chapel of rest - do I go or not?

[mustangsally]

I know noone can really answer this but just wondered what people's experiences/thoughts are.

A very good friend of mine drowned last week, I loved him to bits and am heartbroken about it.

He's now in the Chapel of Rest but it's been 8days since he died. I feel I want to go and see him but my mum has said, and apologies because this is horrible, but that he will be 'going off' - that sounds so awful, she means that as time goes by he will be looking less and less like himself and by now it will be just be really upsetting to see him.

I'm totally torn between remembering him as he was and seeing him again to say goodbye.

I've only seen 1 other dead person, my nana, but she was very very old and had a peaceful death and I was with her when she died and saw her 2days later in chapel of rest so that was a totally different situation.

I am so sorry if this has upset anyone.

Surprise, I've just read your post, I'm so sorry that it was not a helpful thing for you, to see your Gran. It is such a personal thing, and everyone is different with how they react to things, and deal with the situation, its such a raw and painful time.

Like I said, i've rarely been involved with many people who have found it a negative experience. It is always hard, of course. incredibly emotional and painful. With a sometimes overwhelming degree of many different emotions.

Perhaps, you weren't prepared enough for how your Gran was going to look. I totally understand your feelings of her looking like she was asleep, but not waking up. Its a very difficult thing to accept. Obviously really upsetting for you, and hard to come to terms with. its often at that point, when you see someone you love after they have died, that the finality of it really hits you, and really hard too. I suspect that is part of the reason you found it so incredibly distressing. It is of course impossible to say, but you possibly would have also regretted it, had you not seen her. I realize this is something you will never know.

Gosh, I hope my post doesn't look like i'm criticizing you, really truly not intended, if that is how it comes across. I just wanted to say that I read your post, and feel so sad that it has stayed with you in such a upsetting way.

i saw my brother 9 days after he had died and he looked just like him tbh. a little bit red (i think they went a bit ott with the make up) but then again he hadn't long got back off holiday. i'm really glad i went. i can't remember him feeling cold but i guess he must have done. i would go.

sorry about your brother NA

thanks so much for all your messages. After much discussion I decided I did want to see him but then discovered that there were so many people wanting to see him the day before the funeral that his girlfriend was strugling to get any time alone with him to say her own goodbyes.

I decided that I'd do a final gesture as his friend and not go, took some pressure off his girlfriend and while I'm sad I didn't manage to go, I'm left with very happy memories and feel at peace with it.

Thanks so much for your support and info

you have done a very wonderful thing and respected her privacy and need to say goodbye

I went to see my Dad about a week after he died. He died of a heart attack at home and because I had to identify him for the Police I wanted to go and see him in the Chapel of Rest to erase my lasting memory of him lying dead on the floor. Bearing in mind it was a week later and he'd had a post mortem I did expect him to look different but, tbh, I was completely shocked at HOW different he looked. My first words when I walked into the room and saw him lying in the coffin was 'what the hell have they done to you'...he looked nothing like my Dad. Whilst I don't regret going to see him I know he would have been upset for us to see him like that and after leaving some photos and letters/cards in his coffin I was glad to leave.

I would go to see your friend mustang but go with a very open mind - that way you won't be shocked/upset if he does look a lot different. xx

This is definitely personal opinion. I had been warned so I did not go to see my grandmother and grandfather but last month I was once again in the same situation only this time it was my mother and as I had never gone before and I had to take my father I decided to go in and although they did an excellent job it just did not look like her. I had said goodbye at the hospital as I was there in her final hours so it was not like I was saying goodbye. If I could have that time over maybe I would have stayed outside. I am glad I went for the experience but I wish it had not been my mother.

Good luck with whatever you decide

I went to see my Dad a week or so after he died. I was really glad I went because he was obviously not there. Like a glove without a hand in it. Made me feel better about having him cremated because I knew he had gone.

Hope youbare abnle to make the choice you are happy with.

