“I’m sorry”

[Wallawallakoala]

Mum just passed away today and I’m dreading telling people because I do not know how to respond to all the people who are going to say “I’m sorry”. I understand people are being kind but I’m going to struggle with this. Family kept their distance through the first diagnosis so it has just been me and my sibling arranging everything and physically caring for DM right until the end, so there is a little anger there and asking how we are and saying I’m sorry I selfishly don’t have the patience for.

please help me be socially acceptable during this time!

Condolences on your loss

If I were you, I'd graciously accept and acknowledge any "I'm sorry"s at a time like this. be the magnanimous one. Now isn't the time for checks and balances, who did what etc.

In your situation, I would reconcile it in your mind that you did the right thing, you were there when the chips were down, nobody can take that away from you. You'll always be able to look back with pride on the efforts you took to make sure your DMs needs were met.

this next period will be very emotionally charged for you, mixed with your personal sense of loss, so cut yourself some slack, let it wash over and focus on yourself and your sibling.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I have already fielded a lot of messages with thank yous and I will continue to be gracious I think I just needed a bit of a boost and someone to remind me that. Just feeling very alone but I do understand that people may want to be there for me and might not know how.

It's totally heartbreaking losing someone you love, somehow it's even more painful when it's so close to a celebration day. If someone is sending a card or message acknowledging your loss, it means you are in their thoughts. I'm at that age now, when sadly lots of my friends are losing parents, I don't expect any acknowledgement of my condolences, it's just away to tell them I'm there if they need a shoulder, and I'm thinking of them. Sometimes a 'sorry for your loss' is simpler than any 'fluffy' / sentimental wording.
for you OP, allow yourself time, grief is a strange emotion, you'll find sometimes you are okay and other days you'll just want to cry, even months and years later, there isn't a right or wrong and there isn't a time limit. The rest of the world moves on, but you'll still have days when you'll just want your mum, and that's hard.

Thank you x I think that’s the hardest part for other people to understand because mum was a lot younger than she maybe “should have been”

I completely get where you are coming from OP, I lost my 22 year old son in an accident in 2022 and it honestly brought out the bitch in me when people said "I'm sorry" or "he is in a better place now" or all the other shit people say when they don't really know what to say.
I didn't want sympathy or people tiptoeing around me I just wanted people to acknowledge just how shit it was and that there are no words anyone could ever say to make it better.

Your heart will be hurting right now and you will get irrationally angry and your emotions will change from one minute to the next and it really is a rollercoaster.
Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling at any time.

You don’t have to respond if you don’t have the emotional capacity. People are sorry - that’s it. I think people will understand that you’re grieving and it’s a difficult time of the year anyway. They will forgive you for your silence. (Or should do if they’re in any way normal.)

Sending love. I actively avoid saying "sorry" when someone I know experiences a death. I loathed it when my mum died. Why are you sorry? It's not your fault is it?
I didn't lose her either. If I had, I'd be looking for her in John Lewis.
We are rubbish about talking about death though. Be kind to yourself, let it wash over you & know that nobody knows exactly what to say, but they're trying.

Just say thank you

The one thing that unites us all as a human race is that everyone on this earth will lose someone they love. None of us are coming out of this alive.

How we express our regret or sorrow to someone is a very fragile tightrope we walk along, because you can't exactly enquire in advance as to how they want you to respond to the news. Nobody wants to ignore it or avoid saying anything so they pick generic words, in the hope it offers some comfort in solidarity. Someone won't actually "understand" what the bereaved is going through, but they may identify with the loss if they've lost a parent. Or maybe that's to come in the future.

Things like "they're in a better place" "at least they aren't suffering anymore" or in the case of my husbands very sudden death "at least he didn't suffer" jeez thanks a bunch - are definitely to be avoided!! I cringed when someone said that to me, but then thought they didn't really know what to say so they tried their best on the spur of the moment.

Ds died 3 months ago. I put out a message on SM this week to say I didn't want well meaning messages of solace . And I haven't! People don't know what to say and can be so clumsy.w
When he died I said no religious/ spiritual platitudes and no cards. People in the main complied.
So sorry for your loss xxx

@Ihopeithinkiknow it is awful that you’ve had to go through that. You’ve hit the nail on the head.

@Screamingabdabz i think I needed to hear that really because I thank them but it’s selfishly exhausting now. I know people really do mean well.

@daisychain01 you’re saying how I feel exactly. Thank you x

@AuntieMarys that’s such a good idea.

thank you all for the support and advice x

It's perfectly fine to say "thank you" and leave it at that.

Sending you hugs and so sorry that you're having to go through this. The things people say are mainly the things people say because a lot of social interaction is formulaic. (e.g. 'how are you?' 'fine'. - it's just a greeting) People want to acknowledge your circumstances so they use the conventional language.

