Hurt over lack of acknowledgement

[AhBiscuits]

My dad was found dead in his car last week. We've just had the post mortem results and found out it was a heart attack. It was unexpected. He was 77 but seemed fit and healthy and was still enjoying an active life.

A few of my friends have checked in regularly with me to make sure I'm coping. There are other people I am close to who have not been in touch at all. Most notably my inlaws. I have a good relationship with them and take the kids to see them every week. My DH told them and nothing. Not even a WhatsApp. I actually feel like they're avoiding me. My FIL picked the children up today, as they are looking after them, and he didn't even come in the house, DH took the children out to the car.

I just feel a bit hurt. Normal life is carrying on around me with little acknowledgement of the fact that actually something really awful has happened.

That is disappointing. Have you expressed this to your husband? Had he talked to them about it?

I'm sorry for your loss, that must have been very shocking 💐

I remember when my cousin died and we were told (by my mum) to leave the family alone and not to contact them. She didn't want to bother them.

Perhaps your in laws are the same. Maybe they don't know what to say or don't want to bother you. I find it strange they haven't sent a card but perhaps that's just me.

When we're grieving, we sometimes focus on one thing as it takes our minds off the enormity of what's happened. Unless there's a backstory, I wouldn't take it personally.

I would find that mind boggling
they're your in laws and you’ve suffered not just a bereavement but one out of the blue

to not offer condolences in any form is bizarre

and no, I don’t get the “I don’t know what to say excuse”

say anything - I’m sorry for your loss; you must be so sad; we can help in anyway so shall we do some shopping / take the kids

Totally understand why you’re feeling hurt OP. I think people often don’t want to broach the subject for fear of upsetting the bereaved. I don’t think it’s because they don’t care, they probably don’t know what to say. I do think a text to say sorry for your loss and to acknowledge it would at least show they care though.

I lost my mam suddenly and unexpectedly like you. She was mid 50’s and I was barely an adult and I remember bumping in to people and I knew they knew but they never mentioned it and I felt a bit hurt too.

My father died earlier this month; as soon as my DH told my in laws, they called me. I don't remember what words they used, it didn't matter. I could feel they cared and wanted me to know it.
I am so sorry you are having to experience this in your time of great loss. Could you tell your DH how you feel? Would he talk to them?

Thanks everyone. I'll mention it to DH.
I'm not a person who likes a fuss but I feel like I want a bit of a fuss, people to acknowledge that it's a big loss. It just feel insulting to him for people to just shrug and carry on. I know that doesn't make a huge amount of sense, my brain is not it's most rational atm.

My brother and sister in law had met my parent and never acknowledged at all. Now I don't acknowledge them 😂

I wanted to say also that I'm sorry for your loss and it really sucks. Lost my Dad this year and it's a long hard road, x

People are very different to each other in how they have been culturally raised to deal with death.

I was also hurt when my brothers in law never mentioned my father’s death and my parents in law barely did. But they are emotionally repressed and a bit awkward and they don’t know how to talk about such things. I don’t mind any more but at the time it’s an extra blow, isn’t it? Doesn’t make me love them any more, that’s for sure.

I’m so sorry for your loss, what a terrible shock.

And I’m sorry your in laws haven’t acknowledged what has happened at all, definitely speak to your DH and ask why, it’s very odd of them to have said nothing but maybe they think you need space? People do behave in odd ways sometimes.

People are so bafflingly strange. It doesn't take much to say "sorry to hear about your dad"

In a similar vein, I have a chronic illness and am currently going through a relapse. One of my best friends seems to have taken that as an opportunity to dump me. It doesn't take much to pop round for a cofeee occasionally and send the occasional WhatsApp.

So sorry for your loss op, what a terrible shock for you all 💐