Mum's old things and clearing the house - general guilt

[PlopSofa]

So we've finally done it, my DB and I and we've cleared DM's house.

I had the opportunity to take anything I wanted to but I didn't take much because we don't have the space. I didn't take a lamp I'd considered and now it's haunting me a bit. I know it sounds silly but I think about it every so often and think perhaps I should have taken it.

But this is another reason. I already have filled in little spots around the house with her stuff but now every time I look at them I am reminded of her and it's very sad and I guess I just didn't want to be reminded of her, every time I saw the lamp.

How do you reconcile the grief with the remaining items. Wanting to remember and yet toughing it out with seeing them around and being reminded of their demise continually? I'm finding it very hard.

Also, the guilt. The guilt at sending away all her treasured items. I know they are just dust in the universe really but again I'm torn inside my mind about how sad it all is and then I flip the oh well life is ephemeral, what are you worrying about, it'll be your turn in a the blink of an eye.

And finally the other guilt. I didn't manage to get my Mum a last steak before she died. She expressed the desire of a steak 3 weeks before she died. I looked at some little steaks at M&S but didn't buy them because I knew I wouldn't have a chance to cook them for her properly and take them over and her carer wouldn't have known how to do them either the way she liked them. It was all too difficult.

I have other guilts like this. Not seeing her the Monday morning at the hospice before she died because I was exhausted from all the previous visits already to the hospice. I have my own family. My DB fell ill with flu. I went repeatedly day after day after day and the day I didn't go, I made sure I was at her home on the Monday to be there when she arrived with the hospital bed made up etc and everything in place for the final days.

I never thought when we arrived at that house when I was 15 and we moved in during half-term, 33 years later she'd die in that house and I'd have to empty it of every memory we'd ever made together. And it would all go off in a couple of white vans.

Why is death so bloody hard? It's nearly a year and I still cry every day for her. I miss her so much. I don't really have any one to talk to. Sometimes I'm just not sure how to move forward. My hair keeps falling out. It stops growing, falls out, starts again, stops, falls out on a repeat cycle.

Perhaps I need counselling? How did counselling help you? And where did you find a counsellor?

Just before my Mum died she told me that when I eventually go through her craft room I will find a bag of smocking, lace and embroideries which took hours of my Nans time and skill in making them.

She said I could do what I wanted with them, they were my problem now, but not worth a bean but she hadn't had the heart to throw them away.

I guess this is the case with a lot of stuff. It was their choice to buy and their taste. We aren't expected to fill our own homes with it.

My Dad is still alive and he gives away pieces that we all love for birthdays and Christmas now. He has dementia (although he understands what's going on still) so he doesn't use these things and never will. He can't go shopping so any gifts would be sorted by me anyway, so I am grateful he enjoys doing this.

It's not silly and I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Mum died two and a half weeks ago. I also feel guilty that I was too unwell and exhausted to see mum the week before she died. Guilty that she died alone and it went unnoticed for four days. Guilty that I hadn't even registered that she'd not phoned with her 'shopping order' for a few days.

I understand the feeling of guilt about getting rid of items she loved too, but we honestly can't keep everything, and I truly believe memories are what's in our heads and hearts, not about things.

Could you contact Cruse - they give bereavement support www.cruse.org.uk/

When you sent off all of her treasured items, you sent them off on their journey to become someone else’s treasured items too. They might have a whole other life. They’ll be recycled and reused and many people will really appreciate them. Children will grow up with those things in their childhood homes and those things will become part of their folklore, too.

If you gave some of her things to charity, then some lucky people will have been able to buy those lovely things, items that they would never otherwise have been able to afford. They’ll be really delighted with them. Then the charity will benefit too and they’ll be able to help people. So you’ve done a marvellous thing. It’s something that’s so tough to do and you have to be really strong to get through it. You should be proud of yourself.

