Complicated bereavement

[SussexPup]

Hello
My husband died 2 weeks ago. It's a complicated situation, we had separated due to a domestic violence situation, and he was an alcoholic and a divorce was underway, however my underlying emotions were still sadness and grief. I have other threads running on the topic under a different user name.

I'd got used to life without him, but now I feel I am back to the beginning, and am trying to process, grief, guilt, loss of opportunity, plus the fact that I had been totally non contact for most of this year. Every day I hadn't reached out to him was a battle, and to coin a phrase I am sure I was trauma bonded. I was in a position where I knew I had to divorce, and not see him for my safety and well being, but equally I missed him so much.

Any words of wisdom/advice from anyone who has been in this sort of place before?

Thank you

Been there. Complicated grief is so difficult. My ex of ten years and i had split a year prior to her death from alcoholism. Feel free to message me.

Oh, OP, it is so complicated. DH and I had had a few rough years for a range of reasons when his cancer caught up with him in 4 short weeks. I'm missing him now more than I did at the time. Sometimes, I'm mourning the man I married and the good years of our marriage and that might be true for you too. There was a reason we married our men and I can still remember that part.

I don't have any advice here I'm afraid, just solidarity sending wishes that you come out of the other side at peace x

even if you have to leave someone to make sure you are safe then it does not stop your feelings. you had your ducks in a row so to speak; divorce etc but all this has brought things to a fore. i have been in the same situation though mine was a few more years apart, I thought that as I had been married again etc I was well over him and all the horrible things he put me through both in the marriage and afterwards, the feelings came flooding back. due to him being married again I could not see him I had this idea that maybe we could make peace though I know him he would not want to do that I felt the bereavement just as strongly. I have had to keep it to myself mainly due to my daughters and their feelings, but I was very upset there is not even a grave I can go to thinking of leaving flowers maybe, I must admit at times now I feel angry towards his wife bitterness in a stupid way that they had happiness together I keep trying but even now I have an unhappy relationship but I know all their relationship was cemented by alcohol

Thank you all for your comments. I’m just back from seeing him at the funeral directors. I had to say goodbye, as the last time I saw him he was being led away by the police. He looked calm and at peace. I do still love him and miss him. In a way at least I do get proper closure on my relationship with him.

@charlieinthehaystack I’m so sorry you have not had a chance to resolve with your ex, as it were. I do feel more settled that I did through my lawyers have a chance to say to him what I felt, and fortunately I am on good terms with his family, so I can do the whole funeral/grave thing. I hope you have someone in real life you can talk with about this.