This past Monday, 18NOV2024, while i was sitting on the couch in the living room at my best friends' apartment he, without saying anything- no warning, apparently calmly and quietly (I literally heard NOTHING!!!) hanged himself in the bathroom down the hall. When me and another friend got the bathroom door open and found him, without thinking too much about it, she cut him down. As she was calling 911, I lifted him out of the bathtub he had fallen into and dragged him to the living room (where there was enough room to move properly) and tried to do CPR until the police (and a few minutes later others) got there and took over. After approximately 20-30 minutes) the EMT came out and informed me and the other friend that all resuscitation efforts had been stopped and my best friend had died. They explained that he had suffered an "internal decapitation", where, although the person' s head is still attached on the outside their spinal cord has been completely severed internally. The loss has hit me hard. I am, however, no matter what i go through or for how long, thankful that myself and the other friend found him and that his long time girlfriend did not. On 1 hand I have a tremendous amount of guilt because 1- he was my best friend, i was literally at his house 7 days a week for hours at a time... Why did i not see this coming, notice something off, SOMETHING??? 2- I WAS THERE!!! A couple rooms away, how did i not hear anything going on??!!! How was I so totally oblivious in every way???!!! The other part of this, and i know (as will you at the part i mean) that some of this is straight up overactive imagination caused by and coupled with anxiety at the very least. Since that night, pretty much any time i am alone, especially at home/in someplace quiet) and VERY MUCH SO at night, i feel anxious, a creepy, skin crawling, hair standing on end, EXTREMELY uneasy feeling of fear, a couple of times bordering on all out paralyzing (quite literally) terror, it just takes over. Sitting in the backroom of my house, the only room we smoke in, it is all windows on 3 sides, i swear i see/catch glimpses of things moving outside that shouldn't and shadows or partial shadows moving around, in ways they shouldn't be, quickly and almost always these are accompanied by loud bangs and thumps. The dogs take notice and bark but there's no one outside or inside other than me and the dogs and the motion sensor security light doesn't come on with these movements. These events seem to increase and feel more intense (i know this is probably my hyper imagination coupled with the recently onset anxiety) around 930-945 until around 1115 or so, roughly the time frame on monday night that we found him and everything. Lastly, even more bothersome and fear and anxiety inducing than those issues is this, even at my own home or other places (NOT my friend's apartment where it happened) if i go to use the bathroom, when i get to the bathroom door, we keep it closed so the dogs don't go in there and #2 on the floor, i involuntarily start to get extremely anxious, close to a full blown attack. My heart pounds and races, my body "tingles" and starts to feel weakened and trembles, while my hands shake uncontrollably. When i do turn the handle to open the door to our bathroom, just as the door opens, for just a second or 2, i actually see (obviously in my mind- like a mental picture/image or whatever) the same terrible, gut wrenching, terrifying scene, very realistic, vivid, and so lifelike and real...like an exact photograph of that day taken by my brain.... I see, briefly, my best friend and the way he looked and.... Well, for a couple seconds, i see the exact scene we opened the door to monday. I can't keep reliving that, being so anxious, scared, etc...i absolutely can't but, i can't seem to be able to control or stop it. I've never felt or experienced anything like this or to this extent and it's worrying me.