What to talk about when visiting a close relative in palliative care

[Winterwillow24]

My stepmum is in a hospice on palliative care, she has cancer, she’s had 5 different cancers and treatments over about 30 years. I feel so sorry that her life has been such a slog. We are close enough but not awfully close. I’ve visited her once, and obviously am going to go again as much as possible. I don’t know what to talk about. I definitely don’t want to talk about me. It’s hard to talk about her. She doesn’t want to hear about general life, she’s quite down and depressed and I would be too. She doesn’t want anything brought in for her. I tried to arrange a little pamper for her, nails etc, but my relative took over and I don't know if it went ahead or not.
thanks

When my DGM was in palliative care, I held her hand, read from a book, talked about my kids, some non controversial news story, listened to classical music, chatted a bit about other relatives. She couldn’t talk much in the later stages so I think providing comfort, and being there is already a lot. Anything you want to ask her? Any stories about your DF?

so difficult for you both @Winterwillow24

@HaveYouSeenRain offers very lovely, personal ideas

this site could also provide you with some suggestions?

www.cancervic.org.au/get-support/facing-end-of-life/caring-for-someone-nearing-the-end-of-life

Thank you for these. We are quite a reserved family, not really been very close especially. However, I must learn to be more open and let go a bit and do the things that you have kindly suggested. I find my mind goes a bit blank when I am there. But I guess I could write these ideas down and take the list in with me.

This is good advice. I went to visit my friend in the hospice and realised this time was probably the last. There were staff there doing stuff to her tubes at the same time. I held her hand and we talked about a book on her side table. It was the last time I saw her.

Would she be up to you reading to her? Maybe a short story? I used to do this when my aunt was in palliative care.

Just light convo about what friends and family have been doing, but not making it sound either to exciting or depressing, kind of neutral. Maybe do puzzles or crosswords with her? Listen to music? Read to her from the paper, or a book she likes? I used to massage my aunts hands and arms with cream which she seemed to like, even when she wasn't fully conscious.

Also, sometimes when people are reaching the end of their lives they like to talk about the past. So maybe a happy memory she had, like her wedding day? When her kids were born? You could ask gentle questions about that type of thing. Show photos, maybe bring some old ones in of her and her family when they were young?

It’s not easy knowing what to say and sometimes it helps to acknowledge that out loud.

Could you watch a film or series or whatever she likes? It might take the pressure off trying to find something to talk about and you might find it will come more naturally. Does she have to stay in bed or can she still get around, in a wheelchair maybe?

Reminisce some happy times then talk about those people . "What a great baker aunty Lil was she used to bake. the best apple pies" etc

Can you take an old photo album of you with her as a family ? look through it together 'remember this' and laugh about silly things from the past.

Yes I had a realisation that a lot of family history would die with my dad if I didn't ask him. I asked questions about his childhood/teenage years etc. obviously I'd have stopped if he was upset but he seemed to quite like talking about it.

I found it difficult to talk to my own mum when she was terminally ill, and we were very close. Then one day she started talking about her childhood memories. I sat and wrote them down and later typed them up as she had loads of very old photos too so it’s all in a family album I treasure.

I would very much let her lead. Or just ask her general things like is there anything you can do to make her more comfortable etc.?

actually re the photo album, take a pen and ask her who these people are and write on the back as once she's gone it will be lost information.

We did lots of crossword puzzles. Reading out titbits from newspapers. Honestly, whatever you do it's awful and awkward and stilted.

@ohfook that's really nice. Yeah, often nice memories of the past seem to be comforting in those circumstances. Though of course everyone's different. My aunt sadly forgot a lot of stuff as she had brain cancer, so we would remind her and describe her son's wedding, for example.