I went to see my great grandad a few days ago. I’m 16 so I was allowed to make my own choices. I had never experienced anything like this before so I had no idea what to expect, but I really needed to see him.

it had been around two weeks since he had passed so he didn’t really look like himself, and that was quite painful. However, I will never regret going because I got to say my goodbye and tell him all the things I didn’t get to say before he passed. He looked peaceful which was a huge relief.

Honestly, going to the chapel of rest depends on what you think you can and can’t handle. You have to take into account how they passed and how long it has been. Depending on the time between their passing and you seeing them can determine how familiar they look to you. I was desperate to see GG again because he is my entire world and my brain wouldn’t accept he was gone, but I also knew that this was my chance to tell him about all the things I had done I knew he would have been proud of. Seeing him was so difficult, but I handled it well.

I am so sorry for anyone struggling with grief, we can heal bit by bit together :)

My mum and gran made me go to the Chapel of Rest at aged 15 to see my grandad and I really wish I hadn't. It looked nothing like him and it scared me actually. But the worse part is, whenever I now think of my happy, smiley grandad (as he was in life) I also get a flash of him as he was that day in his coffin 😢

So sorry @mustangsally, for the loss of your friend. That was very thoughtful of you to give his girlfriend the space she needed to say goodbye. That's being a true friend that is.

I saw my friend who was 43, 3 weeks after she died and a couple of days prior to her cremation. She looked just the same as she had when she was alive. I will always be glad that I went to say goodbye.

I lost my son of 31 nearly a year ago. He had been on life support for 6 days in ITU.
as a nurse I had always advised people not to go to the chapel of rest, so many people told me they felt it was a mistake.
But I wanted to see my boy without all the tubes and wires so decided to go.
I am still having nightmares because I instinctively touched his face and stroked his hair and he was so cold and his hair was damp. The reality of his death hit me so hard at that moment and I wake up at night still feeling the coldness of him.
I felt I needed to share this with you because I should have known what to expect but have been so badly affected by my experience 💛

I saw my dad in the chapel of rest and wish I didn't. it had been a few weeks since he passed at I saw him when he left at the hospital I was with him hours. he looked the same. but at the chapel he looked scary. and the smell was strange
sweet strong cleaning fluid smell. I am glad I went but I cqnt remove the image of him I left after 5 seconds

I went to see my dad about a week after he died. He’d had surgery so his head was bandaged. He looked like an older version of dad and so like his much older brother. He looked so peaceful and I have never regretted seeing him ….but, my mum and sister didn’t really want to see him but came with me for support and it was only after mum died (27 years later) that my sister told me that she really regretted going to see dad and didn’t think he looked peaceful at all.

I was strongly advised not to see mum. I didn’t, but regretted it for a long time. I felt I made the decision based on what everyone else wanted and needed. However, I am at peace with that now.

I know this is an old thread but I’ve had both negative (grandma when I was 14) and positive (dad4yrs ago). I was so glad I went to see my dad. Yes he looked a bit different, but it was still him. He felt so cold, and waxy but I knew that was the chemicals used to embalm. It really helped me as I wasn’t there when he passed. I got a lot of comfort from going.

I went to see my mum a couple of times in the chapel of rest. I was very lucky that my cousin used to be an undertaker and her and her partner offered to wash, dress and get my mum ready. That knew exactly how she used to look and so she really did look just like herself. Her mouth looked slightly "off" from certain angles, but from the top of the coffin she looked just like she was asleep in her armchair. I feel so blessed that my cousin did such a wonderful job and I was able to spend a few days chatting to mum. I had been with her when she died at home, but my last memories were of her having quite violent CRP and then lying on the bed with the blue tube still in her mouth, so to see her in the coffin was so much more peaceful. She really did just look lovely and at peace. The first visit I was a bit wary, I think just because being in a room with a dead person can be a bit jarring, and I felt slightly scared, although I know that's ridiculous because she's my mum, but by the last time I visited, the day before the funeral, I could be left alone and would have my hands on her hands and I kissed her on the forehead. The coldness is a shock, and my mum always hated being cold, but I still felt it really helped me.