Please seek counselling- it gave me a safe place to unpack all my feelings about my dm, and be kinder to myself.
your hospice may offer bereavement counselling. 🌺

Sending thoughts to all those recently bereaved. 💐
When my father died a few years ago, I cleared out the house which my parents had lived in since they were married, over 50 years before.
My mother died 20 years before my DF, who left all her clothes & personal items for me to sort out as well.
It was so difficult making the decision about keeping or sending items to charity, orm the local recycling centre.
In the end I bought 6 rattan baskets & stored the ultra sentimental value items in these. I know they are there but haven’t looked at them since DF died.’
Regarding guilt, I often reflect on the fact that I could have done more. Also I wasn’t with him when he passed. The years do lessen this feeling so please be kind to yourself. I’m sure you have done your very best.

@MetaphorsBeWithYou What a lovely post. Made me cry - but that's a really good way of looking at things. Thank you.

Sending hugs to all those who’ve lost their mums.They say that after a certain age the thought of dying happens a little more often. I know it’s inevitable but I feel so worried that when I die my DC will be upset and also feel furious that I won’t be there to see how my lovely DGC grow up. So I’ve been planning what I can do to help ease it for them. Firstly I’ve taken out a funeral plan so at least most of it will be paid for. And I’ve made a clear and very fair will. But most importantly I’m starting to clear my stuff. I read about the Swedish concept of ‘death cleaning’ where you basically start chucking out all the clutter before you die. I’m going to start doing that quietly. And hopefully when the time comes all that will make the heartbreak a little easier to bear. I’m 73. Healthy but no one knows what the future will bring.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I get the your feelings of guilt.
My DF asked for some wine gums. He was dying from cancer and died a few days later. I was too scared to buy them in case he choked on them as he was not taking food and only sips of liquid. I still feel guilty for not getting them as he asked me persistantly that day and was cross when I said I had forgotten.

It's really hard. Getting rid of Mum's little treasures just about finished me off, not because they were worth anything but because she'd so enjoyed looking through her little bits of things.

A very wise lady told me that the things brought my Mum pleasure and that's all they needed to do, and that Mum would have hated to think she'd made me feel guilty for getting rid of them. We all kept one or two small things and I can look at the ornament /photos now and feel happy and lucky that I had my lovely Mum (and Dad) for so long - I don't need things to remember their beautiful faces and feel wrapped in their love.

@Londonismyjam I'm doing the same. My mum told me everything would be sorted on her death. It turns out nothing was sorted. She gave me the business card of a solicitor who 'held her will'. It didn't exist - the solicitor gave details of lots of other transactions (divorce, conveyancing etc) but no will. Also the funeral director had no record of a funeral plan.

I'm now in a circle of bureaucratic hell trying to arrange the funeral. The funeral directors won't take mum from the hospital until half the funeral is paid for (I can't afford to pay the half). They can't create an invoice for the funeral until they take care of mum. The bank won't pay for the funeral until they get the invoice.

I've never felt this level of stress. Am making sure my kids never have to go through this.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand exactly how you feel - I could have written much of this almost word for word. It's been over two years now since my mum died and it took me several months to sell the house and clear everything. I tried to be respectful with her treasures, but there was so much I couldn't part with and I've got several boxes of ornaments packed away under the spare bed. I tried to give bigger things away to people who would use them

• my best friends daughter had just bought a new flat and didn't have any money left for furniture so she had lots of small tables, cupboards, and pictures, and my mum would have loved to know that she was making use of them. But I had to give a lot of stuff to charity and my mum had spent her last three years with quite bad dementia and had turned into a bit of a hoarder and had broken loads of her precious things. I felt guilty about everything I gave to charity or had to throw out.

I'm also full of guilt like other people. I did my very best to support my mum and she always knew she could rely on me, but I think everyone feels they could have done more, and I think back and regret every unkind word that I might have ever said as a teen and the unsaid words that I wish I'd had a chance to say to her. I think it does get easier over time, but even after two years, my grief is still there all the time and jumps back out at me when I see an unexpected photo, or a memory pops into my head.

There is a vase I didn’t take which still haunts me OP just so you know that you are not alone in that .

