How to get over the guilt of not spending time with parent before they died?

[Fieldoflemons]

My father has just passed away. We had a difficult relationship. When I was a kid, he was angry all the time, acted like he hated me and would occasionally slap me. Because of this I've always had a hard time trusting men and have not been able to form a lasting romantic relationship. I blamed him for destroying my self-esteem. As he got older he mellowed and did try to be nice to me in his own way but we never had much to say to each other or there'd be some miscommunication and we'd end up annoyed with each other. After one big argument, I decided I didn't want to put up him with it anymore and started to distance myself for my own sanity. I hardly ever called him and only saw him a few times a year. Now that he's gone I'm consumed with regret and feel like I should have been more patient with him. I feel sad that I left him on his own (although I do have siblings). Does anyone have a similar experience? How did you come to terms with the guilt and regret?

I'm really sorry for your loss, what a mix of emotions. I think in time you will see this for what it is, a difficult situation where you did the best you could x

I can really recommend counselling. It might help you pick through your difficult childhood with physical abuse, and the guilt you feel now having tried to protect yourself.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I had a strange relationship with my dad too, I saw much less of him as I got older, similar reasons, fed up with his ways and a lot of bad feelings from childhood.
Because my DBro felt very similar, we had each other to discuss with and honestly, we took steps back for good reason, as it sounds you had done too. You saw him, just limited because otherwise he'd be causing you issues you don't need or want to your MH.
Seek counselling, one group are called CRUSE, I didn't get much from them TBH but had my brother and vice versa, they did however tell me
To write a letter to my dad to explain / get things out that I needed to say, but now couldn't, and I feel that did have a bit of an effect to help me find closure. This is 14 years later and feel
More at peace
Good luck, think of yourself, and find that inner peace so you can move on

What you’re feeling is the loss, as much for the relationship you wish you’d had as for the relationship you did have. You did what you had to do at the time.

I was my dad's carer, so with him every day for three years, and 24/7 for the last three weeks of his life.
I feel guilty. I feel regret. I couldn't do more, couldn't make things right for him or between us.
What I realised in the last week of his life was that he still didn't give a damn about me. The relationship one would want with a father never happened, not even when I was all he had.

Have some therapy and let yourself move on. As my dd says, 'You can't fix your parents!'

Hey @StopStartStop. You cared for your dad for 3 years - there's no need to feel guilt but I understand it's a natural reaction.

I was with my dad too when he was in hospital and never left his side but he was unconscious so I have no idea if he knew I was actually there. I'm so sad that he might have felt I abandoned him and didn't care about him.

I don't have any advice OP but I feel your pain, being in a similar situation.
I hear counselling helps so that's where I'm heading, sending hugs x

Thanks, @Toomuch2019. It's awful isn't it? His death made me realise there was a lot of love there, which then makes me think maybe I could have been more patient with him instead of gradually distancing myself...

It's natural to feel full of "what ifs" when someone dies, but I don't think you deserve to torment yourself. It sounds like you have him as much patience and as many chances as it was possible and only distanced yourself as a last resort.

You wouldn't have distanced yourself if he gave you any other choice. It's not your fault he couldn't be the dad you needed.

I think you're grieving the relationship you could and should have had with your dad if his behaviour had been different. It doesn't sound like that would ever have been possible no matter how hard you tried or how much you tolerated.

When those memories are playing through your mind, try and hold onto the loving memories like gold dust and allow the sad painful memories to slowly drain away.

Please try not to torment yourself 💐