Why am I so afraid to seek counselling? (massively long and probably tedious ramble)

[cyteen]

Feeling really shit today and wondering wtf is wrong with me...a bit of background: when I was 14 my mum killed herself, it came totally out of the blue as far as I was concerned as she had apparently not wanted to involve me or my older brother in her struggle with depression. The last time I saw her, she was smiling and waving goodbye to me as I went to spend the night at my dad's. The next morning I woke up late and was told that she was dead (however, my dad chose not to tell me how she had died for a further two weeks, despite me pleading with him to put me out of my misery as I was imagining all sorts).

My life completely changed as my dad and stepmum moved in to look after me and my brother. My parents had divorced years before but were the best of friends and I know my dad still loves my mum to this day. He sank into a deep depression, partly (I think) because hardly anyone recognised his feelings of intense loss. Me and S (my brother) did not get on with my stepmum; she in turn struggled to get on with us. My dad spent a lot of time working or drowning his sorrows. Hurtful things were said on all sides. Our tiny flat was like a pressure cooker full of misery.

I refused any counselling, believing that if I couldn't deal with this on my own then I would sink under the grimness and never be able to function as an independent human being. It was hard work but I did eventually learn how to be happy and think I actually dealt with things pretty well. Most of the time I am a very happy and fully functional adult; I have lots of great friends, a fantastic partner, good relationships with my family, no drink problem, no debt, blah blah blah.

In 2005 my beloved brother was diagnosed with a rare cancer, and he died last year on April 26th. I just cannot begin to get over this, or even to believe it. My brother was the person I loved most in the world from the day I was born. We were so close, and he was the only person in my family who had been through what I'd been through, who knew me for me. Not to mention being a wonderful, loving person who didn't deserve to have to suffer the way he did. I can't forget what he went through and I am angry and hurt all the time.

Now that I am expecting my first child, I'm starting to think that maybe I should seek some sort of counselling to help me try and unpick all the fucking mess that this stuff has left me with, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it. I'm terrified of opening up to someone and all this hurt spilling out. I'm scared of what I might say. I think I'm probably scared of finding out that the certainty I based my adult life on (that I had dealt with my mother's suicide really quite well, considering) will turn out to be a complete lie, and that I'll regret not having had counselling at the time.

To be honest I don't know what I'm saying here, only that I don't want my child to be part of the stupidly tragic saga that seems to make up so much of my family history. I want him to have a new story, a happier one. I want him to grow up not being under the shadow.

What are people's experiences of seeking help? Has it helped you move on, and if so, how? I just keep thinking that there's nothing anyone can say to make sense of my brother's death, because it doesn't make any sense. It shouldn't have happened - it was just random biology, and no amount of talking will change that.

What a tragic story, but there is a ray of hope at the end: you are having a baby. A baby is a new beginning. You are obviously a very reflective person who has thought deeply about past experiences. Bad things have happened to you in your past but that doesn't mean they will happen to your baby too. We make choices. I know your brother had no choice about the cancer, but maybe you could have genetic counselling to see if there's anything you can do to protect your child. Your mother was also ill, probably through no fault of her own, but attitudes have changed to mental health. For example, your father could not bring himself to tell you how she died at first, because the prevailing wisdom of the time was not to talk about these things. We now know it is better to be open.

I wonder whether this is the first time you have talked about this, as you say you have been avoiding counselling. I'm sure, by the time I post this, there will be other messages of support from MNetters. You could also email the Samaritans to discuss it in confidence with a single person whom you need never see.

hi cyteen. just saw this in unanswered threads and couldn't leave it.

firstly let me say i'm so sorry you've had to go through such a load of shit. and can i say congratulations on your first child .

i have not at all experienced any of the tragedies that you have, but i suffered from depression for many years. i went to psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists etc but i was so depressed that it was just to help me get through each day.

when i was pregnant with dd i stopped and 'put it all behind me'. around her third birthday my granny died (we were very close, i used to live with her when i was a child) and a couple of months later i broke up with dd's dad. i decided that life was short enough to feel less than well so i went back to therapy-first time in nearly four years!

i had been afraid to for the same reasons as you. whats the point? and, basically, i felt like if i started crying that i'd never stop. but i knew that i had to begin the journey or else it would be hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

i am so glad i went. it was not a quarter as bad as i thought. i was tired after sessions but i feel like my life has completely changed since i started.

i was ready to be completely honest with my therapist and that's all you need. talking wont change your brother or mother's death but it will help you to cope even better.

Thanks Elasticwoman It's not the first time I've talked about it - I talk about it all the time! with friends and with my partner, but I'm crap at any kind of emotional sharing with my dad or my nan, who are my main family now. My dad was away a lot during our childhood (working abroad), not to mention having his own issues with emotional sharing due to evil toxic parent (my grandfather).

It's just the concept of 'working through' it all that intrigues and repels me - I find it hard to imagine what will happen and picture myself just sitting there unable to say anything.

And thank you MLM I'm so glad your journey has been a useful one. I guess I'm not sure whether I'm ready or not...

cyteen, I wonder whether you are (understandably) reluctant to be labelled as a 'damaged' person with a 'tragic' family life? It seems to me that most of us are damaged in some way, and have tragedy in our lives at some points. It's part of being human.

I had a very happy upbringing, but now my mother is dying and my brother is schizophrenic, and I'm aware that some people (especially people who have only got to know me relatively recently) view my circumstances as 'tragic'. In reality, I find my mother's and brother's illnesses hard to deal with at times, and at times I'm very upset, but I don't accept that my life is tragic, because there are a lot of good and happy things in my life.

If you understand what I'm waffling on about, then maybe you could try to free yourself from worrying about other people's perceptions of your situation, and concentrate on thinking about what - if anything - you need to do to deal with your brother's death. Maybe you don't need to do anything - it's still very recent, and it's entirely to be expected that you are still very raw. Being angry and hurt are normal parts of the grieving process. As you say, in other respects you sound like a very sorted person.

policywonk, I think you've probably got a point there. I always felt very strongly that I didn't want to use my mum's death as an excuse to be all 'poor me' and behave badly (and was also aware that I easily could, so worked extra hard to avoid it). I know that what's happened in my life is hardly unique, and have also noticed that when people express shock and sorrow at my story it makes me almost uncomfortable, like I can't admit to the vulnerability, and I kind of brush past it. I do have real issues with being vulnerable in front of people, annoyingly so since it's something that really bugs me about my dad. Think I probably get it from him, and he certainly got it from evil toxic grandad who is a psychiatrist's dream to be honest.

So maybe I have worked so hard to not be 'damaged' that I'm now unable to admit that of course these are very damaging events, and look at how they have really affected/are really affecting me?

Sorry to hear about your family stress btw, I hope you've got good support and are kind to yourself with it all

I think you are scared because it is a scary thought, raking over your past, uncovering the stuff that you have buried for years.

Yes you may have regrets but you can learn how to deal with that. You are right, no amount of talking will change the random manner of your brother's death but it might help you come to terms with it in the long run.

I wish you every luck