Sibling problems

[NYcake]

My Dad had ill health for a few years and died 18 months ago. Whilst he was alive we tried our best to share the care responsibilities as he lived alone. We managed to try as much as possible to split things equally so no one took on too much.

Myself and siblings are all executors and beneficiaries of Dads small estate. He had a little property that has been on the market & sold s/c for months. Our buyer is being a complete d**k and has messed us around delaying tactics every step of the way. To the point we’re considering pulling out of the sale.

My issue is all other siblings aren’t interested in helping in dealing with any of the death admin & it’s all fallen to me. I’m constantly liaising with solicitors, estate agents etc and feeling completely frazzled and stressed plus frustrated about the whole situation, on top of grieving.

I work F/T, one sibling P/T the other retired.

I am really starting to resent the lack of help or interest from siblings. Retired DS keeps saying she can’t help as she wouldn’t have a clue (she’s digitally incompetent when it suits) and says she doesn’t understand how to do anything death admin related. She’s so much time on her hands being retired but won’t pull any weight to sort things and says she can’t make important decisions.

The resentment is building and I’m struggling to even be bothered to reply to messages if she gets in touch.

AIBU…. I just need to vent (before I explode) 😂

Do you all stand to benefit equally?
Are they demanding you maximise their share and pass comment on decisions?
is there a specific task they can each be delegated which has no wriggle room?
I’d make one in charge of keeping property maintained until sale goes through.
I’d try and get the other to deal with the Council Tax, insurance and electricity etc ,
leaving you just with the EA and solicitor .
It no fun. We sold DM’s house in August but all still not tied up so feel your pain.

All equal shares. No pressure from them but equally no support. Lots of weaponised incompetence such ‘I don’t know how to do that’ etc ‘oh I can’t understand paperwork, I’ve never sold a property’ type comments. As you say, it’s painful!

I ended up charging my dms estate for my time per hour spent on sadmin and house clearing/ sale. Helped me feel better.

Tell them how you feel before you explode. “I work full time and I’m feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility so I’d really appreciate it if you’d take on this task”. If they refuse to take on any of the load, you need to monetise your time. “I’m going to charge £20 for every solicitor phone call etc” and my fee will be deducted from the house sale before it’s split three ways.

That's really unfair when it stands to benefit you all equally.

I would make a list, divide the chores equally in terms of time/effort they take, and hand them over. Say you're struggling to cope and from now on, it's shared or it doesn't get done. Time to be assertive.

Maybe charge for the time you are soending on it.
£50 an hour. Or more.

I guess though,OP, £50 an hour would make it better but you’d much prefer them to automatically do their equal share.
Selective incompetence will disappear when it comes to researching the highest interest rates for their eventual cheque.
My golden balls brother helped for 48 hrs in a nine year marathon of renting out to pay care fees and then selling.
You can choose to cut your siblings off when the work is over.My DB hasn’t messaged since he got funds.

It does make things simpler if one person takes the lead: too many people doing overlapping tasks independently can cause chaos.

If your buyer wasn’t being difficult and this was going along smoothly, you’d be less stressed and consequently less resentful.

If you do decide to pull out of the sale, that could be your opportunity to say to them all, something like “I can’t cope with any more of this right now. I’m going to take a complete break from it for the next two months. If any of you want to step up, feel free.”

If the sale hadn’t dragged on since the beginning of the year I would feel less frustrated I guess. We’ve gone from what should have been a straightforward transaction to our buyer suddenly dropping out that he’s selling another property to part fund his deposit (that’s a whole other thread on estate agent/solicitor incompetence).

The completion date should have been early September- now we’ve had to threaten to pull out of this transaction. Our buyer is being a total arse… ignoring calls etc. it can’t carry on being delayed as it’s costing us money to have the property sitting empty.

I have decided once it’s eventually gone through that I am going to cover my time with financial compensation.

Bereavement and death admin is tough!

I am sorry. I had a similar situation after my father died, my mother died years before so the estate was left to myself and my sibling. I live hours away from my father’s house, my sibling within walking distance. They have refused to help in any way, even with funeral organisation. I do not think they understand quite how much work it has been. My father died unexpectedly so going through his house finding paperwork when I had no clue what to look for and live hours away has been very hard. We are now at the stage of waiting for probate to be granted. I haven’t yet faced going through his house to actually clear it.