I’ve lost both parents in six months and being pushed into having counselling, but is it worth it?

[inthekitchensink]

This year has been awful. I did palliative care for my dad in one place, he was gone in February a few weeks after his terminal cancer diagnosis. Then cracked on with family life and work but my mum got sicker and weaker and I gave up work so I could look after her.

Mid July the doctors confirmed she was dying, she chose palliative care at home but was gone before we could even sort out carers. Very fast.

She made me promise to have bereavement counselling, so of course I feel like I should.

It’s been two weeks since she passed and I just feel ambivalent about counselling. Could anyone tell me if it has helped them and whether they recommend it?

I am sorry for your losses. I would recommend doing this short quiz on the Cruse bereavement care website. They will signpost you.

https://www.cruse.org.uk

Do you have much real life emotional support?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It is usually recommended by bereavement services to wait about six months after a death before having counselling. This is because people are often in shock or denial stages before that, so counselling is less helpful and harder to engage with. I'd wait a while and see how you go.

Gosh I am so sorry for your losses. In your position I would wait before doing anything. I would just be you, let things settle a bit.

I have had bereavement counselling - it was over the telephone and wasn't great but, that was because the time wasn't quite right. There was nothing wrong with the counsellor. I've since had more generalised counselling which has covered the bereavement and my issues and that has been really helpful.

You've gone through a lot in a short period of time. For now I would just let everything sink in. I presume you'll be going back to work at some point? 💐

Thank you, these are very useful posts. Six months seems wise, as I think I’m just reeling and trying to take one day at a time. Maybe in time I can articulate and plan things better with the help of counselling.

I will look at that support service and quiz, thank you. I do have real life support, I just don’t feel anything but numb and am able to function ‘normally’, for want of a better word.

I'm so sorry. Losing two DPs like that within such a short space of time must be so incredibly hard.

I had a similar experience a few years ago and found bereavement counselling invaluable. Talking to someone who didn't know them or me and having the space and time to explore how I was feeling was so, so helpful.

You could always try it and be honest if you think it's not for you and don't want to continue?

One thing that I did find helpful too was walking, especially by water. I've since heard it has a term "blue health".

It can be very helpful, personally if I had my time again I would choose to have it around 6 months post bereavement, I had it very early (about 2 months in) when I was still really in shock and not in a position to begin to process what had happened. I think unless you feel you are at crisis point I would wait a little longer. Your grief will evolve over time and you may reach a point where you naturally feel more ready to talk, for me that was when life had settled into a new "normal" routine without the person I had lost and suddenly the hole felt very large.

Thank you, you’re all so kind. I will try it, but will give myself permission to let it sink in and have some time before I start.

We were very close, which I’m so lucky for. Just a huge transition and adapting to a different kind of life. Maybe just not willing to deal with that yet. I would rather be left alone like some kind of wounded animal. But have child and husband and the usual stuff we all have to get on with.

Thanks again.

I will try this, thank you.

So sorry for your losses. My mum died 11 years ago, it took me 8 months until I was ready, but I did then have counselling.. I found it invaluable, really helped me process my grief.. I can't articulate exactly how, but it made a big difference... Highly recommended from my experience.

So sorry to hear about your mum and dad. The same thing happened to me about 15 years ago. I am an only child and was close to my parents. My dad, who was my mum's carer became terminally ill very suddenly. My mum had to go into a home and they died within 4 months of one another. It is such a load to bear.

How lovely that your mum wanted you to have counselling and thought about this at such a difficult time. This was because she recognised how difficult things would be for you. I would suggest that now is too early to do this. Your feelings must be so raw, also there are so many practical things to sort out.

I would advise waiting a couple of months and then to think about whether you feel ready for counselling. You could try it and see - but there is no rush. You could do this at any time - even after a year or two.

I found (and have said this to many other people who have been bereaved) that it took me about a year to feel that I could function 'normally'. Throughout that year, although I was working and seeing to my family, I felt so tired. I remember being in a position when I was down to give a speech - but I just couldn't do this and made an excuse. When my mum died, I remember my cousin advising me to be kind to myself and I really tried not to push myself.

Take care.