Advice on new step-mum for widowed dad

[Alwayslooktothestars]

Hi,
I am at a total loss on how to act and would greatly value the advice of this group. Apologies it’s a long one!

As context, my mum (70) passed away 2 yrs ago with cancer. In many ways we were incredibly lucky - she was initially given 2 weeks to live and then had 5 incredible years, on holiday abroad with my dad 2 weeks before she died. They had been married nearly 50yrs and had an incredible life.

6 weeks after her passing my dad (70) went on a small cruise holiday with an american woman (60) they had met on some of these holidays before. He came back after this and immediately announced he was marrying her and moving to the states. He was surprised that my brother and I weren’t happy for him and left to live with her as a ‘test’ for a few months.

Over the course of the next year they were together (as ‘a great romance’) and broken up (she had ‘shown her true colours’ or taken against us as his children) constantly. It was an emotional rollercoaster and I tried to support dad as much as I could (my brother lives with his family in Australia and tries as best he can, but it’s obviously harder). I moved my family to be closer to him, arranged childcare during my maternity leave to dedicate time to him alone, he even came to fully live with us (and a 6 week old newborn + 4 yr old) for a period and was diagnosed with depression.

It is clear that grief and loneliness are a powerful combination and this lady offered an escape from that. She offered to move to the UK and they got back together and got married (on the anniversary of my mums funeral). We tried to welcome her (inviting her for lunches, even a family holiday) but each time we were apparently ‘not welcoming enough’, cold or distant.

After the marriage she made it clear she would never live in the UK and told my dad it was because she was scared of me. My dad now thoroughly believes this and has even written a new version of history in a therapy diary saying that no one apart from this lady helped him after mum died. He lives fully in the states and blames me entirely for ‘keeping him from his grandchildren’ as I won’t be ‘more loving’ to this woman. When I try to ask what more I can do, he says it’s not about logic but about emotion and she can tell that I’m not a genuine person. Nothing ever seems to be good enough for this woman.

So I am at a loss. I personally feel incredibly hurt by how my dad is acting and I don’t recognise him as a person - but could that be the depression? He never asks after me or his grandchildren, yet says I’m using them as a negotiating tool. He has refused any form of family therapy or mediation.

He has now sent an impassioned email saying his dearest wish for Christmas is for me to treat this lady ‘in the manner which befits her status as his wife’.

In all honesty I want to hide in a hole and never speak to either of them again. However I do love the person that was my dad even if I can’t see that person now. I want to do the right thing but keep my sanity. Any advice much appreciated. thank you!

Is there money involved? Do you think she's abusing him? Can't do much when adults make ridiculous decisions unfortunately - you could suggest family counselling?

There is money involved, however she appears independently very well off so I don’t believe that’s part of it. I don’t believe she physically abuses him, but I would say the emotional manipulation - particularly love bombing vs threatening to leave has been very effective.

It doesn't sound great... I have low tolerance for my dad tbh, so I'd ignore the impassioned plea. But assuming you like yours more than I like mine, maybe family counselling is a good shout

To add, my situation is a little different, but i empathise - my dad had an affair when my mum was alive. My mum was pretty miserable, not just over the affair but in general, and eventually drank herself to death. Then my dad got back together with the affair partner. He has tried some of the "she's a LOVELY lady and she just wants to be included" type of thing. I have consistently, politely refused. I do see them but very rarely and am only polite to her. Certainly not loving. I just don't feel as if I need to have that sort of relationship with a sort of stepmum at my age!

OP says he won't do any mediation or therapy.

This is crazy, OP, so sorry you're going through this, especially after losing your mam.

He sounds deluded.

I'd be going nc. But perhaps you could ask him to write a letter detailing what you've done wrong and what he expects you to be doing just so you have it to hand and then ignore him

Tbh, if he won't do family therapy I'd reduce contact too. Life is far too short for this sort if prescriptive affection towards someone you don't know.

It is harder if you get a lot out of your relationship with your dad though, so I suppose you can keep trying with the step-mum if you think it is worth doing.

It almost sounds like 'The Script' - the changing of history, the turning of blame.

Look - I don't think you can win on this one. You could put it down to cultural differences - you're the more introspective Brit, she's the over the top Yank, but basically she's driving a wedge through yours and your father's relationship. She sees you as a rival so whatever you do will never be enough. I personally don't think he is behaving like this due to depression - some people just can't manage life without a partner, so they block their grief.

I would tell your dad you love him, the grandkids love him and you will be there for him, come what may. That you've done your best to build a relationship with his new wife however it is only to be expected that there is a distance between you as you haven't known her for very long and these things take time. That you expect her to understand you lost your Mum, and that no one can replace her. As tempting as it might be to let him have some home truths, don't go there. There'll be no road back if you do. Keep it open.

I would then take a deep breath and leave the ball in his court. Some counselling for yourself might be useful, as at the very minimum, all this would have disrupted your grieving for your Mum.

Sounds like he was incredibly lonely and can't see past the fact she came in the scene and now he's not lonely. Did your mum do most things for him so he needed a new wife to keep house for him?

