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Bereavement

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Don't know what to do

11 replies

unrsnblyannoyd · 15/10/2024 05:53

My lovely dad is dying. 80% of the time he's sleeping, 15% of the time he's awake, lucid, knows that he's dying and is terrified. 5% if the time he's somewhere between the two. 12 hours ago he said to me I think me and you can beat this together. This morning he's asking why my Mum isn't taking him (she did 25 years ago). I'm a fully grown 40 year old woman and I'm terrified of living life without my Dad. I'm not ready. I don't know what to do, how to manage on my own. I'm so frightened. He's at home with me. Everyone says if you need something call us. I called the nurses yesterday for his pressure areas. They were short staffed. Nobody came. The worst thing was being made to feel like I was being a nuisance. The nurse I spoke to just kept saying, oh I don't know what to do really, we don't have enough staff to offer you a visit do you think he can wait until tomorrow? No. No I don't. That's why I called. You promised you'd be there and when I needed you, you weren't. You said you might not have the dressings in stock. Well you might not have, but now it's going to be another day to wait for them. He's a 98 year old man, a WW2 veteran, our family have worked in and with the NHS for almost 60 years between my siblings, my Mum, and me. I promised him I'd look after him and I can't do that alone. He doesn't want to be anywhere else and tbh even if he did he wouldn't survive a journey. His carers are so poorly trained I can't leave them to manage him. When I do he ends up with his groins red raw from not washing/drying properly or they try to give him a sweet when he's laid down flat. Everyone said they'd be there. But the reality is there's nobody. I'm so sorry for baring my soul here, you are all going through your own grief, you don't need mine too. I just don't have anyone else I can talk to like this.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 15/10/2024 06:26

I’m so sorry that you have been dealing with this without the support you and your lovely dad deserve:
I wonder if there are any other organisations that would be supportive, perhaps someone like MacMillan or Age Concern?
You know you are doing your absolute best to support your dad and allow him to end his days with love and care, and you know that he appreciates that 💐

Bestyearever2024 · 15/10/2024 06:32

Do you have money to pay for private carers?

DrRiverSong · 15/10/2024 06:33

I am so sorry your dad is so unwell and it’s all falling in you. This stuff is so so hard. Please do try contacting some charities for support as @marriednotdead suggested. Sue Ryder is a charity that supports with end of life care, maybe also consider contacting them?

Sending you strength and love.

whiskeyarmadillo · 15/10/2024 06:36

I'm so so sorry. Have you got a local hospice? Could they help?

Bestyearever2024 · 15/10/2024 06:51

whiskeyarmadillo · 15/10/2024 06:36

I'm so so sorry. Have you got a local hospice? Could they help?

That's an excellent idea. The Hospice Nurses helped with Dad (free service)

We also paid for private care (nurses and carers) who were wonderful 🥰

Sending you and your Dad love ❤️

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 15/10/2024 07:11

I'm so sorry OP. When someone reaches this stage it's pretty much impossible for one untrained person to be their sole carer.

Is the palliative care team involved at all? They may be based at the hospice but they can provide an at home service. In my experience they are the best people to help with support for both you and your dad. Perhaps you could ring either your GP or the hospice and say you need an urgent referral to the palliative care team?

You could also ask on nextdoor or similar about carers with experience of this stage. I was very surprised to find someone local, affordable, highly experienced and competent this way. He came in for two hours a day for what turned out to be the last two weeks of DH's life and he was an absolute blessing to both of us.

Sending love and strength.

KylieKangaroo · 15/10/2024 09:02

I'm so sorry OP that you are going through this. I bet your Dad is so grateful to have you there and it must be providing him with great comfort that he needs at this time. I hope you get some help and support soon xx

autumnleavesrcoming · 15/10/2024 09:43

Sending you love and strength. I'm sorry the support feels so inadequate. My dad died a few weeks ago.
At least you will be able to look back and say you were there for him and you did everything you could. It's so intense though.

Hope other peoples practical suggestions are helpful

Xxx

autumnleavesrcoming · 15/10/2024 09:47

Also have you seen the various hospice nurses on social media? Recommended on other threads on here maybe in the elderly parents boards. I particularly found Katie Duncan on insta helpful/reassuring

mumof2many1943 · 15/10/2024 12:30

I am so sorry you are dealing with this alone. When DH died I too dealt with this on my own, palliative care nonexistent. I was caring for our 4 children (adults) with special needs. In desperation I at DH’s request rang 999, they sent an ambulance and he died in hospital the next day but with good pain relief! Very sad but in hindsight necessary. Take care of yourself and best wishes. Don’t ever feel guilty you have done your best.

ApocalypseNowt · 15/10/2024 13:06

If he's ex military you could try the Royal British Legion?

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