Struggling with others reaction to DF death

[Grievingxmas]

Dfather died unexpectedly at a young age last week. We're in Ireland so we have had the funeral already. For my own mental health I have returned to work (depression usually comes back if I stay off work for a while).
But I am struggling with my DMs reaction. She won't go back to the house they lived in (he did not die there). She won't travel on the roads near the house. She wants to sell the house without ever returning. She has already made plans to sell his car, cancelled his little bills like netflix, car insurance. She usually doesn't handle any bills etc so this is out of character.
It just feels so fast, its like we are all grieving and she has moved on already and is trying to erase everything. He built the house himself so when I go there I feel so proud of everything he achieved.
I know everybody grieves differently but please give me some words of advice so that I can stay calm, I don't want to fall out with her.

I'm sorry that you lost your father so unexpectedly. A terrible shock, so hard to process, and I can see that the rapid funeral has the capacity to make things harder and more disorientating.
It doesn't really sound like your mum has moved on in the way that you fear. It sounds like she is in the grips of initial shock. Going into organisation mode can be a kind of denial, a grasping at control in a situation that is uncontrollable. I guess that is part of the value of a slower funeral that takes longer to arrange. A vent for that need for displacement activity.
It is such early days. Nothing will come right now. No one will understand themselves or one another.
When my son died, in the most traumatic circumstances imaginable, we somehow ended up going out for a pizza the next day and talking about normal things as if it was just a normal day. I still can't believe that we did that. It was so strange. But you just have to surf the confusion and trust that time will allow you to begin to process the unprocessable.

It's her way of dealing with her grief

It took me a year to be able to drive past the family home (we sold it for finance after Dad died)

I went back to the family home last week (we know the people who bought it) to look around and after I left I was a mess. Crying and feeling awfully sad. That's 2 years after Dad died

I shall never go there again

Please be gentle with your Mum

Grief isn't linear and its intensely personal

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Cancelling things like Netflix is just a way of taking control of the tiny things that you can manage as opposed to facing up to the massive event and its aftermath that you can’t control. So I wouldn’t worry that things some sign of your Mum doing anything wrong or moving too fast.

she may decide she can go back to the house. No big decisions should be taken this early. Encourage her to take her time with those things and allow her to focus on the small bits of admin she can handle now.

Such good advice here OP. I'm so sorry that you've lost your dad.
As others have said, your mum is trying to get some kind of grip when everything around her feels out of control, by focusing on practical stuff. She might change her mind about selling the house or being able to be in the vicinity, but even if she does decide to sell, these things take time.
Hopefully you will all be able to come to terms with your feelings about the house as time goes by.
Whatever happens, your dad will always be in your heart

Thanks everyone. That makes sense that she is trying to regain some control by doing these things. That is exactly what shes doing. I knew someone here would help me to understand, thank you.

Sorry for your loss. As others have said it is a common reaction to grief. I think it's also a little way to reassure herself she can do the necessary life admin, for his sake.

It might also be possible that your mum cannot bear the pain of trying to continue the same life she lived, but without your dad in it. Everything will remind her of him - putting the TV on and seeing his Netflix account, seeing his car in the drive, returning home without him to the house he built. So, her actions may be less about moving on, and more about not being able to cope with the void and pain of the daily reminders that he is no longer with her. Please be kind to yourself and your mum. Sending you love. ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Could you approach her GP and see if she can get some grief counselling?

https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/services-support/bereavement/#:~:text=Counselling%20services,-Talk%20to%20your&text=You%20can%20find%20qualified%20counsellors,Psychological%20Society%20of%20Ireland%20(PSI)

https://hospicefoundation.ie/i-need-help/i-am-bereaved/

Not wanting to return to the house or even be on the roads near the house is not usual and she should be supported. She clearly needs support and will probably lean on you and your family to get through the coming days and weeks.

Does she have a friend network that can help out? Neighbours that she gets along with? She is clearly making rash decisions (such as selling the house without returning to it) based entirely on irrational emotions.

Sending you lots of support as this cannot be easy for anyone right now.

Thanks, she has a counsellor that she sees fortnightly. She is being supported by me and my siblings, were trying to encourage her gently to do things without pushing her. She is staying at my DBs house for the foreseeable future. She has friends and neighbours but as they all live near the house (friends within a couple of miles) she doesn't want to see them. It's difficult for them to visit her when she is at DBs and he has a newborn.
We're trying to support her as best we can so I'm grateful this thread is helping me understand her pov. Me and my DC saw DF nearly every single day so it's a very big loss for us all.

Me and my DC saw DF nearly every single day so it's a very big loss for us all.

Yes, this sounds very important. Don't lose sight of your own grief and your own needs, alongside the need to support your mum. If and when you do have angry/uncomprehending thoughts and feelings about her responses to the loss of your father, that is fine. Be as kind and accepting of your own turmoil as you are kind and accepting of hers. xxx

It's grief. You've lost your DF which is horrific - but she has also lost her husband and all the years ahead she thought they had. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must all be in. It sounds like she just can't bear anything that is reminding her of her loss at the moment and she is struggling.

