How to support a grieving teenager

[EagerDreamer]

My 13 year-old son has lost a school friend to a fatal illness. They've known each other since the start of Reception. I'm devastated for the family and feel I should be focussed on them, but I'm also struggling with how to support my son. He's all over the place and has missed quite a bit of school. DH is saying we need to get him back into a routine. Funeral is coming up... I feel I should be coping better with this and have more capacity to support the family who are actually bereaved. But this has hit really hard. A lot of the time he looks fine. He's chatting away to friends on the PS5 just now. But suddenly it will hit him and he just doesn't know what to do with himself. I'm starting to realise that he feels very alone in his grief at school. Sometimes he feels he shouldn't be so upset as he's 'just' a friend. School is offering counselling and emotional support, but he can't quite accept that lessons are continuing and homework is being set when something so earth-shattering has happened. Would just like to know if anyone has been through anything similar?

the DH is right
He needs to be back at school and in a routine
there will be other children at school also grieving so he won’t be alone
but he needs to be back at school. Tomorrow

That sounds very tough OP. It sounds like they were close friends and a very recent bereavement - I wouldn't put pressure on him to be at school right now. As an adult I found those early days/weeks and feeling of injustice that the world continues, very difficult and it must be even more challenging for a teenager.

There's no right way to grieve - some people need to keep busy, some need time away from the world and others something completely different. And what's right today might not be right tomorrow.

I wouldn't put any pressure on him returning to school. But I would encourage him to go in - even if he needs to come home again. Talk to school about what support is available for him, lessons he can do at home and perhaps a phased/managed return.

My children had some counselling from Winston's Wish - I think they offer a different type of support for over 13s.

Routine is important, yes.
He also needs to have complete and utter confirmation that his grief is valid and relevant.

I lost my best friend in a road accident at the exact same age as your DS and his friend. I was just lumped into the school crowd of kids who were really upset and told to get on with it and "be good for Mrs Smith as she was her form tutor" type thing.

I felt sidelined and forgotten about and I don't think I've ever got over it. I've carried it with me forever.

While he needs routine, he absolutely needs it recognising that he's lost a lifelong friend. It is most certainly an adverse childhood event (named 'ACE') and should he need counselling, then does his school have a service he can access?

This sounds very hard for you all. I am supporting my DS through the loss of his Dad and I also want to recommend Winston's Wish as a source of advice and support (they support children and young people up to 25) Winston's Wish

I think routine is helpful and can provide a sense of stability. However, it has to be balanced with the opportunity to express and explore his feelings about the loss of his friend and the future he may have imagined/assumed they would be sharing. I hope you also have some emotional support from friends and family.

Thanks so much everyone. I think I had thought of Winston's Wish as relevant only for the loss of a parent or sibling, but of course so much of what they have to say will apply in this situation too, so thanks for that, Liminalstate.

And thanks for the phrase 'ACE', LittleEsme. Hadn't heard that before, but I looked it up and it is useful to have a definition to help break things down and also think longer term.

Essentially I really appreciate everyone's input and the opportunity this space gives me to think through what I'm doing and what is really going on. Because this isn't 'my' loss, I'd sort of been telling myself I shouldn't be feeling so bad myself. But taking a bit of time to work out all the various ways the sadness is hitting has helped. I'm tired, brain-fogged, a bit angry and quite often weepy and telling myself I shouldn't be reacting like this is making no difference.

DS has skipped off to school today. Yesterday, he was a puddle on the sofa. Tomorrow, who knows?

Parenting, eh?