Mum

[Justanotherusername27]

I lost my mum in March. I’ve posted before. I had just turned 30 with a 2 month newborn. She was 62, looked late 40s. She was fit, healthy, never drank and looked after herself. She was a clean living, kind, stable and wonderful woman. The kind of mum others dream of. She had a life to still live. My son and her were devoted to each other. Sleepovers. We lived there and she put him to bed after me. Holidays where they shared the same room. My daughter who she saw every day since she was born. She was diagnosed with cancer in December of last year and we lost her suddenly after they said they could treat it.

I am learning to live without her. Some days are okay some are unbearable. Today is one of those days. My dad has given me and my sister 10k each from a life insurance policy nobody knew she had. Don’t want it. I need it but don’t want it.

weve sold our house and in the process of buying a new one. I need her opinion. My daughter is learning so much. My mum needs to see it. Christmas is coming, something we celebrated hard. I don’t want to see any advert, listen to any song or even think about it. My birthday is coming up. My 30th she was in hospital after they found a brain tumour which highlighted her cancer. I never want another birthday again. We’re currently on holiday. Me, OH, dad, sister, her partner and our families. I just want to go home because I can’t stand that she’s not here.

my life is designed to be close to my mum. My personality is. It’s not just changed my world but me with it And my sister and dad. I’m so desperate for my mum. I feel like a little girl again. I just need her advice, her opinion and her stories of what little thing is causing her drama. I feel in a different world and I’m waiting for it to click back. I just want my mum.

Grief is so sharp and all-consuming at times. I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment, what a tough way to be feeling. Your mum sounds lovely and it's no surprise you feel untethered without her. Wishing you some peace and a lighter soul in time x

I just want to go home because I can’t stand that she’s not here.

This part resonates so strongly with me OP. It’s way too soon for holidays. How can you be normal and enjoy yourselves when you are so numb. It’s a mistake so many make - they’re just not ready. You crave your normality, not being somewhere ew and unfamiliar. Even going to work is preferable sometimes.

So sorry for your loss. It’s so soon, please take care.

I'm so sorry you've lost your lovely mum.

I lost my beautiful Mum a year ago September. She too was young looking for her age, she was 74 but had only given up work during covid lockdown & really missed it.

She had cancer and died within 6 months;
I was with her when she passed and unfortunately the nurses didn't manage to get her a syringe driver in time to make her comfortable as her passing was quite sudden, and my sister and me were very traumatised.
She was like a best friend as well as my Mum and I can't explain how badly I miss her.

One thing that I recommend that is slowly helping me, is counselling through MacMillan Family Support. I contacted them some time after my mums death and they were happy to help. So I'm having at least 12 hour long telephone counselling sessions. You really can talk about anything as they've heard it all.
Also I've found comfort in making photo books and getting a memory box sorted.
Me & my sister still can't deal with mums ashes so we've put them away.

The truth about grieving for a very close person is that you never do 'get over it', and the various anniversaries are hard.

But the raw physical pain is now very slightly less. I'm learning to live with the grief as part of me and I feel it has changed me in some ways.

I recommend also looking at the Cruse website as they talk about the stages of grief which everyone experiences differently & in varying order.
My counsellor actually says it can take up to a year for the brain to accept the loved one has gone and to get through the acute stage of grief.
You only lost your mum a relatively short time ago. Until recently I just wanted my Mum back too. A bit like you. And even now I keep thinking. I'll just phone Mum.. but I can't. It's so awful.

I am sorry for your loss @Justanotherusername27 . It is clear from your post what a wonderful woman your mother was, and what she added to the lives of those around her. 💐