It’s glib but true - time does heal at least to some degree , in the years to come you will look with loving memories at the bits you did bring home not grief . Give yourself time

I hear you OP- one thing that broke my heart was finding new summer clothes in the wardrobe with the tags on. Mum must have been looking forward to wearing those once the weather warmed up, but she never got to enjoy them. They've since disappeared as my dad has gradually cleared out her clothes - I don't think he could bear to have them around. Every time I visit, he's done more clearing out. I guess we need something to channel our grief into - the regrets about not scooping up and saving every physical momento and reminder are definitely something I feel. I did save my mum's sewing machine and needle box and transferred it to my own loft. No idea what I will do with it as I have one too but I couldn't bear for it to go.

The other guilt is strong here too. I was away in with work when my mum died suddenly from sepsis. She was ill for 48 hours but no one realised how serious it was til very late, so no one told me. My brother called me to say she was on end of life care in the hospital - unconscious so unable to speak on the phone. I started trying to get a flight home asap, but literally half an hour later she was gone. I wasn't there, and because I'd been so focused on my kids and just general life and going on this work trip, our last call had been 5 days before. Usually, we spoke every couple of days so 5 days was unusual. I'll always regret not calling her over that time and having one last chat, and it haunts me that maybe that would have comforted her before she slipped away from us. And why didn't I think to get someone to hold the phone to her ear? Maybe she could still have heard my voice. Instead I feel like I abandoned her in her hour of need. I've been over the events of those few days a thousand times in my mind, trying to make sense of them and willing them to be different.

On a different note, re the counselling you can also try the BACP website to search for a counsellor. Many seem to offer a free intro session to see if you want to work together. Personally, I had a few sessions with someone earlier this year, but found it hard to open up. I might try again soon.

@ Tashbear - “one thing that broke my heart was finding new summer clothes in the wardrobe with the tags on. Mum must have been looking forward to wearing those once the weather warmed up, but she never got to enjoy them”

But your mother had the pleasure of buying them and looking forward to wearing them, so don’t let it upset you.

As for people saying they feel guilty about not taking their mother’s treasured items, ultimately, it’s all just stuff. Your mother’s taste is not yours, and you will treasure things that your children will not want to give house room to - but perhaps someone else will. Don’t feel guilty, either, about things you didn’t do - you wouldn’t want your children to feel guilty about something they hadn’t done for you, and no more would your mother want you to feel guilty about what you didn’t do for her. As for being upset by being reminded of your mother through her things, I have a few bits of my mother’s - and it is comforting. I know she would be pleased that I have them, and I certainly don’t want to forget her. One thing I am particularly pleased to have is a brooch she I used to wear that my father gave her. I wear it to family weddings, so that it’s as though a little piece of her is there. Sentimental, I know, but it pleases me and also other family members.

I bought a beautiful MCM sideboard 20 years ago on ebay. Ebay wasn't as taken over by cheap imports then as it is now and the man I bought it from told me it was his grandmothers but sadly he didn't have the room to keep it. It's been part of our lives for decades now and will continue to be, probably until DH and I die. So try and remember that the things you sell on or give to charity will be loved by another family and become part of their story.

Death is an awful time, but I think the thing to focus on is that it is awful for us. Think about your things - would you want your children or loved ones to feel such anguish over a lamp? Or would you rather they send it on its merry way?
We have life - it gets in the way sometimes and regret over last days is normal. However your mum had life too, the small incidentals we wish we could change were just that. Small and not big things. Being there when people pass is what we all any to do, however it isn't unusual for people to hang on until they are alone, it's instinct. Death is a funny beast, I like to think that no one is actually on their own at the end but that is personal belief. No one knows what we are going too, or how it feels, but I've seen enough of death to ease my mind a little that there is a good chance it isn't a terrible thing sometimes.
I wish you all the best with this hard period OP. Allow yourself to grieve, keep some precious items and send the rest out into the world. As PP have said, we don't know where they are going too.