I found seeing my mum absolutely traumatising at the time and I felt like I’d made some awful mistake and would never be able to get over it. But even a day later I was so grateful that I had been to visit. She didn’t look like her- for a start she was blessed with fabulous lips and her mouth was like a gash. However when it came to the funeral I can’t express how much better it was- I’d seen what was on the coffin, I knew the box lowered into the ground didn’t it contain the essence of her: I felt nothing actually when she was lowered in. I was the only person there who was dry eyed.

I knew she was gone and that instant upset if seeing her in the chapel gave me so much comfort afterwards. It definitely helped me to process it.

I am so sorry for anybody forced to debate this decision: it’s such a personal dilemma.

That was kind op. I tend not to go. I went to see a boyfriend and it was upsetting but good for closure as his death was unexpected and I was struggling to accept it. I chose not to with elderly relatives and was happy to remember them as they were. I think it's very personal and depends on the situation.

I know this is an old post but just found this after my own experience I want to share.
My twin sister left us two weeks ago today. She ended her time on earth in the tracks. (Sorry for any upset this may cause)
It's been traumatic to say the least with circumstances leading up, then what happened and the agony after.
We did get to see her at the hospital but that was only one side of her face due to what happened and they warned us she had some injuries but they tried there best to make her her. I was so scared. When I saw her I recognised her hair and forever immediately. Her eyes I couldn't really make out but he brow looked weird. Her nose was completely different as we have what we call the family bump, that was gone. And from down on it just wasn't her. It brought me no peace and has only haunted me.
Ever since she passed I've felt absolutely heartbroken. Mentally and physically. And all the other emotions associated with grief and suicide.
Two hours ago I sat with her in the chapel of rest and had a completely different experience.
Her body was deteriorating quite quickly we was told and she obviously sustained a lot of injuries. They told us they believe to view her would be more traumatising than beneficial so than soothing so they kept her coffin closed.
I was anxious to even see her coffin knowing she was inside. Looking at leaflets when arranging was soul destroying. When we walked in and saw the coffin I felt my heart stop. But once we had sat down beside her, our hands on the coffin, given her our treasures and spoke to her and about our memories... I honestly have never and can't imagine ever feeling that sense of peace again. I have been over come with wondering how she is and if she is happy and still with us in a spiritual way and the not knowing but came out feeling like she was certainly with us in body and spirit. Like she always will be. I feel like I know she's at peace. I can't tell you how I know but I know she now at peace.
My chest dosent feel as heavy tonight and I am so excited to go sit with my twinnie again soon as possible.
Maybe this is my grief and me clinging on to this moment. But I'm reaping it tonight. That was the only moment since she passed I've felt ok. Just peace nothing else. Just peace.

I would advice any one to go. If you don't want to see them or that thought is worrying ask to go in with coffin closed at first maybe? Part of me did want to see her. We are allowed but they advise us not to. But I am not sure I could handle that. I understand due to what she went through she may be unrecognisable. I think it's just the guilt side of me that wants to self torment myself. Even if this is momentarily. I can't see ever regretting this decision right now.

Sending love to every one whos experiencing grief and finds this. There's no words that will seem fitting Ive found. Never mind day by by, it's thought by thought. Be kind to yourselves and each other.

Many years ago, I went to see the body of a dear friend, killed by the arrogance and stupidity of a friend he hero-worshipped.
He (K) didn't look at all like he looked in life. Loads of facial make-up and gelled-down hair. I complained about it to the funeral parlour staff. They said that they were "only paid to do people once, but we could part his hair different if you want?" I thanked them and left.
The perpetrator got two years inside, and on being released, moved with his mother up North.