Advice

[Mum2be0523]

Hi everyone,

im wondering if anyone has gone through a similar situation to please tell me what im feeling is normal.

im currently experiencing severe grief after sadly loosing my devoted partner to a cruel and horrible illness. Several traumatic events along the way whilst all the while I had to put on a brave and positive face for him the whole time acting as though everything was fine and going to be ok. I had to hold the fort the whole time, ignoring my own emotions, running on total autopilot and on top of that bring Mum to a baby.

my world cane crashing down when he passed away, the saying of part of me is missing is so beyond true and until you experience this there is not a feeling quite like it.

what I wasn’t prepared for though is the absolute mammoth and complete rollercoaster of emotions that grief brings. I think I have felt every emotion.

more recently I note that I am extremely stressed, I have no patience at all, im snappy and pissed off with the world which I think is totally understandable.

Now the complicated thing and what I could completely go out of my mind with is my lack of tears. I didnt even cry in the funeral; I think part of this was to do with the fact of the pressure on me and everyone looking at me, the whole upstairs was sat looking down upon me and then I got home and cried the rain for not being able to cry in the funeral. I feel terrible but my tears will not flow and if im honest I very much still feel that emotional numbness, emptiness and just nothing. I have people visit me or bump into someone and they are in floods of tears to me and I can quite literally feel my mind freeze and not a single tear will come out. Just last week his relative visited me and was sobbing and we was talking about him which was highly highly emotional, she began crying and again my mind just shuts Down and not a single tear will come out even when im almost begging myself to cry. Can I tell you how absolutely mortifying this feels and also the horrific guilt of a lack of crying its awful. I do notice when im finally done being mum at 10pm i get into bed and eventually my tears will flow but basically nothing throughout the day and certainly not too anyone and I honestly don’t get it. I feel on times that im not grieving the way I expected to be grieving but I think that is down to most things being supressed, having to time due to my child and I also think my brain has gone into protection mode. I feel some days am I even grieving at all as I can feel literally nothing.

iv got to deal with Christmas which I cant even begin to comprehend it. And then im thinking im going to be faced with a family full of people crying and I just know im physically not going to be able to cry and can you just imagine one how that must feel but also how again absolutely beyond mortifying and what people will even think when they are sobbing and im nkt even shedding a tear. Its just absolutely not normal and I don’t know what I can do about it.

anyway all these feelings are absolutely horrendous and is causing me so much termoil on top of everything that im already feeling. I feel as though everything has been so traumatic perhaps my brain has shut its self down to protect .

any advice is really appreciated

I am really sorry for the loss of your partner, so sorry it sounds utterly heartbreaking. I have just lost my Mum and I am feeling the same, although I imagine losing a partner is even worse ☹️

I too have cried but like you say it's like I can't let a lot of it out? I have young kids too and I think part of it is trying to be so happy and positive for them that you don't have time to sit and let your emotions out. I really need to sob uncontrollably like you know the kind where you can't breathe as you're crying so much? I know that sounds really over the top but that's what I feel like I need to do as well but it just won't come.

If you feel judged or feel like you are not grieving properly then I would say don't worry about that, you are going through the toughest thing in the world and trying to raise a child at the same time. There is no wrong or right way to grieve. I do hope you will be okay x

Thank you so much for your response. Im so sorry for your loss also, its truly truly heartbreaking and I too am sorry that you experience these emotions as I know how awful it feels.
I totally feel the same I want nothing more than to experience the hyperventilating crying and know that I really need this but for some reason its not happening.
thats so true I think i need to strop trying to conform to how society makes us feel we need to act.

Definitely do not worry and do not punish yourself if you are not acting a certain way. None of it makes any sense really.

As well if you've had to be strong for your partner for so long it might be that your brain is still in that mode of not wanting to break down as everything will fall apart. That's what I felt like with Mum and now my brain is still probably processing everything! It's all a massive headf*ck!

Everybody's grief is very personal op. You know the depth of your grief, everybody who knows and loves you know the depth of your grief. A lack of visible tears isn't going to change that. It absolutely IS normal for some people to only cry in private. You say you had to spend a great deal of time putting on a front and running on auto pilot, I would bet money that emotionally you are still doing that, even though it's now not intentional. You're doing what you have to do to get through the day, it's only at night that your guards drop and the grief descends. I hope you're having some counselling and I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't know how long it's been but it sounds recent. I'd be prepared to at some point start to feel extreme anger, the irritability could be a forerunner of that. And that anger will often be aimed at life, the universe, and even your beloved partner. Just know that that too is not unusual. There is no 'right' way to grieve x

My adult dc took their own.life 3 weeks ago and we haven't had the funeral yet. I was catatonic for 3 days and felt so physically unwell I knew I had to get out of that state.
I'm finding exercise is helping massively and being outside as much as possible. I am feeling incredibly angry and snappy this weekend.
I cry sporadically but not for long as I did week one. There are also other major upheavals going on and I know I have to get through the next 6 weeks.
Luckily I have a wonderful dh and friends who know that I don't want "are you ok hon" or " they are flying high"
But it's all shit isn't it.
Much love to you.