I don't see how therapy would help anyway if she doesn't want to have a positive relationship with you. If you don't want to reduce contact then I would be saying every time he brings this up something like "I'm really sorry I'm trying my best it's just it happened so fast after mum and I'm still really missing mum. it's really nothing against step mum it's not her personality I'm just grieving". Give him the apology he wants but follow it up with a reminder you lost your mum. Maybe don't explicitly say it happened fast but try to get across the relationship with her suffers as you are grieving. Even if that's not true because she sounds horrible. Who gets married on the anniversary of the funeral?!

You said your mum was terminal for 5 years. So he would have started grieving then. It's different for children we can't replace or get new parents when they die like the widow can should they wish. I think if you want to maintain a relationship with him you need to try get your head around that. Ask how she is, pretend to be interested in her. Don't get het up that he's not asking about your kids just go ahead and share what they are up to and how they are. I mean how often will you actually have to see her? She's manipulative and threatening to leave etc sounds emotionally abusive to some degree- very very common for abusers to make great effort to estrange their victim from their family. They often make fake observations about how the family is uncaring or doesn't like them or the victim. Is she can get him to believe you are nasty then he will isolate himself and be further under her control. Or you will reduce contact or fall out with him and appears to prove her right. I think if you are worried then you just have to fake accept her. Grey rock the nasty comments you feel are untrue and kill her with kindness when you do have to see her.

If you can't do it then reduce the contact and know that you are doing nothing wrong. It's his choice not yours to have her in his life he's a grown adult, if you don't think she's hurting him then it's not your responsibility to protect him. Particularly not when doing so is a regular reminder of the mother you lost

TBH I don't think you'll ever "win" this one, so if I was you I'd quite sadly go no contact with him. I sense she's very manipulative, and maybe losing contact with his daughter will make him see it.

It's so tough (and a bit weird) when people remarry after the death of a long term spouse. My FIL did it, married a family friend within 3 years of MIL death. She was no where near as manipulative as your Dads lady OP, but DH and his brother both saw a huge change in their relationship with their Dad, which was sad.

FIL has since died, and we all rally around step mil, not significantly so, but she's not left alone at Christmas, as visits fairly regularly etc. It's a slightly awkward feeling as everyone feels a bit bitter over what happened/the speed of the new relationship etc.

Good luck x

What’s the point of ‘going no contact’ as recommended by some PP? If I haven’t misunderstood, DF is in the States and you are in UK? So you aren’t going to see much of them anyway, and you live in different time zones. I would just let him make any future efforts at contact, if they are pleasant, you can respond, if not just delete and ignore. You have the excuse of not being ‘close’ to explain your ‘keeping your distance’.

Grey rock, as they say on here. I hope you have a joyful Christmas.

To be honest I think your dad sounds incredibly disrespectful to the 50 years he spent with your mum. 6 weeks after she passed away he was talking about marrying someone else and then married on the anniversary of her funeral.

I would tell him straight that he isn’t the man you knew and to leave your alone.

I'd fire off a message back saying -

Dad, we still grieve the loss of our mother but we understand that you missed companionship and didn't want to be alone and we are happy for you that you have found love again.

We have welcomed Brenda with open hearts and minds but have been rebuffed every time.

We have always made Brenda feel welcome and it is sad that both of you see it differently.

We wish you all the best dad but will not tolerate the accusations of any wrong doing which are false and have created tension and problems when there were none.

It's sad that our relationship with you has soured over this and we hope you understand that the things you have said are simply not true and that our only wish is for all this wrongly perceived slight to be dropped and we just all get along.
Best wishes dad, we love you.

Your dad is in an abusive relationship. There is nothing you can do until he sees this for himself. I went through this and eventually went no contact as the behaviour from his wife was unacceptable. It took 4yrs for him to eventually leave her and then he died around a year after that without fully reconciling with family.

She’s expunged your mother by marrying on the anniversary of her death. He’s an example of there’s no fool like an old fool as she’s a megalomaniac. Until he realises there’s no hope for you or your children. Go NC OP.

In what way does she “appear” well off.
It could be a front, fuelled with debt to acquire a wealthier spouse.

I think I would try to stick how you feel and to a version of I have tried to be open and welcoming and I am sorry new wife doesn’t feel that way.
And I feel that I did my best to support Mum and you through her illness and you after she was gone, I am sorry you don’t feel supported and I feel hurt that you are diminishing what I did.

What's the point? To save OP's sanity. She is being repeatedly disrespected and she deserves better.

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts. I really appreciate it and fully empathise with so many of the comments. I have been told so many times what ‘a kind, loving woman’ this person is and that I just need to get on with it. I could give you countless examples of where she has very much not been ‘kind and loving’ to his family.

I had to google grey rock, but I think this sounds like a great approach. I’m not sure my conscience would let me cut him off completely but he needs to learn to
make peace with the situation and give me peace.

I really appreciate all of your thoughts - thank you!

@ValleyKings hit the nail on the head

'To be honest I think your dad sounds incredibly disrespectful to the 50 years he spent with your mum. 6 weeks after she passed away he was talking about marrying someone else and then married on the anniversary of her funeral.

I would tell him straight that he isn’t the man you knew and to leave your alone'

@Alwayslooktothestars he truly hasn't given a shit about you or your grief and the huge losss a mother is for a daughter.

In a very similar situation been NC for nearly 4 years, no regrets

I know it sounds uncouth but I assume your father is wealthy as most other people would just leave him to get on with his life!

Regardless, do just leave him to it and if you are lucky he won’t leave it all to her!