Hello all,
I was just wondering if anyone else was going through similar and how you navigated it? I’m sure/hoping it can’t just be us.
My dad died very unexpectedly at the end of June. It was a complete shock for everyone. He’d been fine, no symptoms or anything, very healthy and active lifestyle, still participating in sport for several hours a week, but died whilst my mum had nipped out briefly one afternoon. She came home and he was gone. Autopsy said blocked artery/heart attack.
He was very much the linchpin that held everyone else together. I absolutely adored him. We were very close. We got on very well and were similar in our outlook on life as well as interests etc. He was very close with my kids and did a lot with them, eg weekly sports matches etc. For most of my life he was my favourite person in the whole world. He was one of the rare good ones: kind, generous with his time, endlessly supportive and fun to be around.
I have had quite a difficult relationship with my mum. As a child/teen things were very strained. She has said some very hurtful things to me, which I now try and look on as an adult in a way that frames it as; parents aren’t saints, they’re just as flawed as the rest of us. She had quite severe PND when I was young and went through a very tough time and I do wonder if that had a knock on effect on our subsequent relationship. Whilst some of she did things as a parent I would not want to repeat, they were very hurtful, I know that she loves me, we’re just very different people. Sometimes people say or do stuff in the moment that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, particularly if they are working on their own issues. She also had a very strained relationship with her mother, but hero worshipped her dad who died young. Prior to my dad’s death we got on fine in regular small doses, but over longer periods we rub each other up the wrong way. She’s not a bad person at all, and she is a good grandma altho a lot more hands off than my dad.
I have a younger sibling, a six year age gap. They were always her favourite. Yes it was hurtful at the time. But again, trying to look at it logically, they are similar in personality and get on better. Things that the sibling did/does are fine, that wouldn’t be/weren’t if I did them. My dad got on well with everyone including my sibling, but her ‘babying’ and excusing of some of his behaviours/actions used to (mildly) irritate him too. No big drama ever, but I know he used to internally roll his eyes sometimes. I was always seen as the dependable, reliable one (as an adult, I was a PITA as a teenager!).
My sibling moved 2.5hours away about 5/6 years ago.
Since my dad died I have been doing my best to look after my mum. My DH and I have, at her request, done the majority of the paperwork/admin. I did the majority of the leg work for the funeral, presenting her with possible options to choose, but doing the actual organising.
For the first two months I was driving over there every day to keep her company. It’s not a long way in itself, just over an hour round trip, but takes a few hours each visit, so doing it every day did pretty much take over everything. I have had to cut it down a bit now since going back to work part time. I feel guilty about this but I’m really struggling to manage everything else. They were married over 50 years and she was never as gregarious as he was, and doesn’t have any friends who live close by any more, they’ve moved away over the past 10 years. She is lonely. Of course she is. She has always been quite ‘stiff upper lip’, and not one to discuss feelings. She is rattling around in the family home and she has openly said it’s horrible and lonely, especially at night. Even if we both thought it was a good idea to temporarily move in together it’s not practical- there’s no room here and with rush hour traffic it could be an hour to get the kids to school if we were to stay there.
I am so so disappointed and angry at my sibling. They are a teacher (private) so have been off for 8w. They have no children, but are recently married and in their mid 30s. I really hoped they would step up, especially as her golden child. I really hoped they would come and stay for a significant amount of time.
They did not. They came down for a few days the week after the death, and again for the funeral. They then stayed for two nights (at her request), after going on holiday (parents house is close-ish to the airport).
My mum was surprised/hurt/disappointed that they didn’t stay longer, particularly the last visit. However, she excuses the behaviour by saying they’re immature and thoughtless because they don’t have children and have never had to think of anyone but themselves/put others needs ahead of their own, but it’s only because it doesn’t occur to them, it’s not intentional.
I am finding it hard to keep my mouth shut. I am really quite angry. I feel like they are the golden child, the least they could do is make the effort now my mum needs them. Instead they disappear back home either completely oblivious to the hours and hours I’ve spent every day dealing with the aftermath. Even stupid things like funeral organisation. They came down a few days before, yet stayed in bed till almost lunchtime, only messaging me late afternoon the day before asking if there was anything they could do to help… well no, not when the funeral is 20 hours away.
I messaged them after they didn’t stay long after their holiday, saying that I know mum is lonely, she was sad they left so soon. That I was really struggling and could do with some support, supporting mum. I got a slightly terse reply saying that whilst they were on school holiday, they were busy (in their defence they were moving house just over two weeks later but that was two weeks away and had an overlap of having both properties for several days- imo if they’d wanted to they could have done more). I haven’t heard from them since.
I just feel so alone. My DH is very supportive but obviously he’s back at work (and also helping out with a lot of the paperwork/ info gathering for probate). But I feel like my relationship with my mum has flipped. I’m now the one who needs to look after her. I feel (unfairly or not), that my brother has skipped off back to his life. Whilst I don’t doubt at all that he is grieving, living so far away his daily life didn’t involve my dad to such an extent, so his ‘new normal’ isn’t vastly different to the old normal. I think there is an element of out of sight, out of mind.
My dad’s birthday falls in half term. My sibling gets two weeks holiday then and is going away for a week of that. I asked my mum if they were coming back, she said she didn’t think so. They hadn’t said so. I’m dreading it (along with Christmas). It’s going to be so difficult. I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams. But I’m trying to plan ahead and be there for her, I’m sure it’s worse for her of course. I don’t really know how to hold it together.
I know it’s stupid to say, but I feel like I hate the way this new normal is. I really, really miss my dad. I feel like I’m having to step into his shoes and be the one that’s the rock for everyone else and it’s so hard.
I love my DH and we have a good solid relationship (hasn’t always been the case, we got together in our teens and have had rough patches altho not for a very long time). He is doing everything he can to be there for me and the kids (and my mum). I couldn’t ask for more. But there is this nagging voice that says this isn’t unconditional. Marriages sometimes fail, people just fall out of love, people lie or cheat etc. Whilst I’m not saying I think it likely that either of us will do that, it’s technically possible. I feel like my dad was the only person I could rely on to rescue me if I needed it, or fix things if I somehow messed up, no matter what, completely unconditional love and support. And now it’s gone. And I think I’m supposed to be the one that fills that role for the family now. And it’s terrifying.
I don’t really know what I expect from this post. I suppose I wondered how other people navigate the way relationships change after a bereavement.
ps mumsnet, please do not put this post on Facebook. It is fairly outing, I’m struggling as it is.