Dad died and I can’t cope with grief, work and parenting

[merrygoround84]

First time posting. Going through a really tough time and don’t know how to cope. Sorry for the long ramble.

My Dad died 3 months ago. He’d had Parkinson’s disease for a long time and he’d been declining rapidly this year, but he went out on his mobility scooter one day and long story short, he fell in some water and drowned as he had no strength to stand/swim. It still feels utterly surreal, but I remember the events of that day - getting the call, getting to A&E, the police officer’s face and words, it’s still so raw. I can’t shake idea of him face down in the water, it’s all I see before I go to sleep, it’s horrific.

I had two weeks off work after the accident and helped my Mum organise the funeral and take care of other admin. Since then it’s been business as usual in every sense.

I work 31.5hrs a week and have two primary aged DC and I just feel overwhelmed. I want to press pause and crawl into a hole but I can’t. I have no annual leave left as it’s all used on childcare. DH was supportive in the week or two after the accident with doing extra school runs and looking after the kids on the weekend so I could be with Mum, but our relationship has been under strain since Covid and emotionally he’s not really there for me. I cry myself to sleep and he offers no comfort, which I’m struggling with but at the same time sort of understand as we’re just not a ‘unit’ anymore, we’ve drifted so far apart.

My kids are challenging at the moment, they never stop bickering and fighting, the back chat is insane and they’re very demanding (all typical of kids their ages I’m sure). The stress of their behaviour puts extra strain on my marriage as we never seem to be on the same page with parenting either. Every day is chaos and tantrums, it’s exhausting.

With work, kids, DH and now this overwhelming grief on top, I literally don’t know how to keep going. It sounds dramatic but it’s true, I’m lying here crying just wishing for everything to stop. My mental health wasn’t great before any of this (I struggle with chronic overthinking and anxiety) but now I just want to run away. I’m going to book counselling in the new year, but just wondered how other parents cope with grief and carrying on with normal adulting/parenting duties?

Not my parent, but my Aunt with dementia who I was POA for died after a traumatic year trying to get her support from social care and the GP. I was trying to do it all too, work, kids with additional needs, my elderly Dad (her brother) also becoming very frail and falling, being an executor for my Aunt's estate. It was too much, I took a month off work and had counselling via my employer during that time. It helped massively. Work was the only ball I could drop temporarily so it had to be done to help my mental health. Can you get any counselling through your employer?

I'm so sorry for your loss 😞 I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through.

Do you get paid sick leave with work? Would it be possible for you to get a Dr to sign you off so at least work is one less thing you have to worry about.. Perhaps a month or two just for you to be able to focus on getting through each day xx

First of all take time off work. You can't do everything and be everything to everyone. You've been through a trauma and a loss and need time to both process that & grieve.

Phone work & go sick and speak to your doctor about being signed off. If you feel counseling will help get the ball rolling with that

Work is the easiest thing to step back from for a bit. Do it before you reach breaking point

I didn't & many years later am still struggling with my mh

@Choconuttolata @TheGoddessFreyja @Redglitter

Thank you so much for your replies.

I think you’re all right with regards to work. In some ways I’ve been forcing myself to keep going with it because it’s a distraction. Ultimately it’s just adding more stress though, both with having to hit deadlines and having to manage everything at home around my hours. There’s no respite from anything.

Yes, we have access to 6 sessions of counselling through work. I thought I’d wait until after my Dad’s inquest hearing at the end of Jan to start the counselling, but maybe I should start sooner. I’ve never had counselling before and not sure what to expect. I’m a bit nervous about it if I’m honest but will definitely try it to see if it helps. Will contact the Dr too and explain everything. I know I can’t carry on as I am.

Get signed off work if you get sick pay , for as long as you need

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad died very suddenly just over a year ago and I was very much simply existing in grief for at least 6 months. I used to burst into tears at the slightest thing and couldn't stop thinking about the night he died. It was trauma. I was also dealing with his estate, looking after my mum and keeping everything going with my own young DC and work. My DH was helpful on a practical level but zero emotional support. I had counselling for anxiety and depreasion from around 6-9 months after he died. I wish I'd done it earlier as I'd kept going for so long that I couldn't see how bad it had become.

I still miss my dad so much but the grief isn't overwhelming me anymore and its more deep sadness than crushing despair. I can enjoy life again now. Its really hard, there is no fixed path with grief its more like being thrown in the sea and a big wave can crash and catch you. After a while though you learn to swim with the waves. I would definitely recommend counselling

Definitely take the time you need off work, you need to prioritise your own wellbeing so you are able to function and be there for your kids, they will be picking up on your sadness and stress too.

I found when I did that that DH also became more understanding, he was so used to me being a 'coper' that he didn't get that I was struggling at all at first. If your DH is not being supportive then protect your heart the best you can and try to 'shelve' that expectation from him for now by seeking support elsewhere. You can deal with what that might mean for your relationship when you are feeling stronger and have more support.

It takes time to get over the traumatic death of a parent, DH had PTSD after his Mum died quite young and suddenly (he was there when she passed). You need to give yourself space to grieve and process everything.

I've just got a sick note because I wasn't coping in any area of my life and it's making a big difference because I can just take each day as it comes instead of feeling under pressure. Is that a possibility?