Mum died abroad

[Peaceandquiet1]

My parents emigrated thousands of miles away from us when my children were very young. Didn’t seem to bother them too much that they wouldn’t be around their grandkids. They encouraged us to visit every year which we did at great expense and debt. But it was important to us to keep family ties strong. After 7 years of us visiting it was too financially draining as children were older (costs) so we stopped. They reciprocated the visits only once in 19 years. My mum recently died, she didn’t want a funeral. It’s hard to process her death - part of me feels guilt for not continuing to visit despite it being financially difficult. Part of me is angry that they didn’t make more of an effort and the fact they moved away in the first place. Very mixed emotions. Any advice on how to reconcile things in my mind.

I didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry for your loss 💐 I'd strongly recommend bereavement counselling. Cruse.org.uk 08088081677 are an amazing bereavement charity. Give yourself time x

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hopefully someone else will have good advice but just to say you are allowed to feel all your feelings. When my grandmother died (my dad is from another continent) I struggled with it not feeling real as she was so far away it was easy to trick my mind into thinking she was still around. She also didn't have a funeral. So perhaps a little local ceremony will provide some closure if that feels right to you?

Grief and bereavement are very personal, you’ll have all sorts of emotions taking over at this time. Give yourself rest, time and kindness. Your parents made their own choices as adults do, and they lived their lives according to their own wishes. No one would think you did anything wrong, because you just lived your lives and cared for your kids. It was a situation of their choosing and you accepted that, that is all you ask from anyone.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the pain you must have felt over the years about their distance.

I think it's normal to have mixed emotions over the death of someone whose relationship with you was complicated. And I think you don't need to reconcile those feelings but rather maybe accept that they are all true and valid, you are allowed to feel them all. Love and hurt and grief and anger can all sit together. I also agree that bereavement counselling may help you sort through and explore how those feelings are sitting.

I, too, am very sorry for your loss. I think your already complicated grief and mourning is even more complicated by the way your parents choices were always made without regard to you—and even in death your mother’s wishes as to the lack of funeral seem to strand you even farther away from the relationship you wanted. No last words from her to you, no last words from you to or about her. It feels terribly cruel.

You can’t reconcile it all because it’s not reconcilable. I have a similar though less extreme experience. It was their choice and it remains your very genuine loss. Hard though it may be to accept, that’s what your mother wanted and chose. Everything flows from that and you have no information that suggests she regretted her choice.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum and that she wasn't the mum you needed.

It is difficult to reconcile mixed feelings, particularly if you are carrying resentment because you feel you they let you down.

It might help to arrange a get together of people here who remember her ? You siblings, her siblings, old friends, your cousins maybe ? Or just your family. If can be a 'thanksgiving service' or it could be a meal out or some other get together at which you raise a toast to her. An opportunity for people to share memories if they want to.

I do think that most of us need some sort of coming together with other people, for closure, which doesn't have to be a religious service at all.

thanks for lovely comments - very helpful. Doesn’t help that my parents took my grandmother with them when they moved away. Who also didn’t have a funeral when she died a few years ago. Been very hard.

I'm sorry for your loss, and also sorry for your hurt and anger. Fwiw, you appear to have done your best - all the visits bar one. If part of your grief is feeling guilty, then I think that is misplaced.

It's very hard. My parents moved abroad (a 12 hour flight away) and then my mum got cancer and she died without me being able to get there in time.

I hate flying so it was always v hard to visit and ruinously expensive once the kids were older. I felt terribly guilty about it all. My mum never wanted to move - my dad did so I think that made it worse as she moved then couldn't travel.

I went to see a therapist about it all and I'm glad I did. I got out a lot of the feelings I felt bad about and he helped me re frame them so if it's something you would consider, I did find it helpful.