Worried I’m going to fall apart when MIL dies

[Rainallnight]

My DP’s mum (I’ll call her MIL for convenience) is 93. She’s in amazing shape and lives independently but obviously won’t go on forever.

DP and I were talking about her eventual death recently (not as ghoulish as it sounds, we’re planning to move to be nearer her so we’re going into all the ins and outs) and I found myself getting really upset.

DP looked at me like I was mad. And I know she* wouldn’t have a huge amount of tolerance if I was very upset at the death. She’s just a less emotional person than me generally, I’m a bit of a weeper generally and I know that can get on her nerves. Also, when MIL dies, it’ll obviously be a bigger thing for her.

I think my feelings are tied up in unresolved grief about my own parents’ death, as well as MIL being the last surviving grandparent to our children.

How can I get myself in shape so I’m not falling apart when it eventually happens?

*DP and I are both women if that’s of interest.

If it were me, first I would try not to think about it, wait till it happens. Then I would let myself grieve, why not? It is hard to lose the next generation, and natural to mourn.

I don’t think you need to get yourself into shape. Deal with it when it comes ,it will be natural and you can’t stop your emotions.

You grieve the way you grieve. And of course, your DP is your MILs daughter, but she doesn't get to police your grief.

When the time does come, you will feel sad and that's perfectly normal and reasonable.

BUT, you'll also be caught up in the practicalities, supporting DP and DC, making arrangements, possibly at the end of a long illness etc so there's every chance you'll be less outwardly emotional than you think.

You'll be sad obviously.
As long as you support your partner when it happens, I think you can grieve however you need to.
Just put her first!

Try not to make your partner's mother's death about your grief. Yes you will be upset, I would be if MIL died but your key role in that scenario is to support your partner who has lost her mother, the person who gave birth to her, raised her.

When my best friend's mum died his wife was constantly inconsolable and he ended up being the one supporting her and getting on with things for the children. He didn't get to grieve properly and his mum was in her fifties and it was fairly unexpected after a short illness. A few years on and he's really struggling with that.

Well obviously that’s exactly why I’m asking the question.