Christmas. Not feeling it. What to do?

[BellissimoGecko]

My mum died last month.

I just can't be arsed with Christmas and an so fucking sad.

Nobody else seems to feel the same - they're just getting on with things. Dc are older teens. Do I just fake it till I make it?

I feel so so down. Mum loved Christmas and loved hosting and cooking for us all. It will be so different without her.

I feel like I'm expected to be back to normal already.

Sending you a big hug, of course you shouldn’t be expected to be back to normal.
It’s ok to go for a low key Christmas, what tradition did your mum like about Christmas? You could look to do that in her memory.
I lost my mum coming up 2 years in January, that first Christmas it was quite low key and I didn’t bother with some of my usual activities.
One thing I did do was buy a bauble in her memory.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Of course you’re struggling. The grief is so fresh. I lost my dm one autumn and the first two christmases were awful, the first time I just couldn’t face it and my wonderful MIL stepped up and rescued the whole thing so the kids got a proper Christmas Day - I headed home alone on Boxing Day and dh and kids stayed with PiL. I got through the 25th by just not thinking about it at all and I just wasted the 26th sobbing, to be honest.

The following Christmas I went bonkers trying to recreate the Christmases of my youth … it fell flat.

Since then I just accept Christmas will never be as good again. Turns out without my dm it’s not the same.

I did keep all my mum’s special Christmas decorations and supplies so every year I have a proper cry unpacking it all and remembering. There’s something about touching those things that she touched every year, some from her own childhood, that I find almost unbearably sad but I have to do it, I have to go through everything and mourn again.

Gah.

This year Christmas is low key and I’m going to go to Church and pray for her. It’s not something I usually do, but I think I’ll be closer to her there than anywhere.

I say do it but just scale it back. Maybe just you and your kids without all the faff and expectations. Next year might be easier. I also find Christmas hard so could do with taking some of my own advice! I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent can absolutely shell shock you. Go easy on yourself but also remember that they probably would have hated to see you like this. Xx

When I lost my dad, ds 1 was so young, and I had to fake it, but it was so hard. Go with the flow and do whatever you need to do to make sure it's comfortable for you. No one expects you to be dancing and singing. It gets easier as the years go by, but I still get upset over Xmas - even now. I just do it layer on, usually at the end of the day when no one is around. Hope you're okay and getting the support you need.

Sorry for your loss . I don’t think anyone expects or thinks things will be normal but people do react differently when someone dies . Grief is a very personal thing .

Thank you so much.

@TwixForTea, having your mum's Christmas decorations sounds lovely.

Dad is coping very well- he's decorated the house, and has bought new decorations, not Mum's ones. Might be his way of coping, but I find that odd too.

We will be seeing my dad and my sister and her family for Christmas.

My Mum died in April this year. Christmas day is her birthday so it will be doubly hard. We are just acknowledging that it will be hard, knowing that we will all be thinking of her all day and expecting there will also be bright parts to the day too.

My Dad died at the beginning of 2024. While I've made progress with my grief, this month has been mentally very challenging, I've had a lot of memories come back and they remind me he's not here :( you're just a month in so it must be so, so difficult. At that stage I found just exising exhausting.
Please be really kind to yourself. I don't think you should fake it until you make it. You mention the kids are older so perhaps have a frank conversation with them , that you are sad now and it is difficult to be festive. Perhaps you can do some small special things with them to remember your mum on the day.
It is a hard time of year without our special ones.

I hope you will be able to tell your family how you feel. Perhaps they would very readily understand that Christmas can't really happen for you this year but are just a bit wary of bringing up the subject .They may have the wrong idea that it would make things harder for you. They may think that 'keeping things normal over Christmas' is a way of protecting you from grief.

Even if they don't have that level of understanding I'm sure that they would very gladly adapt to a different version of Christmas this year, one that placed less of a burden on you to fake an enjoyment that you can't feel.

A small Christmas with mutual tenderness. In future years you may look back on it and find the beginnings of some new and different Christmas traditions. But all that matters right now is being kind to yourself, not asking unreasonable things of yourself. xxx

Big hugs! Take your time over it.

If you're not feeling it this year, your family should be able to understand. It's hard when you have teens since they are coming from a different angle. It's our first Christmas without DH. I don't know what my girls will think.

We're cooking Christmas dinner for his parents and brother. That will be a busy slog. On Bx Day we're going to DH' s parents...

I’m so sorry. I lost my mum on Christmas Eve a few years ago. I remember that Christmas Day still, it was normal for our dc who were very little then. I found it hard for years after that but always made it lovely for the dc as that is what my mum and dad would have wanted. You do just have to fake it til you make it. I went through the motions but I have lots of lovely memories of Christmas when our dc were little, despite the fact that it was a hard time of year for me. I always light a candle on Christmas Eve for my mum.

I’m very sorry. First of all I would accept your feelings for what they are and not feel bad for not feeling any certain way. Be as honest as you can to your nearest and dearest in an age appropriate way.

I would enjoy the parts of the festive season you can and accept the fact that you will be missing your mum and it won’t be your favourite Xmas. All the best for the NY and I hope the healing comes in good time.

Please could I join in on this thread?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I was planning to have a special last Christmas with my mum this year. Now she is in hospital on end of life care and I'm spending it alone. I don't think she will still be alive and even if she were, I can't drive due to autism and visual processing issues. The hospital is an hour and a half away. My support workers don't work on those days.
I have taken down my Christmas tree, and will just work on getting through the day.

I’m in the same boat.
Our 21 year old daughter passed away 6 weeks ago.
DH works away during the week, so we are doing Christmas this Saturday for him ( and us)
On Christmas Day, my daughter 23 and I will treat it as a normal day- take the dogs to the beach, hang out together at home.

@LoudPlumDog I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

Thank you so much x

Do the hospital have accomodation where you could stay to spend some time with your mum? I am so sorry for what you are going through.

@LoudPlumDog I am very sorry for your loss also :(

Thank you so much.
No, they don't even have accommodation for most of the patients sadly. They have no one answering rhe phones in a and e and for 24 hours no one contacted me and I didn't know if she was alive or dead. After 3 days she finally is on a ward where I can speak ro someone.
I spent three hours there with her today. It may be the last time. It is killing me, utterly killing me.