What helps?

[WhitstablePearl]

A dear friend's father is end of life, days, maybe a week.

Whilst I know that what I can do/offer is minimal giving the loss he is facing, if anyone has any do/don't suggestions, I would be very grateful.

Iv just been your friend in this situation, I was back and forth to the hospital, watching someone end of life is truly the most devastating thing, she was given 4-6 weeks after diagnosis, but only lasted 6days, and you just asking what you can do to help him on Mumsnet is such a nice thing to see, I felt like my friends had problems they were dealing with themselves, but one particular friend, would send me a heart emoji ❤️ just randomly, she didn’t ask questions she didn’t offer anything, but I just felt she was there for me, which was lovely. I got irritated when people asked, “how is she” I always wanted to reply “she’s dying how do you think she is” which would be rude of me, but that question just annoyed me so much! I am a sensitive person, so maybe I was being over sensitive.
you sound like a great friend x

Nothing helps.
Just be a friend. Pay attention, listen, give a hug - that makes a huge difference.

Let them speak about it when they need to, don’t change the subject or try to jolly them along. Don’t avoid them, death is part of living, but isolating a grieving person is a weird part of current culture.

Absolutely this. Just be there.

This

also people bringing cooked food really helped

offering to get basic things from the shops too.

in terms of the actual feeling, the most helpful thing anyone said after the passing was “it’s just shit” while hugging me.

the pain during the wait is something I can’t bear to recall but my closest friend said “how are you not drinking all day” and some days I thought I was going to collapse. Be clear that you’re there for her. You sound like a lovely person.

the drinking comment was apt and it did reassure me because I somehow thought I should be coping better. Dunno why.

Check in with him but make it clear you're there if and when he needs you and it's fine if he doesn't reply.
Male him food.
Ask him if he needs anything.
Tell him you love him.

Just be there.

Don’t try to make it better. Let him cry, rant, be angry, whatever he needs to do. And ask if there are any practical ways you can help.

My best friend just sat and held me after my mum died. And when I forgot to take a handkerchief to the funeral, I sent a frantic text on the way & she was waiting outside with a spare one.

I second the heart emoji messages my best friend would send me them when my father was dying!

Just knowing someone is thinking of me was enough!

Thank you all so much for commenting. I will take on board everything you have said.

He was telling me about his dad earlier, with such love. I felt very privileged to be able to hear about him

Absolutely agree with this.

I lost my husband earlier this year. Some of the best support came from friends who were proactive but gave me the option not to engage if I didn’t feel like it. Eg a friend who sent a list of times and locations she would be going for walks and said I was welcome to join her if I ever felt like it.

Agree with all of the previous posters. I would add that absolutely practical stuff is OK to offer e.g. lifts in and out of the hospital, dog walking, child caring, shopping and home cooking dropped off whatever it is that they are having to put on hold because of the situation - as well as the just talking and if you want to go for a drink after being in the hospital all day type stuff. So many people respond with hearts and "if there is anything I can do" type platitudes, but if you are going through it, it can get you a bit if it feels insincere and a quick response. And don't get worried if it isn't taken up. My experience is you go into a strange mode when someone is dying and you sit by their bedside every day when there is little (or no) hope for recovery. The world is blocked out. So normal responses cannot be expected. It's hard, and you are doing the right things xxx

I've offered dog walking & sitting, as even though he enjoys doing that, I thought I could maybe take something off his plate

And maybe do the dog walking together sometimes, when your friend has more time. A friend of mine found that a really helpful way of having company and the dog as the distraction when she didn't want to talk, or for her grief to be the focus.

That's a good idea