My sis is using alcohol to cope

[Geordiebabe85]

Hi
I hope it's OK to post this here.
My BIL died 3 months ago. My sister has got 2 sons (7 and 9) and since her DH died she's understandably struggling. But both me and my mum are becoming increasingly concerned about her drinking. She's started drinking a bottle of wine a night after the kids are in bed and sometimes vodka too.
My mum has tried to gently suggest she needs to cut down, it's not going to help etc but is just being met with "it's not a big deal, everyone does it, I'm not drunk".
I'm worried that if we push too hard she'll push us away and right now she needs us more than ever so I want to avoid that. But I also don't want to just sit back and watch and do nothing.
Has anyone got any advice of either how to tackle it or any other coping mechanisms that may help her.

Hi @Geordiebabe85

It sounds like she's been through a really tough time and is potentially using the alcohol to self medicate her feelings. Has she considered any sort of bereavement counselling?

I work in the drug and alcohol industry, specifically working with the persons family. It really is difficult to see your sister doing this, and I imagine you must feel really powerless.
Do you think she would consider any support with her drinking? She absolutely can try and wean herself off, but it would be recommended that she is supported by a professional

Thank you. She sees a bereavement counsellor weekly at the mo. I'm not sure if she's mentioned the drinking to her.
How would she go about accessing help? Would it be through her GP?

Hi,

Depending on the drug and alcohol service in your area, she may need a GP referral or she could possibly self refer (the case in my local area)

It is a problem and you're right to be concerned. My mum began drinking too much after my uncle died. To understate things somewhat, it didn't help.

Alcohol has a serious depressant effect – and I don't think that gets talked about enough. It's so bad for people who are already struggling. As your mum has said, it makes things even worse.

It can be very difficult to encourage people to seek help, but you and your mum are doing the right things. You're being gentle, you're cautious not to push her away. Keep communicating and stay calm. Maybe talking while walking or driving might be easier? Sometimes movement helps to loosen thoughts.

It's good that she has a bereavement counsellor, but she may not have mentioned the drinking. I believe she would be able to access local alcohol counselling services through her GP, but first she would need to want that for herself.

Mumsnet has an alcohol support board, and people are very kind and knowledgeable over there.

What practical support does she have around her to cope with the huge change in her and her sons' lives since her husband died?

Looking after bereaved children who've lost a parent is an enormous responsibility and so difficult, let alone when you're also grieving for your husband.

If she's drinking to numb her feelings of grief, trauma(?) and stress from how her life has changed, then you'll achieve more by supporting her with that then by pressuring her about her drinking. Address the root cause so that she doesn't feel the need to drink. The drinking is just a symptom of the actual problem.

Frankly 3 months after a bereavement of that nature many people are going to be using unhelpful coping strategies. I'm not sure that leaping straight to addiction services is going to achieve much.

I agree, it’s 3 months. I was a wreck for at least 18m and I’m not much better now at 2 years.

Sadly there is nothing you can do other than signpost support and help her with her day to day life.

Thank you everyone. Me and my mum are doing all we can with day to day help and my BIL's parents live local and they're doing stuff too but obviously they're grieving too.
It's difficult cos if we ask what she needs she says she's fine and if we just say, for example, I'll pick the kids up for you, she insists she can do it. It feels like she's trying to prove that she doesn't need anyone.
I'm going to try to chat to her this weekend and just say that we're a little concerned about her drinking and that if she needs / wants support, please ask.

Thanks, I hadnt thought of going for a walk but that may help

It's difficult cos if we ask what she needs she says she's fine and if we just say, for example, I'll pick the kids up for you, she insists she can do it.

This may sound very rude but are you offering help in the right way?

Have you ever been bereaved with young children? It's not easy.

You probably don't realise the immediate burden it puts on the remaining parent to be the strong parent / the remaining rock for their children/ the one who has to do everything.

You need an outlet and a release at the end of the day.

You can 'offer to help' all you want but maybe you need to stop 'offering to help' and waiting for her to ask for help.
Because she will see that just another decision to make on top of everything else

Maybe you need to take the lead and make the decisions and just TELL her the ways you are going to help i.e I'll pick up the children on such -and-such a day after school ............ we're going to have a family do at the weekend so I'll come and pick you and the kids up at whatever time - if you're not up to coming , then I'll just collect the kids if they want o come ......

At least that gives her a yes/no choice rather than having to actively think about what help she needs

• sometimes you need someone else to take the lead so you don't have to think!

She may be drinking too much in your eyes, but it's her way of coping and getting through this.
Do you think she had drink problems before this? Or do you think she's just trying to get through?

This is what people do to get through problems temporarily - even though MN seems to think it's the end of the world and you must always seek immediate health advice because it's an immediate danger!!

And don't forget that the children will need to grieve just as much as your sister
They have different coping strategies, but need to be supported just as much

edited to try and get rid of the random bullet point - doesn't seem to have worked tho 🙄

and that if she needs / wants support, please ask

I know that you mean well, but almost nobody finds this helpful. What support do you have available to provide if she asks?

Do you offer to do smaller and less emotionally charged stuff than picking the kids up? Like cooking or filling the freezer? Is your dad in the picture or just your mum?

Collecting the boys might be comforting to her and reassuring to them given what's happened, hence wanting to do it herself. I wouldn't assume she's trying to prove anything.

