Physical and mental effects of grief

[PandaPop1234]

Hi,

I lost my dad three weeks ago, he'd been poorly for a long time but the last four days were horrendous watching him go. For the first week after I was just numb but now the physical and mental effects are really bad. Headaches, upset tummy, tummy pain, not wanting to eat as well as crippling anxiety attacks with chest pain. I have ibs anyway but there's so much more to it going on.
I'm trying yoga and breathing exercises while I wait for a counselling appointment but it's just something hard

Any advice gratefully received on how to navigate this

When I suffered a loss I tried to keep busy and just let myself go through the process. There still are waves of grief but it does get better over time.
i know that’s not much help but sending best wishes you get through it.

I'm sorry for your loss. You were with your dad at the hardest of time ‐that is very special, but also a tough road to travel.
A series of counselling sessions sound a very good idea. It is so powerful to speak to someone who will hold you in unconditional positive regard and hear you as you voice your experience.

Might time outdoors help; connecting with nature can often help us feel grounded and connected to 'a bigger story', and the ebb and flow of life. Maybe just a short walk or a stint of gardening, through a lens of gratitude for the life you have shared?

Creative immersion can soothe our grief too ‐whether it is crafting, gardening, cooking, playing music or making your home beautiful.

I hope you find a way to integrate this experience which honours your relationship with your dad.

Walking helps me. Not sitting with anxiety but trying to move and keep active.

So so sorry for your loss.

Please remember that your loss is so very recent. Counseling will be useful but maybe not right away, as the pain you feel now is normal and even healthy - you have just lost your dad and no amount of talking will make that better. But give it some months when the rawness has eased off and yes, then it will be useful.
just be kind to yourself

My adult ds died 10 weeks ago today and I am best when I'm physically active...gym, long walks and spin. We moved house last week which was stressful and my body is crying out for some routine from tomorrow when I get back to the gym.
Self care is so important...I'm having weekly massages, good food, facials....saying no to well meaning people and declining invites I really don't want to accept.
The grief is overwhelming, usually at 3am. That awful physical ache when I realise he doesn't exist.

I had no idea how physical grief could be, but it is! Counselling was amazing, but they wouldn't do it so soon after your loss. I have no real idea what you can do except try to take each moment at a time, do what you want to do, not what others think you should do. And you need to give yourself a break and just look after yourself.
Probably not that useful advice but wanted you to know that I hear what your saying. It's just the most awful of times.

@PandaPop1234 @AuntieMarys
I'm so sorry for your losses

I am sorry for your losses.
When my DH died I was punch drunk from dealing with his care for so long and watching him die at the end. Simply reeling.

Bizarrely I felt comforted by the knowledge that this is an everyday thing, part of life's pattern ... a cruel and painful part, but just the cycle of nature. I knew that others had been here before me and others would be in the same place during all of time to come. Why that helped I do not know. Maybe it was a sense of perspective. Who knows?

I am lucky to live in a beautiful place and found great comfort in going out for walks. The repetitive motion, the lovely views, the greetings from others out and about .... all helped to keep me a bit more in control.

And .... cliche though it is ... time does help and a new pattern of life emerges, albeit with moments of sudden despair.

The shock of watching a loved one drift out of life does not go away, but a new life does appear in time. Take care.

Give in to it. Allow yourself to cry and be sad. It’s an entirely natural reaction. Over time you will feel less consumed by it but there is no timetable here. You are very early on in the journey of losing your much loved Dad.
sending you big hugs

I'm so sorry for your loss op. You have been through dreadful shock and stress, even though the end may have been expected, your body is still processing it all and struggling to come to terms with a new reality 💐

I agree that exercise is good but I think right now, if you are feeling physically unwell, and emotionally raw, then you need to treat yourself like you would an invalid, like someone who has been through a major operation.

So go to the doctor and get signed off work for a few days if you can. Buy ingredients to make yourself some light healthy food such as good home made chicken broth with vegetables, and buy oily fish, sweet potatoes, etc. Have lots of baths with essential oils. Try and sleep really well with the help of a good relaxation app, Try and meditate a few times a day. Or do something creative and meditative like embroidery, or stripping a fireplace, or a jigsaw puzzle. Talk to friends. Winter walks. Maybe even borrow a dog from a friend for a few walks if that would be a comfort to you. Really try and be selfish and focus on your own well-being.

And while waiting for your counselling sessions; Julia Samuel's podcasts Grief Works are worth listening to and her book of the same name is a helpful read. Take care.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply, it's so very much appreciated.

I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost someone too.

Yesterday I felt a bit better, went out for a few hours, just did a bit of shopping but it was nice

Today I feel twice as bad. I think because I felt a bit better yesterday when you feel bad again it's more profound if that makes sense

It's the funeral in a couple of days. I'm dreading it. The thought of him in a box is too much. Everyone says I'll find the strength to get through it from somewhere.

Thank you all again.

Ime, it’s a very odd surreal time between the death of a close family member and their funeral. All of the world is carrying on as usual.

I felt like I was outside my own body some of the time, drifting along, looking down at myself doing clothes or walking somewhere. It was really unsettling.

You did really well to be able to do a bit of shopping op 💐

I know what you mean though about having a few good moments and then grief hitting you like a brick wall all over again. It’s so hard and I really feel for you. 💐

This is such great advice! 'Treat yourself like you would an invalid' especially. I wish someone had said that to me when my son died.

For me getting out and going for walks helped. Listening to podcasts about grief like Grief Cast. Time away from others - I wanted to just hunker down on my own.
mine was also a very difficult traumatic loss, and it took months for the visions of them dying to leave me

So sorry for your loss.
My parents died many years ago and I remember sitting up in bed and sobbing and howling....I tried to keep a calm facade during the day for the sake of the children. Time made things easier, and of course a busy family at least is a distraction.

This year I lost a DB after an awful 2 months of him being in hospital. Lots of ups and downs. We genuinely hoped he would recover and come home, but he acquired infections and died. That time I found the tears wouldn't come at all. Instead I had awful physical symptoms, rushes of adrenaline mostly. I would wake at 3am with a pounding heart. It did eventually calm down. Sorry to say you may have to ride it out, I don't think there are any short cuts but treat yourself kindly, avoid overloading yourself, ask for help. Talking to someone you love is very calming.

At the moment another DB is terminally ill and I've had all the same symptoms. Awful nightmares, waking with pounding heart at 3am. I know what it is, I know it will pass, but it is horrible. I still haven't cried for either of them and maybe I never will. You have my sincerest sympathy, I hope things improve for you.

@TeaAndStrumpets

So sorry for your loss and what you are going through

It was the funeral on Tuesday. I felt sick from Sunday night and couldn't eat. It was a lovely service but letting him go has finished me off emotionally.

I've gone to the gp today as the chest pains were getting really bad. She sent me straight to the hospital where I've had a barrage of tests which are all clear. I've been signed off work until after Xmas and told to rest up.

I know it takes time but I just want to go to sleep and wake up next year

So sorry@PandaPop1234 I hope you will start to feel better soon.

I think waiting for the funeral in itself is another stress. The sadness of the service, having to speak to lots of people etc. It's no surprise you were in a terrible state. I think yes, rest up if you can. This not the time to push yourself.

Take care.