My husband still blame himself 5 years later, AITA for choose DNR order. How to get him to stop blame himself.

[stayathomewife]

AITA (AmITheA-hole), I want to know if I am the A-hole her for choose DNR for my child.

Brain disease run in my side of family, my father died of end stage progressive brain disease. My child got brain disease from me as I'm the baby's mother, inherit from me the maternal side, this has nothing to do with my husband.

We was told by the neurosurgeons that our child won't live pass 2 years old.

The surgeons in the hospital asked us (as parents) about our choice of Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) for our child.

You know Cardioversion, the heart stimulating electric shocks to the heart. Because Cardioversion can cause injuries when perform, like broken ribs and heart damage, causing even more pain for a child. Plus the surgeons told us our child will NOT pass 2 years old.

Me as a mother choose Do Not Resuscitate (DNR). My husband at the time also agreed to because he not want Cardioversion electric shocks to the heart which can cause broken ribs and intense pain for our child.

Our child did die and there was no attempt of resuscitate as we had the Do Not Resuscitate.

5 years later my husband still BLAME himself for the DNR order, he never blame me because he said I'm as a mother has every rights to choose DNR,
BUT he said he as a father has every rights not to agree to that, but he did back then, so now he has to live with this guilt for the rest of his life.

He said had he choose Resuscitate instead, our child probably still has a chance, but my husband not get it, the surgeons told us our child will NOT live pass 2 years old.

I know he still blame himself and his guilt for agreed to the DNR, perhaps I am the A**hole for being cold blood and put in DNR for my child.

I know this is his grief, he has to solve this on his own, I just don't know how to get him to stop blame himself for this, he lives in the guilt that our child died because of him agree to the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order.
BUT then brain disease our child inherited from me the mother side here. I don't know how to get my husband to understand that our child died is not because of he agreed to the DNR.

I don't know how to get through him. I know this guilt of his is eating him up everyday inside.

I am so sorry for your loss. This sounds like such a complicated grief that you are both facing. It sounds like you have been trying to rationalise what happened for your husband but he is stuck in an emotional response. He won't be able to take on board what you are saying, even though it makes perfect sense. Has he had any grief counselling? There are different sources of support available, would he be willing to speak with someone about his feelings?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately losses like this always come with a host of 'what if' scenarios that can torture your mind. Has your DH had any grief counselling? It can be helpful to work through these thoughts. Five years is nothing for the loss of a child. Your DH made a decision at the time that felt kind and right for your child. He's second guessing it now because he's in pain and sees your pain and everyone else's. I hope in time he can come to see he made that decision with love and care, even if it was hard and it hurts so very much.

Thank you for the replies/help.

5 years later and he still BLAME himself for agreed to the DNR order, he NEVER blame me because he said I'm as a mother has every rights to choose DNR,
BUT he said he as a father has every rights not to agree to that, but he did back then, so now he has to live with this guilt for the rest of his life.

He hella does, I see it everyday, he lives with this guilt every single day. And it more than just this.

His immediate blood family members one by one died, he grief each of them one by one.

His older sister died of car accident on freeway (drunk driver hit into her).
His father died of Pancreatic Cancer, he was the one that care for his dad by his dad beside in his dad last months, he watch his dad die slowly from end stage cancer.
Then our child died, which he still blame himself for agreed to the DNR, but it me that put in the DNR, and brain disease our child get it from me the mom, not him.
His mom is dying, her end stage kidney failure, and she Quadriplegia paralyze since her hemorrhagic stroke.

He still has me I'm his wife and I will always be there for him. It just his grief though, everyday I see him live in pain, so so much grief and emotional pain.

Oh my, he is going through such a hard time. Can you look for support for him? Cruse might be somewhere to start.

This is so hard and complicated for him, can he get counselling? Are you in the UK?

It was an awful situation for you all and I'm sorry that you had to make this decision. I think that had he not consented, he would be in almost exactly the same situation but regretting and feeling guilty that he hadn't consented.

However, he needs expert help in reaching that conclusion himself, not standard Bereavement Counselling, as there are specific issues (being the parent, the condition itself, for example) where a generic counselling service might not understand the full implications and sense of responsibility. Could the team that cared for your child have details of specialist counselling or therapy for bereaved parents? Maybe a charity that helps children and families with that condition and/or similar ones or a parents' support group?

I think that getting support for him - and you, as it's not just his loss - could be what you both need.

I am so sorry to read this and I am sure you made the right choice.
I too had to make that decision for our son. He was 13 and had cerebral palsy, blind and in the end unable to tolerate food, so needed feeding intravenously (TPN). He was in hospital and deteriorated very quickly and I was asked did I want him resuscitated. I had thought this may happen
so I said no, he died peacefully half an hour later.
I was so lucky my DH agreed that I did the right thing but now several years on was I right?
Your poor DH is still grieving and as suggested in previous posts he probably needs counselling, he has been through so much. For what it is worth I still feel guilty and think “what if”.
Keep strong.

I am so sorry for your loss, your husband needs to understand the that the medical decision to implement a do not resuscitate was made by the Dr's. Whilst they involved you and your husband in the discussion, it was ultimately a medical decision. There have been several cases where parents and medics did not agree on DNR and the cases ended up in court.

Has your husband had any counselling around this and the loss of your child, it might help you both xx

I am so sorry for your loss.
I honestly don't think you can help your husband accept that the DNR was the right choice and gave you precious peaceful moments with your little one, esp if he never saw an attempted resuscitation.
When my DDad died of a sudden cardiac arrest, I witnessed it started CPR and had a defib within 4 minutes. He did not survive. I can not forgive myself that I did not save him like I did countless others. Survivors' guilt is irrational and sometimes easier to have and feel than dealing with the emotions of loss.