My friend was exactly like this when losing a parent. She went into organisational mode and even carried on working. It was just her way. Everyone handles grief differently.

I'd echo what others have said.

Everyone deals with grief differently. It is good advice to NEVER police someone elses grief in the sense of telling them what they should be doing or shouldn't be doing.

Secondly, she is in shock. Remind her she is in shock - as you will be too. Its a way of coping with trauma. The full horror of it won't have kicked in yet - that is the point of shock, it allows you to deal with the next hour/day/week in a state of numbness.

thirdly, it is well known that you should not take any big decisions like selling a house, moving away, and so on, within a year of a significant bereavement or more likely 18 months. So (without telling her what to do or not do) encourage her to delay selling the house at least and the car. The time may come when it gives her comfort. Of course it may not do and this may still be how she feels in a year but better to delay than regret.

Another point to bear in mind (not now as its so early and still in a shock stage) is that total avoidance forever is not sustainable and will lead to emotional problems and probably unresolved grief. Selling the house and avoiding the area forever may cause her more long term problems than taking her time with it.

Grief counselling in due course will be a good idea but she is waay to early for that. You need to be in a state to talk about it for grief counselling to work. It's normally not recommended for about 3 months after a death - for some people it can be longer though 6 months even depends on how long it takes for that first rawness to settle a bit.

Hi OP I’m so very sorry. I’m in a similar situation I lost my mum quite young last month. My dad has found comfort in being in the house with her things but I can’t stand it. If I never saw that house again I’d be happier for it. I hate being there it is just too painful. I loved my mum more than words can say she was so much to me, everywhere I look reminds me of stuff we did together. Maybe your mum feels that way. Incidentally, I’ve taken on my mums very young dog, they were inseparable. Although he’s a massive pain in the arse lol he doesn’t make me feel sad I’ve separated them in my mind he’s just himself. But my dad goes into floods of tears if he sees the dog. He loves him but it’s too painful for him.

If I never saw that house again I’d be happier for it. I hate being there it is just too painful.

@LittleMG you are still in the early stages of raw grief. you will need to allow that pain to come to learn to live with it.

You may find as the rawness wears off (for me it took nearly 2 years) that then you can find pleasure again in the love and memories of your mother - including in the house.

Same for your father, in time he may change his feelings towards the dog.

None of these things are like flicking on a light switch. It's not an on/off ok now I can deal with the dog or the house moment. It's more like being the the darkness for months, years even and then the dimmer switch slowly slowly slowly starts to turn up the lights so that you can't even say 'one day I couldn't go to the house' but 'on this day I could'. It is just a slow burn.

@usere083042 Thanks for your thoughts. It is raw and I am devastated. I feel so stupid I never that grief is a massive part of life. At 40 years old I’d never known grief (lucky huh) I never understood what people meant when they said Christmas can be a hard time for some. I had No. Idea. Your comment about it taking years to slowly come back to being is particularly pertinent, I feel like stupid as it is I just want to opt out, no thanks, I don’t fancy that. But there is absolutely nothing I can do I HAVE to do this even though I want non of it. Thank you for reminding me there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. Comments from people who have been there really help.

Sorry for you loss Littlemg. We are the same, dad is everywhere. I bought his (small) Christmas present yesterday even though he won't be here. Its a grandad mug that was going to be kept here anyway, so we will keep it in our cupboard.

@LittleMG and @Grievingxmas

Your comment about it taking years to slowly come back to being is particularly pertinent, I feel like stupid as it is I just want to opt out, no thanks, I don’t fancy that. But there is absolutely nothing I can do I HAVE to do this even though I want non of it. Thank you for reminding me there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. Comments from people who have been there really help.

This is one of the problems. You are right when you say you want to opt out. I remember feeling so acutely everyone saying it will ease with time and wishing I could speed up time.But you can't you have to live through it unfortunately. It is necessary though because it is what you need to do to survive.

Think of it like walking in shoes that rub horribly or with a pebble in that you can't bend to get out. The skin rubs raw but over time it will dry out and harden into a callus so you can walk in those shoes with comfort. The callus is still there but you can walk without agony. It's probably not the best analogy and callus sounds so hard but you get the point.

I did want to say don't panic about how long it is taking though. I don't want to scare you because it does get more 'cope-able' with. I remember so clearly after a year (which I'd heard spoken about as a significant turning point for feeling better) feeling just as wracked with grief, in just as much misery and so sad and thinking I was different and I would never feel better. Same at about 1.5 years. Like I said it was about 2 years for me. So don't worry. I think it's good to keep remembering its about love.

You have probably seen that post about Grief coming in waves which is very true and comforting. I'll post it below now for you both and anyone else on this thread that hasn't seen it

The original source of this was a Reddit post but it copied and repeated on many grief sites as it is beautiful and very true.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/

Well known advice post on grief being like waves:

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Thanks @usere083042 it helped to read this. Today I really really want to opt out. Dm trying to get control of finances and some comments she made about DF finances are too much today.