little anger there and asking how we are and saying I’m sorry I selfishly don’t have the patience for.

please help me be socially acceptable during this time!

I think it is definitely ok to just not respond. People understand it's overwhelming when you lose a parent.
I'm so sorry your mum has died. It's such a hard thing to go through.

Sorry to hear you're dealing with the death of your lovely mum.

I think you've touched on some of the good ideas - you don't need to respond to messages a) because they're often just a one-way greeting & genuinely no need, and b) folk do genuinely understand you're not focussed on responding to them. But "liking" a message is a good recognition that you've seen & read it.

The other book I'd recommend is by Niamh Fitzpatrick "Tell Me The Truth About Loss". The death it centres around is that of her sister, so there are anecdotes about her - but it's more about the author's experience rather than a memoir. She touches on a few things that I always try to remember - the "stages" of grief isn't a linear process, more like waves & in no logical order; we don't "get over it" she uses a phrase (borrowed from someone else she credits) "some things can't be fixed, just carried"; "closure" isn't a concept many of us will relate to.

What I've taken from it too is that as we journey along with the highs and lows we experience, everyone else is journeying along but at a different pace & times when their highs & lows are different from ours. So sometimes our comms are a bit clumsy ... someone upthread mentioned about whether we truly understand .... and I think that's true, that we can never truly understand exactly what you're going through right now as all the other bits of your life impact that & our lives aren't exactly the same. But we can most certainly emphathise ..... and I hope you have plenty of that around you.

People have posted before about being upset because they returned to work after a bereavement & nobody said anything about it.

Where I work, we’re normally expected to come in 1 or 2 days per week. The first two times I tried returning to the office after Mum, well-meaning people asked how I was or expressed sympathy and I immediately burst into tears. I couldn’t help it. In the end I stayed on full WFH about twice as long as I’d expected to & the word went round not to say anything to me about Mum.

Colleagues who haven’t been through it themselves might now be wary of saying something in a similar situation, & it wouldn’t be because they didn’t care.

I lost my son, and it would never have occurred to me to object to the wording "I'm sorry for your loss". People need conventional expressions at such a time. Should we be poets in the face of a death? What bereaved person is in a position to appreciate finely crafted and original words? Which individuals would feel that this is the occasion for their originality and gift with words to be practised?

I understand that you are angry, OP, but I think that your anger is misdirected. It has to go somewhere and perhaps it is fair enough that it has found a relatively resilient and irrelevant target. I can remember being absolutely fucking furious with the funeral director and their employees, for some crassness or other. Forgive yourself your rage, OP, but you may have to forgive others too.

EDIT: Sorry, I have been way too harsh! Exactly the reaction I was counselling against. Bereavement makes us furious in the weirdest ways. Just give yourself permission to rage, OP.

It’s normal to feel angry - angry at those who let you down, angry at whatever bastard illness took your mum, angry at your mum for leaving you , etc .

I hope you can find a safe outlet for these feelings with close friends or loved ones.

I undertand the urge to vent that anger at the next random person who says “I’m sorry “, but we both know that will only make you feel bad in the longer term. Even if it’s partly deserved , it’s not the time and probably not the place and will use up your precious energy when you no doubt are exhausted.

I agree with PP that saying / texting “ thank you “ or ❤️ is just fine . You don’t need to do any more.

When my teenager died I had a couple of stock sentences that I basically memorised and used when I met people in RL and couldn’t think of what to say ( or had the urge to scream FUUUCK OFFF ). I found “ Thank you” wasn’t enough in person.

It was some version of

“ Yes it’s been a very difficult time, my husband / kids / sister have been a wonderful support and I’m glad I was able to be with him at the end “.

Then they would say something nice and then I’d say

I’m sorry it’s still very hard to talk about , I’m sure you understand”

followed by a quick exit.

That way I didn’t have to think about the “ right thing “ to say. I just pressed a button and the same phrases came out.

They were very useful when confronted by some random person in the supermarket / petrol station who said “ Are you Teens mum ? Im so sorry to hear about your son “.

Of course, looking back I can see they were being kind, I was burned out and couldn’t deal with it. But I’m glad I didn’t say “ what do you know, you only lost your elderly mother , my son had all his life in front of him so fuck right off “. Which I confess I was sometimes tempted to do.

Please feel free to ignore this if it’s not helpful 💐

No I think I need to be told don’t worry about being harsh I totally get what you mean. I even think it’s something I’d say! I just don’t know how to respond other than thank you. Which I guess seems ok. The anger is stemming from the people offering condolences who should have been there to help initially and weren’t. Just feels strange but it is just a way to sort of get in touch isn’t it.

really appreciate all of this I think I do need a reality check and the reassurance from you all.

I'm sorry means I feel sorrow that this has happened to you. It doesn't mean I'm sorry I caused this to happen to you. Surely that's clear?!

Every single one of these responses is helpful. Thank you. It’s amazing how comforting it’s been actually.

Yeah, I think they are people who definitely don’t feel sorrow though. This is why I need to maybe reframe it.

You can say well not sorry enough to actually be there to help were you if that might make you feel better? Let them have it! If they really let your mum down tell them.

Haha one of my good friends actually said I should say this but I’m usually quite well mannered and reserved so I think I’d then get the “have you thought about counselling” etc which from people I don’t know will go through me!

"I'm sorry" is a short version of "I'm sorry for your loss" but we seem to have lost the last phrase as a nation, out of embarrassment probably.

I guess it can also have the meaning of "I'm so sorry you're suffering". Or also "I'm sorry people have to die".

But why we should feel the need to thank someone for feeling compassionate is beyond me. I think a nod and a mmmm would be fine as a response.

Personally, I wish you strength now and in time a new peace

@debauchedsloth beautifully said thank you x

@Wallawallakoala it's a mad time and there's such a lot of pressure to conform to "acceptable grief" but don't let that get to you. It's ok to be angry and it's ok to not be crying sad.
You don't have to say thank you to anyone, just heart comments or give a big sigh.
If people didn't help you when your mum was dying, that's a perfectly valid reason to feel angry with them, even if you don't know why they did that. Get a big piece of paper and write it all down in big letters and then burn it or rip it up. You'll feel so much better!!!

That sounds quite cathartic I’m going to do that!