Boyfriend wanting to come to funeral

[GrievingDaughter123]

Not sure whether to put this in relationships or bereavement, so apologies if this is wrong.

My mum passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly recently. She was fit, healthy and active. Nothing would have indicated it was her time to leave.

I am my mum's next of kin (she was divorced). I have no siblings, but do have 2 older teen DC.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year, but taking things very slowly. He has met my oldest DC, but not the youngest or any other family member. He met my mum twice.

He wants to come with me to mum's funeral to support me. Whilst it's lovely that he'd like to go that for me, I'm not sure it's an appropriate setting for him to meet all my family and my mum's friends for the first time.

I'd also just like the opportunity to say goodbye together with my DC and I'm not sure I want someone else being a part of that.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable in this (and a massive walking red flag for not wanting him around at one of the most (if not the most) significant event in my life, or if I should just explain to him that I don't want him there. He seems to have assumed he'll be coming with me without ever asking if it's what I'd like.

Wwyd?

Tell him how you feel and that, while you don't want to exclude him, it isn't the appropriate moment.

YANBU

I'd also just like the opportunity to say goodbye together with my DC and I'm not sure I want someone else being a part of that.

This is all that matters really and isn't at all unreasonable. Tell him and if he genuinely cares for you then he should respect your wishes and completely understand. If he does absolutely anything other than that, I'd be carefully rethinking this one...

I wouldn't be taking him. He hasn't even met your other DC and this isn't the time to be introducing them, let alone to the rest of your family.

I had my DHs funeral 4 months ago. My focus was on my two young adult (early 20s) DDs and getting them through the day. As the NOK and main mourner you will also be front and forward, so you don't need to be worrying about the boyfriend, introducing him to others, making sure he's ok. Maybe he means well, but this isn't the right setting and he needs to respect your choice, whatever that should be.

So sorry for your loss OP.

I understand why he wants to support you, but the funeral isn't the right time for your family to meet him for the first time. He'd be a distraction for them and they've also had a sudden loss and will want to focus on their grief. There's a danger that they'd feel resentful that the funeral had been hijacked into a 'meet the boyfriend' occasion. Hopefully he'll understand that.

I can absolutely understand him wanting to support you so his request is reasonable. I think you just need to explain to him that truly, you'd rather him not come as you want to give all your attention to your child. I'm sure he'll understand that x

This is 100% your decision OP. I can understand him assuming that he would come, but once you explain what you have told us in your post, he should understand your reasoning.

I was the girlfriend in this situation. Of course I wanted to be there for him, but it was not about me. I supported him to the degree that he wanted, ie when he was with me and when he phoned. I completely accepted that I was not really part of the family and that my boyfriend didn't feel this was the right time for them to meet me. That's what he said "This is not the right time."

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's such a difficult thing to navigate.

I’d been seeing my boyfriend about 6 months when my mum died. We were in our 20s. He drove from one end of the country to the other to be there at the funeral, and met my very large extended family and family friends for the first time - about 200+ at the funeral. I was glad he was there. We are still together 30 years on.

However it’s your decision.

So sorry for your loss.

This is your decision and it's entirely reasonable for you to not want him there and to say goodbye to your mum surrounded by the people who knew and loved her.
It's good he wants to support you as you will need that afterwards.

It seems like a green flag that he has offered to come and support. When you decline his kind offer, he should accept your reasoning without hesitation or it's a red flag.
With regards to your own wider feelings about the relationship, I don't think you should read too much into your reluctance to have him there. You have just had the worst kind of shock. It's natural that your feelings are all over the place. It's natural that you have limited capacity to deal with anything new. There's no right or wrong way to deal with this and, if he's a good person, he will accept this without question.
Sending love and strength. Trust your instincts. It's the only way through shock and grief.

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.

I'll let him know that I don't think it's appropriate for him to be there. My eldest DC will not be taking their partner (they've been together 4 years) and my dad (her ex-h) will not be taking his wife of 25 years, so I think it's better if it's just family.

You're right, if he doesn't accept it, it's a red flag.

I just feel this is something very personal and something I'd like time to deal with on my own or with family that knew and loved her like I did.

I think it’s lovely that he wants to support you.

However, if it’s too much pressure, explain this to him. Acknowledge his support but explain the reasons why.

Very kind of him and his heart is in the right place but you are also very reasonable in your wants and needs.
Just explain, he will understand