Mum died 3 wks ago

[LilmissCa]

My mum passed away almost 3 wks ago. She had cancer and was cared for at home by my dad and myself since May. The end was quick (glad she didn't suffer for long). I know I'm very new and in the depths of grief. I just don't know how to continue. I'm totally panicking incase my dad dies soon. He has a list of health conditions including less than half his heart working as in heart failure. He has reminded me at the grave that he thought he would be in there first. As did the rest of us.
I have 2 brothers who don't live near so the caring of my mum and now my dad is left to me. Which is I don't mind. I'm off on maternity leave with a 10m old until the end of the year (likely push back) I also have 2 other kids. I'm busy. Can't imagine how I will work again.

Right now I am petrified each morning and evening when I call my dad incase he doesn't answer and something happens him & he's alone.
I am lashing out hugely at my partner for everything and anything.
My patience is thin with my kids.
I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings but the kids keep me going. I have guilt I didn't spend any of the summer with them doing any trips or anything.
I spend hours each night goin over the last weeks and months and conversation in my head.

I don't know how this is going to get better

Not that it really matters but May was when she was handed to palliative care. We got a few weeks of trips etc before full care took over in July .. driver etc so thankful for this time.
The start of this year Jan - May was spent worrying about my dad .. he was in and out of hospital multiple times and is stil going through tests.

I am so so sorry OP. What you describe is normal. Grief is terrible and you are in shock
My love and prayers for you and your dad

'I don't know how this is going to get better'.

I know how this feels and all I can say is it will get better. Not tomorrow, not next week but one morning you will realise you had an hour where you felt easier, lighter and those times will increase gradually until some kind of acceptance and normality return. You won't ever forget your mum, and will think of her at some point almost every day (I still do 10 years later) but you'll be able to live with the loss.

The anxiety you feel about your dad will ease too, there'll be a rebalancing of it, even though you know he is frail. At the minute everything is very raw and you've been through such a tough time, one of the hardest things we do as a daughter or son. It leaves its effects on our ability to manage anxiety and fear. You are looking another loss in the face every single day and may not actually have to face it for a long time yet. You can't control that event. Just try to make the time you and your dad have together the best it can be and don't let your fear and anxiety steal that.

You are doing such a loving thing supporting your parents at this difficult time in their lives and I bet your mum and dad have both really appreciated that and love you all the more for it.

Remember to look after yourself too and be kind to yourself. You need that. It's a hard time but it will get better.
💐

Thanks @LuluBlakey1 & @AgainandagainandagainSS

Good to hear it's normal what I'm feeling.
And the more rational thoughts on my dad I will try to keep these at the front of my head.

The first week I was so busy sorting everything, all bills etc were in my mums name so had to change everything over. Last week then I was at a loss days trying to do things.. batch making food for the kids. Realised now I need to chill and just trying to do simple things wi the kids.. park etc. still manage to burst out in tears as the only my other people in the park is a mother with her kid and mother. Feel like the only time I have by myself is while I lay awake in bed at night.

Totally normal, and I’m so sorry. The two things I hadn’t expected were the exhaustion and the fury. I remember wishing someone would say or do the wrong thing so I could yell at them.
But as other people have said, it does eventually get better.

@EmpressaurusDeiGatti thanks. Totally get that.. my partner does anything he gets yelled at. If it's right I'll make a reason for it to be wrong. The exhaustion just feels normal at the min.

Sorry to hear this but your feelings and thoughts are normal. Google Julia Samuel. Google anticipatory grief as that is what you have about your dad now. Look also cruse.org website and their resources.

Condolences on the loss of your mum. Grief is a difficult path to negotiate. Be kind to yourself and remember your feelings aren’t unusual.