Have you read any of the Marie Curie or Sue Ryder bereavement information pages so you can better understand this? Marie Curie have a support line if you wanted to talk to someone about how to support with a bereavement.

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/

Thanks. I'll try and be more proactive. So do you think we should just ignore the drinking and it'll sort itself out? I'm just concerned that it started at a glass a night, then 2, now a bottle and I just don't want it to keep increasing. She's always liked a drink but only really socially.

Thanks, I'll look at the links. My dad is worse than useless. The night after the death he told one of the kids (who was sobbing) to get a grip. He's said to my mum that they should be over it by now. My sis doesn't get on with him at the best of times so getting him involved would just make things worse.

Hi @Geordiebabe85 I am so sorry that your sister is going through this.

My brother died in February and I also started drinking to similar levels just before and for a few months afterwards.

I am now almost 4 months AF and intend to remain AF for life. The trigger for me was my behaviour hurting some of the people I love the most. Since stopping I ave learnt just how dangerous a toxin alcohol is and how it changes our brain chemistry.

I did need to realise that my drinking was a form of self harm and that I was damaging my relationships with DH and DC through it. Even if I was was "functional".

I don't have any advice really but am sharing my story so you know there is hope! It is possible to stop the downward spiral. I used the alcohol support page on here (there are a couple of long running very supportive threads) and an app.

I would also really really recommend grief counselling as linked to above. She will be experiencing huge emotions and alcohol is so good at obliviating the tough stuff we don't want to feel.

Sending much love and support to you and your family.

It’ll stop itself naturally, mine did. Her whole futures vanished and now her family wants to take her coping mechanism away and replace it with a walk.

Whats a walk going to do when your husbands dead? Bereavement websites are always obsessed with walks and going for coffee. One day they’ll realise how insensitive it was. It’s like telling a woman who’s had a still birth she’s young enough to try again.

I'd focus on supporting her through grieving rather than the alcohol. It's such a tragedy that she's lost her husband and the children their father. It's unthinkable.

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. "Worse than useless" is a very kind and generous way to describe that awful behaviour.

I agree that involving him clearly wouldn't help. Better that she and the boys are protected from his behaviour.

The reason I asked was because I wondered if this was the first major bereavement she and you had experienced, because I think that makes it harder too as there are no "bereavement survival skills" already built up to at least bring reassurance that this pain is survivable or how to try and navigate it. If that makes sense. Nothing can prepare someone for what's happened to your sister, of course.

3 months is so so early and raw and awful still. The first two years will be tough. If you'd posted your question after 2 years that'd be different, but 3 months in if she's even managing to get out of bed that is amazing. I would just focus on propping her up as best you can whilst respecting her wishes.

The first year can be a nightmare filled with firsts, the second year can be harder as people start to forget and withdraw support assuming everything is okay again. (Your dad's "grief timetable" is nonsense, but you know that.)

Be prepared to be there for the long haul (and get support for yourself too if you need it). If you haven't already, put special dates (anniversaries , birthdays, firsts/milestones with the boys) in your diary so you don't forget them and can be there if she needs more support at those times because they will be difficult for a long while.

Are the boys getting any support? Children grieve differently to adults so need specialist services. Children who've lost a parent tend to grieve repeatedly at milestones and life stages, because it's a continuous repeated loss that they will understand and process throughout their lives.

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services/child-bereavement-service-general

https://winstonswish.org/supporting-you/supporting-a-bereaved-child/

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/supporting-bereaved-children-and-young-people

Thank you everyone for all of your advice and support.
I had a chat with her today and just said that we're concerned that she seems to be drinking more and more. She said she's started to think in the last week or so that maybe its a bit much and she's going to try to cut back. She said it helps her get to sleep and at the mo she needs that.
A friend of hers has persuaded her to start running with her which they used to do a while ago and she's hoping that exercise will help to tire her out and help the sleep.
She's also going back to work in a few weeks and thinks that routine will help.
I've also promised lots of batch cooking to fill the freezer and have given her my Domino's login to use any time she just can't face cooking.

@Geordiebabe85

Your sister's lucky to have you looking out for her 😊

Keep doing what you're doing - you're being honest with her and telling her how you feel and what your worries are.

Because you're being honest and not just tip-toing around everything,
she'll feel safe to open up to you and tell you how she's really feeling.

She may need a glass or 2 to help her cope on the evenings when everything gets too much - but that's understandable.

I think the most important thing she needs at the minute is to not feel alone.

When one of my relatives recently lost her husband (after many years of marriage) her sister-in-law went to her house and spent every evening with her so she didn't feel alone - no fuss, no asking, no offering - she just did it.

My relative was so grateful for the company and for the fact she didn't even have to ask for help **

............... * but you've got to know the person pretty well before you dive in with something like that!! and I'm not suggesting that's what you need to do - but you get the general picture x 😊

Could you buy her some lavender essential oil to sprinkle on her pillow to help her sleep too?

Is she lonely in the evenings? Would your company and tea and cake or whatever make that time less lonely (and also tire her out with chat watching tv together help a bit etc)?

Sad situation. Hope it works out ok for her and her children. Sad for them too.

She's tried some natural sleep things but I'm not sure which.
I've got 2 young children and live 40 mins away so going over in rhe evenings is difficult.