My son hasn’t had contact with his father for seven years due to social services involved. A restraining order was issued due to long term domestic abuse. He’s a teenager now and this week I had to inform him his father had died. He’s so upset and feeling guilty as he saw him not to long ago and didn’t say a word to him due to being anxious and not allowed to. He has so many unanswered questions. Also I’m really shocked at my own reaction to his death. I haven’t spoke to him the whole seven years but have seen him in passing but I feel so exhausted and sad and replay all the memories of him in my head. I was 15 when I met him and he was my first love and I was 29 when contact was stopped. I have moved on and have been very happy with current partner with two other children. But since he died I feel so sad
about it even though he caused me
so much pain when he was alive and when we was in a relationship. I have so many conflicting emotions and I feel confused. I’m also angry that I’m left to pick up the pieces and seeing my son hurt is tearing me apart. I think it was a drugs overdose and I was told he choked on his own vomit in his sleep. Which I can’t stop thinking about. It’s hard for me to be upset as my current partner doesn’t understand and won’t get why I feel so distant and isolated. I feel bad that I’m pushing him away and I aren’t meaning to I just feel like being on my own a lot and just feel so exhausted. I feel so uncomfortable feeling this way about an abusive ex that ruined our lives. My son has grieved while he was alive when he wasn’t allowed to see him and now he is grieving his death and I feel so responsible for this like it’s my fault.