Thanks @LissaGa & @timoteigirl .. I'll check them out now. I'm very much a person that likes to be in control and know what's happening so finding it hard to navigate everything & take things easy

It’s completely normal to feel insecure and totally destabilised when you lose a parent, and I think it’s probably hardest when it’s a mother. When my mum died I was petrified of something happening to my husband. You’re in a new realm now, one where you don’t have your mum and it’s totally frightening. All I can say is, keep going, the clouds will part and you’ll feel less and less awful as time goes on. You have my deepest sympathies, I’m two years on from you and would never ever want to go back to the raw grief of the early days.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Grief is something that’s still not widely discussed in our every day lives.
We all deal with it differently.
I lost my mum in similar circumstances a decade ago and like you I was the primary carer for both of my parents.
The panic you describe is so familiar.
Everybody has to grieve in their own way. I went to my GP and was able to access some grief counselling which did help. It was a safe space each week to talk about my feelings and thoughts.
I do want to offer you some hope.
I did panic about my dad at first every day. But when things calmed down a little bit we settled into a routine.
I was able to spend lots of meaningful time with him and we got to the stage of laughing together again.
My mum was a bit of Hyacinth Bucket, very houseproud and left list of instructions on what she wanted ‘doing’ in the house. Eg only use the dishwasher on Sundays and at Christmas. I kid you not.
We then had so many running jokes…
It’s Tuesday shall we stick the dishwasher on?
I do have a memory of the stage you are at now. It was just before Christmas and we were sat in a garden centre coffee shop unable to speak.
But things got much, much better.
I am a terrible cook and he was worse than me so the next year we got the whole festive lunch from Marks and Sparks - another thing we’d have got told off for!
I probably sound nuts but me and my lovely dad had some brilliant, funny and heartwarming experiences.
Of course I missed mum, but I got to know my dad on a different level and we became the best of friends.
It hasn’t always been easy. Being a sole carer can be tough. But I want to reassure you that in time, things will settle down and you will have the chance, with your own lovely family, to have some quality time with your dad. It will mean so much to him, I can guarantee you that.
It is also great to start when you can to do some basic things for yourself - get your hair done, have a nice meal with your hubby and kids, plan a nice day out in the future. As much as I still laugh about my mum and her rules, I know she wanted me to be happy.
Talk to your GP and loved ones a bit, I also got some support from the hospice where my mum passed. The loss right now is something you can’t comprehend.
It will take time, but please know it does get easier.
By the way, we wore out the dishwasher and got a new one. These simple acts of laughter I never thought would ever happen, but they are so valuable and treasured.

Thanks @FaiIureToLunch & @PeggyMitchellsCameo
It's definitely reassuring to hear these feelings are normal. Esp the fear over my dad.
My mum & dad were 2 peas in a pod, both so set in their ways. Similar thoughts to yours @PeggyMitchellsCameo the dishwasher is sacred & very rarely used! Also the tumble dryer is only EVER set for 10mins.. no matter what is in!
There is so many of the burst out crying moments where I'd usually ring or have my mum about for specific things. Tonight we had our first & no doubt last bbq of the year, my dad was round & everything was pretty manic with the kids & organising everything. Big diff obviously being wed have had another set of hands to help with the kids or the food. Which hurt so hard when that reality hit. I don't thi k I ever want another bbq again.
Coming up to months mind now has a fear too, seeing my brothers and mums sister all again. I am dreading.

Im guessing it must be normal. Both my parents have died, my mum 3 years ago, cancer i took care of her till the end. Heartbreaking she was my everything. I have my husband now who i am constantly scared to loose, i worry about everything happening to him and he has no health conditions and in his 40's.

Its the thought of losing someone else. I felt exactly same when my dad died 16 years ago, i worried about my mum dying.

It's just awful, sorry no advice tho but i know what you are going through x

You have to be kind to yourself and accept this is something you are going through, there's no way of skipping it.

You could try writing an account of everything - either a diary or a long account or however you want to do it. Blank document or notebook, you don't ever have to show it to anyone. I did this after my ds was in intensive care and it helped to set it down rather than carrying all those memories all the time.