I'm not speaking to my family AITA

[Rhe07]

I had a TFMR last year and have since had a miscarriage. My brother is now expecting a second baby and I resent how easily him and his wife have conceived. My family don't understand this and seem to think I'm not dealing with my mental health. They advise me to get help but don't say what! I went to a family event and saw my brother and SIL for the first time since they told me about the pregnancy. They didn't tell me until they were around 14 weeks and said they hadn't wanted to tell anyone earlier in case anything was wrong. I wasn't sure how I'd deal with it so I did go but I did ignore my brother and SIL and had an argument with my mum. She didn't ask how I felt about the situation and I feel my family aren't empathetic. I dont want to see them and they think I'm letting my 4 year old suffer as I won't let her see them either. Granted they were very close to her and my parents looked after her 2 days a week until she went to school. But I don't want to be around them and can't see a time when I'll be able to accept this.
Why can't they understand that I just can't feel joy for my brother I really don't think I'm in the wrong. They think I over reacted at the family gathering and said some things out of term but I think they just don't get it as they haven't been through a loss. They think i need help with my mental health but i think thats just them being assholes. Any suggestions? Am I right to cut them off like I am doing?

Yes. You are wrong. This has to be a reverse!

Sorry but hard as it is, you need to find a way to separate your grief from your relationship with your family.

YABU. I'm sorry for your loss, but it's not your brother and SIL's fault.

If you're struggling to be basic surface level polite to them, and can't see even your mum without an argument then yes I do think you should seek some help for your mental health. It's understandable that your MH might be bruised and fragile right now.

It is also understandable that they don't know what specific support to suggest to you for your mental health. I'd suggest having a look for miscarriage charities, and seeing if they have a list of recommended counsellors. Or search online for a counsellor that you think sounds like a good fit for you and book some sessions with them.

It's hard to have someone close pregnant when you've had your own loss. However, your family are not arseholes and it's not your brother's fault they managed to conceive quickly.

Maybe seek some counselling to deal with your own feelings. It is your MH that's an issue and you're making your child suffer too by not allowing her access to her grandparents and wider family.

Im sorry for your loss OP, but I think you are the unreasonable one.

.

I am sorry for your loss , i have had one too so have a good idea how you feel, but i think you were wrong to treat your brother and his partner like this .
For all you know she may have been through the same but kept it to herself , regardless she hasn't got pregnant to spite you.
I hope you get the baby you so want ,the odds are on your side that you will in the future , in the meantime i think i would apologise to my family if this were me otherwise you may have a permanent estrangement develop and its such a shame that your brothers innocent baby is deprived of a happy family with you part of it as a loving auntie.

I'm not sure I understand the voting going on the actual post responses.

I think you wrong to cut off your family.

Miscarriage is very sad but also very common. I am sorry for your loss but you really need to find it within your heart to let go of the resentment you feel as it will poison you and your relationships with your entire family.

Open your heart, for you and for them.

I am sorry for your loss

I lost three and understand how awful it feels to see other pregnancies when you want to have the same happiness too. But what you are doing is unfair to your family and to your child. Why shouldn't she have a relationship with your family? They haven't done anything wrong to warrant being cut off.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through but don’t push your family away.
Punishing them may make you feel better temporarily but it’s not the solution.
And yes you are making your 4 year old suffer and that’s really not fair is it?
Perhaps you should focus your attention on the dc you’ve got, not the one you dream of.

You have a four year old and won't let her speak to her own family??

It's borderline coercive control. Yes you're grieving but you're also behaving awfully.

Miscarriage is unfortunately quite commonplace and in the past women didn't even talk about it.

I'm sorry for your loss but you are being unreasonable. You brother deserves to be happy too. You can't expect everyone to stop their lives. I've been in a similar situation. Them having a baby is completely separate from your situation. I think you do need help with your mental health to cope with these difficult feelings. There's no shame in it. There is nothing anyone else can do but try to support you to move forward.

I'm sorry for your loss however your treatment of your family isn't okay and it's hugely unfair to keep your four year old away from family she loves and spent alot of time with. How would you feel if roles were reversed and your brothers wife had had a miscarriage and he was resentful of you and treating you and your family so badly for something none of you have control over.

Wait, what? You were nasty to them? Better you don’t go if you’re not ready to see people. Of course it makes you feel shit but they haven’t done anything wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss but you are being very very very unreasonable sorry. (And I've had several losses both before and after having my first child)

You have a child already and you are stopping the family seeing her I'm sorry is such a selfish thing to do.

