DF has months left - how to cope

[RedxRobin]

My wonderful DF has had cancer for a couple of years now. It started as bowel which was already Stage 4 and in his liver at diagnosis. We have now been told that it has spread too much and there is nothing more that can be done and they think he only has 3 months left.
I don't know how to deal with this information. I go and visit every week to spend time with him and am trying to make the best of the time left but find it hard to fathom that time is running out.
I have a full time job and young children and am struggling to concentrate on work and DH and the children when all I can think about is that my DF will probably not be alive by Christmas.
How do people cope with this?

You cope because you have to. Also, make as many practical arrangements as you can in advance (do you know his wishes, for example?), because it really will help you at a later stage.

This is a tough one, OP. There's no right way. I would be led by him- what does he want to do, how does he want to spend this time? Some people pull in or are too ill to do things, others are still up and about til very late on. Don't be frightened of him, I know this sounds silly, but often people are scared to be around dying people, but they are just people, as we will all be at one time, at the end of their lives. Think about what he likes, what he wants, he might want to talk things through, he may want to ignore it all, by being led by him it will help you overcome that feeling of how you need to be.

Put in place your own support system, so husband, friends, work counselling, therapy, somewhere you can put your own thoughts and frustrations and worries and sadness so that you aren't carrying it all into the interactions with him. Extra help with the kids so you have some time to focus on this.

It's a hard time, OP, but you will get through this.

Take it day by day. Don't think ahead too much, i think that is scary. And you can't change this. Be kind to yourself.

I think there are pros and cons knowing there's a time limit. Your father can get things in order, tell you what they thinknyou need to know.. You can ensure you say what you want. Yet there's this feeling of grieving when still alive.

When my DF died from cancer there was almost a relief with our grief. It was so intense in the final week, we could see his body failing, the pain, we knew he wanted to end this stage of his stage.
And there were beautiful moments. Whilst he slept, my siblings and I would be holding his hand chatting, laughing, teasing each other, remembering things and supporting each other. That was precious because we aren't close (location or emotionally). I think Dad could hear us as he'd occasionally squeeze our hands when we were chatting.

My df died a few years ago and I take great comfort knowing that, because we had time, nothing was left unsaid. I told him i loved him and that i was grateful for what he'd done for me. By the end he was peaceful . I could tell him I'd look after the house and he could go now.
If that's difficult, consider a letter.

Can work give you some time off to spend with him or take compassionate leave now?

Hugs OP. Its hard x

Thank you. Work are being great - I take a morning off every week to spend with him. He's using the time to make sure he has everything in order and has lists of things to organise and sort which is great.
My problem is that I find it very difficult to deal with this no man's land period. You know there is no hope for him and he's not getting better and it feels like you are just waiting for the worst to happen. I'm finding it very hard not to dwell on it as I feel like my mind is consumed by thoughts of the inevitable. I'm trying very hard to distract myself with other things but I just find it very difficult.

We’ve just been through this with my FIL and it’s bloody hard.

The main things my wife regrets the most are silly things like not asking how to take our bathroom tap off (FIL always did our plumbing bits for us) and what the plants were in the back flower bed.

She spent lots of time with her dad talking about our plans for the future and what we’re going to do, to reassure him she’d be ok. It gave him a lot of comfort knowing that we had plans in place and were going to keep moving forwards and not get stuck in grief.

I’m sorry about your dad and I hope his last few months are as stress free as possible.

Have to take each week as it comes.

No easy way around it but the good thing is you have an arrangement to see him regularly so you will likely get to the end feeling like you have said everything you needed to. Just try to enjoy the times you spend together & do things you like, rather than fretting about what's to come. Much easier said than done.

It's so sad but truly we do all have to go eventually and it's good to have an opportunity to spend your last months able to be in the company of loved ones as much as possible

The thing I found most difficult though is that friends colleagues etc offer compassion and sympathy but they find it hard to maintain over months. So be prepared for that some will surprise you both good and bad!