Heartbroken

[Onelovemumma]

I'm so sorry I am writing on here, I don't really know what I expect from it but I just need to talk.

My Hero, my Dad killed himself on the 21st September.
He was such a beautiful, fun, loving kind hearted person and only 49 years old.
He left behind his wife my 3 sisters, 1 brother and I.

All younger than me, and needing me for support but I am broken.
My family is suffering.
My partner feels like he is being pushed away because I am just too hurt and feel like I need to be with my siblings. I live 119 miles away from my family and feel like I need to be there with them.
There are so many things left un answered.

He felt like he wasn't good enough for us and his wife.
I don't know how he could have ever thought this would be a better option, how could he leave us behind.

I have 4 beautiful children of my own and I am struggling to be there for anyone.
I am here but not really here if you know what I mean.

I feel lost and my heart is actually broken.
I never thought this would happen to us.

😞

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad 💐❤️❤️

I have no words of advice or comfort but I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Also, your partner needs to understand you're grieving instead of blaming you for things. I hope he comes for realise that as you don't need any add d stress right now x

I am very sorry. 💐

Your partner's job right now is to support you. This isn't about him.

Has anyone given you a copy of the Help is at Hand booklet yet? It was written to support people bereaved by suicide, practically and emotionally. You can read or download it here:

https://supportaftersuicide.org.uk/resource/help-is-at-hand/

Hi Thank you,
Yes I got given the booklet when I went to see him in the chapel of rest at the hospital.
It's has lots of great advice and info on the next steps.

Things are no easier, it's been 2 weeks and I am supposed to be going back to work tomorrow but I just don't feel ready.
I hate how I feel, I am rotting on the inside and can barely stay present for my children.
I own a hair salon and have clients booked in tomorrow and Tuesday but It feels too soon.

One client is from the day after I found out and had to go and be with family so cancelled my clients and she went off about the inconvenience to her and her daughter.
Her daughter is autistic and struggles with changes in routine so I totally understand but it's a bit of a big thing for me to be dealing with so I am feeling extra guilt at cancelling them again.

I just don't know what to do.

Don't feel guilty.

Two weeks is very early days still. If you don't feel able to go back and can afford to take more time, then give yourself more time. This is a huge thing for you and losing your dad is once in a lifetime - it doesn't make you unreliable to need time.

Decent people don't behave the way that client did. Please don't blame yourself for their behaviour.

I don't know if it's helpful to hear because my circumstances aren't yours, but I took more time off than you have when my dad died and it wasn't as traumatic as what you're dealing with. Some people take months off.