I’m sorry for your loss and having had failed ivf, miscarriage and no baby I completely empathise with how hard it is to deal with other people’s pregnancies.

But, it’s not their fault they conceived easily, you need to separate the two things, sadly other people won’t stop having babies and they’re not doing this to spite you.

I think you should get some counselling to manage your grief, it’s a really difficult thing to come to terms with.

Also, gently, you do have a four year old, be happy for the child you have and try and focus on her as a positive. I’m not suggesting she replaces the baby you lost,but you do have her.

This is a reverse, isn't it? It has to be.

I'm sorry for your loss but yes you're out of line. Understandable that you're hurting, and understandable that you're struggling with your brother's news, but your response is completely out of line.

You need to be very careful as if you've said something hurtful about your brother's baby that will be very hard to come back from.

It does read as if you need help with your mental health, yes.

That's awful OP. In a similar situation a family member was really happy for their sibling who conceived and could separate with situations and look forward to welcoming a new niece/nephew. You're being entirely unreasonable, yes it's hard but not their fault they conceived easily.

I haven't had a miscarriage @Rhe07 but I really can empathise with your feelings. Your family and other posters on here may think you are being irrational, but just right now you really can't help how you are feeling and it's not for them to tell you you must behave differently.
You do not have mental health issues, you are grieving and they need to back off. You brother and SIL seem to understand and are giving you the space you need.
It's unfortunate timing and I think you should tell them that you will do whatever you think is right for you and for as long as you need to. There is no timeline for grief and how we deal with it.
You do need to think about your 4 year old though and make sure she still sees her wider family and keeps a connection even if this is without you for the time being.
Hope you can find some resolution @Rhe07.

Sorry for your loss. Been there. Tbh I never fully got over it. But I got counselling and it helped a lot.

You can't just ignore people who are pregnant or have kids for as long as it takes til you feel better.

It's not their fault. It's just the way it goes. Don't cut yourself off.

You're allowed to be sad for yourself at the save time as being happy for them.

You would defo benefit from counselling. I did.

They think I over reacted at the family gathering and said some things out of term but I think they just don't get it as they haven't been through a loss what did you say?

You do not have mental health issues, you are grieving and they need to back off.

Grief is a normal and healthy thing to experience, if awful, and is usually just something we need to work through. Sometimes however, the grief isn't healthy at all and the person does need some help with their mental health. In this case, OP is saying mean things about a pregnancy and keeping her DC from her grandparents. That's not a healthy version of grief.

I get you OP, it’s ok to be sad and annoyed at the world. My family didn’t understand my TFMR and miscarriages either.

i had a falling out when a pregnancy was announced but because I was told I had to be happy for them and tell them i was ok with them being pregnant within 12hours of being told the news.

I have however experienced other pregnancies and once I have had a few days or a week to process I’m normally ok. I just need a bit of time to cry.

OP I would look into counselling it really did help, speaking to the charity ARC.

OP, I am so sorry for your losses.

The anger is palpable in your post, and I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I think anger is also a stage of the grieving process isn't it? I would say it comes across as though your anger is misdirected at your family though. Your situation and theirs are completely unrelated objectively speaking. I think it is understandable that you don't want to talk to your pregnant relative, but in the interest of preserving future relationships, it would be a good idea to let them know that you cannot currently see them, because it is too painful for you, but that you have no issue with them as people.

Regarding the other family: I think they might be unsure what to say. If you are very angry they might feel somewhat intimidated and feel it is wiser not to say anything, for fear of triggering worse comments. I agree with a PP that counselling might be helpful, even if grieving is normal and not a MH problem. Could it be that your relatives are just expressing themselves badly/ awkwardly, and mean you need support (correct, because you are grieving) but say you have MH issues (which would require support too, but is incorrect)?

I hate to say it, but not letting your 4yo see her grandparents is spiteful, all the more so because they have a close bond (and must have saved you an absolute fortune in childcare bills!)

You can't lash out and punish those nearest to you because you are hurting over something that is entirely unrelated to them. It is not a healthy or mature way of dealing with your emotions. I am sorry if that sounds harsh.

I also want to acknowledge that it is entirely possible for your parents to not be supporting you through your grief appropriately, in addition to all of the above. That is a different issue though.