Anticipated bereavement

[mistymirror]

I wasn't sure whether to post on this thread or the cancer one.
My Mum is still alive but sadly dying. She is only 68 and until this year has always been so healthy and full of life and energy. Now she has stage 4 oesophageal cancer (diagnosed in July) and is changing everyday. She's getting weaker, her personality is changing and she's on morphine for pain relief. I had a thought today 'I can't wait until all of this is over' and then I realised it won't be over until she's dead and I don't want her to die. But I also don't want her to suffer. So I feel so torn. I'm dreading the day she isn't here anymore but I also know the Mum I have now sadly isn't my Mum anymore. It's just heartbreaking and I'm struggling so much to come to terms with it all.
Any advice or solidarity would be good to hear I think. Thanks for reading.

oh @mistymirror that's a horrible situation to be in. I have been there. It's horrible and you will be in shock afterwards for several months but you will survive - I know it doesn't seem like you will, but you will. Shock is your body's way of facilitating that survival during the early stages.

If she's on morphine ( does she have a morphine pump? if not discuss with the drs) she won't be in pain. She will almost certainly be able to hear you so hold her hand and tell her you love her and anything else you want her to know.

Remember that if you are with her when she actually dies, that is a really special and sacred moment that few people witness so don't forget to 'be in the moment'. Whatever your beliefs totally focus on her whether you feel anything, open your mind as to whether you sense a change or a soul or a message. I found it helped get me through that moment.

Also if you aren't there don't worry as many people 'choose' their moment and will die when their child isn't there to spare them the pain.

If you are there, don't feel you need to rush away if you want to sit with her for a while - it's a one time life moment of huge significance, so youre more likely to regret hurrying off than sitting with your feelings.

another thing is that in this situation the process to death can be longer than you thing - I was expecting hours but it can be days. The desire to stay there 24/7 is strong but remember that you need to eat,sleep and shower. You need to survive and if you want to be able to be with your mother and support her at her moment of passing you need to be in a fit state to do that - so don't do what I did and just not leave for 72 hours and be crawling with exhaustation before taking a break for yourself.

@mistymirror no words just hugs x please remember to take care of yourself, and I hope your mum is not in too much pain. She might not respond but she can still hear you X sending hugs x

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is so hard. My Mum passed at the weekend and she was 69. I have been expecting it but wasn't sure what day or even what year it would happen as it was not clear. I wasn't in the room sadly when she passed but I have since read that it's quite common for them to go on their own.

You are doing everything you can and it's so much to process whilst trying to look after yourself at the same time. You will be hurting when it happens but you WILL get through it one day at a time xx

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. I'm still in disbelief that this is even happening to her/me and my family. It's heartbreaking and I really do hope that one day I will be ok again and live a happy life like I know she would want me to. I will just miss her so much. The thought of the rest of my life without her in it makes me so scared and also angry. I'm only 31 and shouldn't have to lose her so soon.

Oh @mistymirror I am so sorry.

It's awful when you realise that it being over means they will be gone. My sister died of cervical cancer in May 2022 so I feel your pain.

All I can day is be kind to yourself. Don't berate yourself for wishing it to be over, it's a natural response!!

Sending hand holds.
💐

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@mistymirror I'm so sorry for your situation, I'm in a similar one myself.

My DM was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the middle of August and in the middle of September was told it had spread to her bowel causing a blockage which will ultimately become complete and she won't survive.

She's just spent two weeks in a hospice, as they thought the blockage was complete, but they managed to organise her medications and ease the pain.

She was discharged back home on Tuesday, with a district nurse once a day, and one carer a day.

The rest of her care is falling to me and her husband.

While she's still functioning at the moment, she needs to be much more sick until they'll re-admit her into the hospice.

They're both struggling to sleep, her quality of life is poor, and she really just wants it all to be over (although is conflicted by the fact that she was a fit and healthy 74 year old just a few months ago, who was helping to raise our children who live very nearby and she sees everyday, and she desperately doesn't want to leave them).

It's so terrible, the anticipatory grief is so difficult to manage while also trying to be functional - helpful to my parents, able to work and raise my children through their own grief too.

It's a lot.

Hello.
I'm very sorry for your situation. I'm in the same situation. Im 37, my lovely mother has been diagnosed with end stage bowel cancer at the end of August this year with no prior symptoms and prognosis of months. I'm struggling to eat, sleep and shower however it is important! I feel very disassociated from everything. You're not alone.

Currently going through this with my dad, who has stage 4 oesophagus cancer. We thought we were going to lose him a few weeks ago, but he managed to pull through with TLC. However, we realised he wasn't ever going to be really better and that hit me hard. I'm dreading the future and what's to come, I constantly feel anxious and just hyper vigilant expecting the worse. It's exhausting, I got from wishing it was all over and wanting my life back tto thinking how my life will be without him. My feelings are all over the place, one minute he is driving me crazy and the next I can't help but feel heart broken seeing this man who has suddenly aged and become fragile. Caring for my dad, seeing him vulnerable and experiencing his own grief and feelings as well as managing my own has been one the hardest things ever.

I am so sorry. Been there, too. It’s a horrible & scary realisation. They will make your mum as comfortable as possible. You might cope by feeling dissociated. That’s ok, too, and it will pass in time. Look after yourself. It is an exhausting time. 💐

I really feel for you. I spent today at the bedside of my dad who was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumour in February. He has gone downhill very very quickly He was very sleepy today and I don’t think he even knew I was there. He has stopped eating and drinking and the nurses have said he is now in the “final stages’. Thankfully, he is peaceful, but it is incredibly hard to seeing him a shadow of himself. We don’t want him to go obviously, but at the same time we want it to be over for him. Sending you and your family the best.