My kids won't know my dad

[amIloud]

My dad died in his 40s many years ago now. I come from a troubled background. Partly down to his addictions. I was shown little physical love by my mum so it was always my dad who was the cuddly loving one.

Today I just thought life has moved on so much in the last 18 years since he died. There js nothing of him present. It makes me sad that my kids won't know him. Or experience his love. I'm not sure how to describe it, my kids are 9 and 12. When they were born I really felt the absence of my dad. He just knew how to show love.

I'm not sure is this bereavement or not. My heart feels heavy this morning.

I understand, my DF had passed before my kids were born and that makes me unbelievably sad.
However, I never knew either of my grandfathers either and that doesn’t trouble me, so I think from my experience that the upset is yours, but won’t be your children’s.

Thanks @DustyLee123 I knew both of mine, one is still alive. They didn't really have much of an impact on my life as they were of a generation that didn't really show physical love.

I got so much love from my dad, he was the one I cuddled. He was the one who kissed me, he believed so much in me. Mum always said she doesn't know how to show love because she was never shown love. Her parents my GPs are quite cold people. They're more practical than loving.

I guess through the love I was shown by my Dad and his mum my other Grandmother at least I know how to love and show my kids physical affection. My mum barely hugged me as a child.

I get it OP and just having a little weep at your post. My dad died a few years ago, so my kids won't know him. I know they won't know different, but that makes it worse iyswim, they'll never know what a great guy he was. I love seeing DD's relationship with FIL, but it's always tinged with sadness on my part, especially now she's noticing that it's grandma and grandpa but only granny.

Anyway, I get it and much love to you ❤️

Thanks @Kingofthetyrantlizards they do have a relationship with FIL, he's a joking Grandpa. But I can't describe just how loving my dad was, honestly he was also very 'deep' he carried a lot of trauma but he was a loving soul, I can't describe how much people loved him. His loss hit so so many people so very hard. I mean my mum's sisters saw him as a brother and my Nan loved him as her own son. He was so loving and so so so loved. It's the loss of that love that hits me so hard all these years on.

I know with my DDs he would have loved them so much, I can't describe how deep his love for them would have been.

So sorry for your loss @Kingofthetyrantlizards I didn't think on a random Sunday in November almost 19 years since Dad died I'd be crying.

My DF died 28 years ago and I still cry now, especially at Xmas.

@DustyLee123 I'm sorry. I guess we just carry on. We have to.

My DF passed away when I was 3 and I have pangs of real sadness and grief that he never got to see me grow up and is not getting a chance to see his grandchild grow up either.

Your feelings are so normal and you need to allow yourself to feel them. Be kind to yourself. Your children only exist because he existed, he lives in them as he does in you ♥️

@MummyJ36 what a beautiful message, of course I love and adore my children. I sometimes think if my dad had not shown me the love the way he did could I love them or show them love.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry. It must weigh heavy that your Dad who meant such a lot to you won't meet your kids. Sending a hug and hand hold x

Thank you @Motherrr I guess I've never thought of it that way in that he had addictions - those addictions led to his early death. So I've always had a sort of unresolved anger towards him for not sorting himself out, but as I've got older I know more about the trauma he came from (abusive father, deeply depressed mother and my father was abandoned with other family in another country as a young child for a long time). But in all this I knew he loved us so so deeply and I feel like my kids and brother's kids would have been his opportunity to just love. And he would have loved them so so deeply.

I hear you OP. My kids won't really know THEIR dad ... It's a weird idea to comprehend.

And because we live in a different country, they don't really know my dad either.

DFiL is a lovely, kind but naturally stiff-upper-lip type so they don't really know him either despite seeing him regularly.

I feel this too OP, my mum died long before my children were born. A wise friend once reminded me that although I find it hard, it causes my DC no pain. They don't miss what they never had.

It's still hard though. It makes me so sad that the only grandma they'll ever know is a rotten old bitch who doesn't care about them at all.