Supporting a friend overseas following death of their 13 year old daughter

[needtomovesomewherewarmer]

I’m British but live overseas having moved 6 years ago. When we moved, we quickly met another family who had also relocated with similar aged kids. We had a strong bond in a very unfamiliar foreign place during that time. They moved back to their home country a year ago and we all stayed in touch. She and I and her kids and my kids. Her and my daughter in particular were close. She was older, like a fun big sister.

Then, suddenly and unexpectedly the 13 year old daughter passed away. Just like that. In a moment.

It’s taken me weeks to crawl out of my own devastation and all I want to do is be there for her, hug her and take away her pain. Non of which i can do. We are now oceans apart.

I’m looking for advice, from those who have lost someone, maybe a child. It’s only been a month, so I’m conscious to not overwhelm her. I’ve sent her a couple of messages, when it happened, on the day of her service, a week later because my kids made and something in her memory and wanted to show we were keeping her memory alive. And recently on the her daughters birthday.

So far its been brief. Something meaningful and caring.

I want her to know that i am here always. Thinking of her, grieving for them both and holding her. I want her to know if she needs me i am here. But i am afraid. I know she lives in a big community. People who live close by also love her. I don’t want to overwhelm her. I am also afraid to just talk to her now. Like a friend. To just say hi. Like somehow if i do, I’m forgetting.

So please help me navigate this path with my friend from afar. How do i hold and support her. And how do i know when its the right time to just talk. Even if its one way. Might she appreciate no news messages, that are not always ‘I’m so sorry, we love you’, or maybe they would be insensitive?

Drowning in confusion. Please be kind.

My daughter died recently, though it was not sudden. Many people have sent supportive messages, for which we have been grateful, The only thing you can do is keep channels open and remember that it is not about you, and you will not be judged.

There are a handful of people whose response is to go dead because they don’t know how to react. You are clearly not one of those people, and your response was kind and thoughtful.

Give her some space after your contact. If you don’t hear for a couple of months, reach out again, without a question.

WanOvaryKenobi I definitely don’t feel like its about me… although I appreciate the ‘I want’ statements come across that way. But I don’t say I want for me, I say I want for her and them. I’m here to look for help to know how I CAN be there for them. I not saying I want my friend back. I am asking how i can be the best friend for her. I don’t want to be that friend that hides until its not awkward. I just want to learn how to navigate the akward

@WanOvaryKenobi, don't think we are reading the same post. While OP acknowledged her own grief she states she has been in touch multiple times and done something in memory with her own children from overseas.

I'm lucky I've only been on the outside of this and its harder when youre overseas. Very tricky to know exactly as depends on your relationship but for a close friend going through a sudden, unexpected bereavement, I did the following and they said it was good.

I'd lay it out. I love you, im here for you in whatever capacity you need even if thats something you don't know yet. Ill be sending messages weekly just to check in, I'm not expecting replies its just me keeping my hand out, Im hear for talking and not talking. If the messages become too much just say that, I want to protect your space.

Then keep your word on that. I also sent takeaway menus and gift cards in an envelope that said just eat and smelly bath stuff in a box saying just shower but again that was because we had that relationship.

However, it is super hard. First friend I knew who lost someone dear I was young and did the thing of not knowing what to do and doing nothing. I try to do better but its hard.

Thank you DadJoke. I am truly sorry your loss.

thank you for your reply. Hearing its ok to give her space is helpful. I am so worried and sad for her I don’t want her to feel forgotten or that her daughter didn’t mater. So i suppose I might be over compensating for that.

I am definitely trying to message without question. To only show love and care.

Thank you

Thank you. This was might thinking actually. To write and say basically that exact same thing. I’m here for you, whatever you need anytime. And that I am going writing and talking and please don’t reply. Just give me a thumbs down if its too much. Or some such thing. But, I guess I still feel cautious. I guess to hear to do that is ok is what I’m looking for.

I'm sorry, this sounds awful.

How often would you normally have messaged her?

I would focus on remembering the special dates (not just this year but every year) that may be even more difficult and just sending normal-ish light messages every so often so she can respond if she wants.

If she doesn't want to respond, she won't. She can ignore you. I think it would just add pressure sending a message explaining yourself and asking for thumbs up/down or telling her not to reply (what if she wants to) etc. But that's me.

The worst thing you can do is ignore her. When you say It’s taken me weeks to crawl out of my own devastation do you mean you have not contacted her at all? She needs friends. Even if she ignores all messages. I remember going through a bereavement and those who metaphorically shit their curtains ‘until they felt comfortable’ devastated me.