So, even though it's hard, just play along and say thank you. Conventional language is there for you to use too.

When my DH, 57, died in February, my sister recalled that for her husband, his parents' decline and death in recent years had generated a lot of rage which didn't have many outlets. Like you, I've had plenty of times when I was furious! Some of the comments have been outrageous. One I find especially tough to handle is, 'How ARE you?' - and then they're waiting for an answer that proves how sad I am.

I think people just don't know what to say and trot out the usual phrases. It's a terrible time, you're in shock, you're grieving, you're bound to be exhausted. Don't think too much about what other people are saying or doing, just concentrate on yourself, a 'thank you' will do as an answer to whatever anyone says. You don't have to carry on contact with any family who's been distant, no need to engage other than let them know. Is there anyone who can help you, contact them for you? Sincere sympathies OP, look after yourself.

It’s really hard losing someone so close to Christmas. ( my mum died young when I was a kid just before Christmas)
People don’t do grief well in U.K..
A really good book that was recommended to us after Dad died was
“ You’ll get over it “” ( title deliberate!) bu Virginia Ironside- She wrote it after the complicated grief she had when her elderly Father died.

It’s not an easy time .

Go easy on yourself

@Wallawallakoala The title of the book was because people used to tell Virginia that , because her father had been old and Ill for a long time.

It was a phrase trotted out when the elderly died.

”I’m sorry” is the modern stock phrase.

It’s tough and no sugar coating of grief. 🌸

It’s really comforting to know people understand and there’s a lot of good advice. I’ll do my best to be gracious and I’ll certainly read the book it sounds just what I need.

One thing I wasn’t expecting to feel when my mum died was rage. Not at anyone, but the world in general. Although I had to run from a bunch of happy clappy God is love types in the local town square, because if one of them had talked to me I’d have yelled at them.

You feel how you feel & it might not be rational - you might even realise that at the time - but it’s all valid & you’re allowed to feel it. And also to tell people what you do & don’t need.

People mean well and my observations over the years suggest that this is an extraordinarily sensitive time and it’s easy to say something that the bereaved object to. OP, could you just say “thank you”?

@EmpressaurusKitty absoultey the same. The anger is not something I was expecting! I’m so glad you said that it sort of makes it ok that I feel that way for now and it will pass.

@HoppityBun that’s all I’ve been saying is thank you I’ve not lowered myself to my anger, just struggling with it all I think.

I’m so glad that helped.

I found there were just a few close friends I was really able to talk about it with & to say what I wanted from them - things I couldn’t say to my siblings since we were all mourning & supporting Dad.

Don’t put any demands or expectations on me right now.

Don’t try to make it better.

Just let me cry & rage & hold me when I need you to.

That really helped.

I lost my dad last October and I had loads of people message me and all I could bear to do was 'heart' the message.
Like others on here I was just so angry- he was poorly for so long and so many people didn't bother to see him but sent, now I can look back, some beautiful messages.
I've not lost anyone important in my life by not replying; I think most people 'get it' that you are feeling sad and hollow.
X

Really good perspectives actually, and I think my couple of close friends really do get it so that’s good.

I totally understand what you’re saying and, as a couple of others have said, get that rage feeling you experience when wanting to rail against the whole bloody world.

I’ve, mostly, tried to reflect that it’s really not possible for people to know how bloody awful it is until it happens to them - I know I’ve sympathised in the past, but now I realise you can’t fully empathise until you experience such a loss.

For me, I know that I’ll definitely try to find better ways to communicate with anyone who’s going through bereavement. I hate “at least they’re not suffering” and “they’re in a better place now”. I still want to yell “well of course I’d not want them to suffer and, I’m sorry, but that better place would be if they were still here with me”.

What I have found, over the past months, is that some people in your life will surprise and uplift you in very “small” ways. No big gestures, but things that sow you thoughtfulness and consideration. Try to hold on to those - lots of people get it “wrong” without malice, but there will also be those that balance it out by being there in the most unexpected way.

Not much comfort now for how you are feeling, but I’m now realising that, though I may have got it wrong in the past, I hope I now fully realise how to be there for others in the future. Just as those who haven’t responded greatly now, because they haven’t experienced the situation, will then understand further down the line. And they will then follow the same process.

Bereavement and grief is a such a huge pile of crap, and so often feels very lonely and isolating. But you will hopefully see slivers of kindness keep slipping through. And keep being kind to yourself and reaching out for support. This bereavement board is incredibly kind, so please don’t worry if you need to let your feelings out. I’ve found it helpful to read even though I don’t post much.

Yes to all of this.