Struggling coming up to Christmas

[DoNotBringLulu]

My parents were elderly when we lost them, my Dad age 90 July 2021 and my Mum age 93 December 2023. I was thankful for their long lives and both times their suffering was ended due to horrible illnesses.

I find myself crying so much at the moment really feeling the loss. I have to pull myself together and be festive as my dd is coming home from uni, I just don't feel like it.

Is anybody else especially struggling at the moment? I am told firsts are always hard. This is the first Christmas without Mum :(

I am sorry for you loss. I understand this so much. I lost my baby son and I sat on New Years Eve desperately not wanting the New Year to come because I didn't want to enter a new year without him. And that now I couldn't say 'I lost my son this year' and it would now be 'last year'. It was an overwhelming and strange feeling. I feel for you. x

@NoPrivateSpy
I don't mean to come across as unaware the tragic nature of losing someone so young, you are right it is a lot worse. I am sorry for your the loss of your Mum and brother. Words aren't enough.

@Boxfreshrussell thank you for your kind words.

I am usually OK as I am very grateful for my parents' long lives. I have just taken on some volunteering with older people as they had family as a comfort.

Thinking of everyone on this thread who have suffered tragic losses

sending hugs to everyone who has lost someone especially recently, foday marks 3 months since I lost my partner to an infection from cancer, he was only 38 everyone else is just carrying on as normal and I am trying to for the sake of my kids and my own MH but it's bloody hard, cry every single day when I 'talk' to him

It’s not inappropriate OP. It’s your first Christmas without your Mum so it’s understandable you’re going to be feeling it hard and you were just asking for advice from those that have been through it.

It's ok op, I'm glad the thread stays because those of us replying on it like me feel some kind of alliance which is a comfort in these times.
My mum died last year.

I'm so sorry to all those who are grieving.

Much love xxx

Facing our first Christmas without DH, who died several months ago aged 50. I’d rather forget the whole thing, but can’t because of DC (late teens/young adult). I’m dreading all the cheerful ‘have a nice Christmas’ from colleagues as we leave on Christmas Eve, almost as much as Christmas Day. It’s getting harder as it gets closer and I’m sobbing pretty much every day.

I’m sorry for everyone suffering the same, it’s a difficult time of year. I saw this the other day and, in less upsetting moments, it has brought me some relief? Peace? Comfort? I can’t quite put my finger on the right word.

It's just shit isn't it.

Oh my gosh, not at all! I absolutely didn't mean to diminish what you are feeling but I do try and focus on more of the positives now we are losing some of our older relatives.

Living to a good age, hopefully suffering kept to a minimum and a fulfilled life is really all you can hope for. If you achieve those and you were loved by those you leave behind, that feels like a life well lived to me.

@SoSadForPoorDH thank you for posting that beautiful poem. I am so sorry for your loss.

@peachystormy that's so difficult...please look after yourself best you can I hope you find moments of peace here and there.

My heart goes out to all of you, us, who are grieving. Losing a loved one, in whatever circumstances, and whatever age, is a journey without a map. Thank you for the poems - they may make us weep but they let us know we are not alone.

My beloved husband died last year. I just wanted to write that down, while I still can.

I lost my teen DS to cancer in April. He was just 13 years old. I'm dreading Christmas, this time last year we could not have predicted that he wouldn't be here.

Sending love to all bereaved

Just awful. Mine was 25 and it hurts like hell. I'm glad he packed so much in his 25 years but 13 is no age.
I'm having a very emotional evening as I have so many questions xx

Can I join and sympathise with those who are also grieving? My DB died 2 weeks ago, early 40s. Not unexpected but shockingly sudden at the end. And today my DMum (late 70s) has broken her arm which really seems too much at this moment. It's not looking like a joyful Christmas.

My lovely Mum passed away in January. This will be our first Christmas without her, although saying that last Christmas she was in hospital and not her usual self so the day wasn't the same. But she was still here if that makes sense. She was only 66. I so desperately wish she was here now, I miss her so much. Christmas feels very overwhelming and I would happily not bother, but have to do it for my DS.

I am so sorry there are so many of us on here going through this. Grief is not easy to navigate no matter the circumstances or how old your loved one was.

My heart hurts for all of us, so much missing!

I saw this today and it hit hard.

I am so incredibly sorry, Downtoyou. No words really other than be kind to yourself. Just putting one foot in front of the other must be feel monumental at the moment, let alone Christmas.

I'm sending love to all those grieving a loved one. Christmas and the build up to it is especially hard on those grieving, especially a recent loss.

I'm 10 years into this journey having lost my 18 year old son to cancer 10 years ago, then my Mum the following year, and my Dad 2 years ago now.

The first Christmas I flew away on Christmas Day with my other son. Ignored Christmas as much as we could, didn't speak to anyone else or anyone I knew.

As time has gone on I try to find a little joy about it. I usually have a cry when I put decorations up (took me a few years to be able to do that and now they are very much pared down), but can look at them at least. I always have a cry Christmas morning and always raise a glass and say my son's name at the table even if it makes others feel uncomfortable.

I have not sent a Christmas card in 10 years but this year I started watercolour painting and I have made my own cards. I have enjoyed the cathartic moments painting is giving me and a tiny bit of Christmas joy has crept in doing those cards. It's taken 10 years though.

My mum and dad were 71 and 79 respectively when they each died. So not too old but certainly lived a full life. But gosh I miss them too. I miss belonging if that makes sense.

Every fucking advert on tv and radio is all about family Christmas get togethers, fun, noisy times. For years I had to only watch tv on record so I could fast forward through all the ads. A couple of years when my son went to his Dads on the day I did an anti Christmas- didn't acknowledge it at all, didn't see any family or friends, just hunkered down.

It's still hard even 10 years on but the sharp edges of grief are a little smoother. I take myself off for some moments of quiet if needed, will shed a tear or two. But I am able to enjoy lots of parts of Christmas now. It will never be the same, I feel this horrendous pressure in the build up and I'm always glad when it's over, but try and find joy and gratitude for the lovely things and people in my life.

To each and everyone - be gentle on yourself. Christmas (and quite frankly any family gathering throughout the year) is especially hard. Do what you can, and for each person that will be different. Remember your loved ones in any way which feels best for you.

The run up to Christmas is very hard as you say @minmooch you are right to raise a glass

I am glad the thread just gives us a chance to just say how we are feeling. At least somewhere we can just talk ❤️

Just thinking of everyone

So sorry to everyone for their losses. I lost my father unexpectedly at the age of 60 this week. My DC were really close to him but younger DC is only 5 so is talking about Christmas and santa all the time. He was meant to be coming to our house for Christmas this year. Because of DC we're going to have to push through with Christmas as best we can.

Oh my I'm so so sorry XXX

Love to all those grieving. I've had a weep for mum today.
Bloody Christmas.

Xxx

Struggling here too. I lost my lovely Dad in summer, I’m still in my twenties and it just feels so unfair seeing all my friends/husband with their healthy alive parents. Why did it happen to us. I wish I could just crawl in to a hole.

@Ellafent I welled up just now when I read your post. I am so sorry for your loss 💐

I'm so, so, sorry.