Grief: divorce, empty nest, bereavement

[gotowardsthelight]

I've posted this in the Divorce/Separation part of the forum but think it might be more relevant here.

I'm feeling so adrift right now and can't work out where my feelings are coming from, or what I need to do.

I'm in the middle of getting divorced, moved into my own place a couple of months ago after telling my husband I wanted a divorce about six months before that. My two late teen/early 20s children have stayed in the family home and are now due to move away for uni next month. I also lost my remaining parent late last year. This was the catalyst for me asking for a divorce. After several years of being unhappy and trying to make it work, I realised that life is too short not to live true to yourself.

I've been seeing someone absolutely lovely who is being very understanding and supportive (we're taking it very slowly, my children won't know about him until/unless I'm sure we have a future) but this last week I am feeling absolutely crushed by feelings of loss and sadness. It is paralysing me, making me want to run and hide under my quilt and just cry for the rest of my life.

I know the empty nest feelings will pass, but they are compounded by my grieving the family life we had, the future life I imagined with us all together.

The divorce is amicable. Neither of us had been happy for some time. We just grew apart and were not really that compatible in the ways that matter. I still care for/love my husband but not enough to be married to him, and it's breaking my heart.

I am questioning everything. I don't know how to move forward, however slowly, with this lovely man when I'm feeling this way.

I know I probably should have waited to completely heal from my divorce/failed marriage before getting involved, but I'm 50 and after being unhappy for so long, wanted to take the risk. We get on so well, he is a solid, loving, tender man who makes me feel so loved. I keep pinching myself to check I'm not dreaming. But I worry that I'm not in the right headspace, worry that I can't trust my own judgement. I find myself pulling away from him because my heart just feels so bruised and I just don't want any more pain.

I don't know if I need a break from my new relationship (how long? Would it help? Can I even ask for this?), to end it because it's not fair on my new man to still be grieving my old life, or if this is just a massive but normal wave of grief about my parent which is happening now that I've moved out, found some sort of equilibrium, and is being compounded by the rest. In which case, maybe I should just hold on tight, let it wash over me and wait to come out the other side?

Can anyone relate to this?

You've been through a lot, and I am absolutely not going to minimise any of it. However, I do think you may want to consider and investigate how peri-menopause/menopause is contributing to how you feel. Peri/menopause can a profound impact on your mental state, and it can creep in slowly, exacerbating complicated feelings you're already experiencing.

I think you should explore grief therapy for both your marriage and your parents, and I also think you should go to a private menopause clinic to learn about HRT. I wish you the best.

Thank you @Aquamarine1029

I did suffer when I was going through perimenopause but am technically out of it now, I think, as I've had no periods for a year, and very long gaps before that (6-8 months). Physically I feel better than I have done in years, have lost weight and don't get the terrible anxiety and brain fog any more, although I'm not as sharp as I once was, and don't have as much drive.

I think grief counselling might be a good idea, so thank you for suggesting it. I worked with a therapist three or four years ago when I was at my absolute lowest point in my marriage, dealing with troubled teenagers and ailing parents as well as peri on top. I also took anti-depressants for about a year and they really helped. I'm not keen to go back on them but maybe I need to, just while I get through this.

I can relate.

I left my husband amicably last year, although not so amicable now as the divorce is in full swings and we are started to sort out financial arrangements. I am now seeing someone new, but also taking it very slowly because I have just had the worst year of my life..

We lost our teenage son to cancer in April, he was 13. I have an older daughter who is almost 18 and so I have been faced with empty nest syndrome prematurely. I just feel like I don't know what to do with myself. I am 41.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and try to bring some comfort @Downtoyou

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through on top of the divorce etc.

I feel lost too. I thought I knew who I was but my whole sense of self has been shaken.
It's as if I'm standing in a pile of rubble that used to be me/my life and I now have to build everything all over again.
At times I can see the positives but at others I feel overwhelmed, exhausted and clueless about where to go from here, afraid of getting it all wrong because I'm not sure I can trust myself to make the right decisions.

I've done a lot of reading online these past few days and am trying to accept that it's normal to feel like this, to hurt deeply and for the healing/rebuilding process to take time.

I'm trying to be compassionate towards myself and double down on the self-care I have neglected for so long.

Take care of yourself x

Op, how are you doing? I have stumbled across your post and so much of it resonates.

Downtoyou I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry.

In my case I am in the middle of the avalanche. Lost parents, various friendships burnt out and looking at divorce in the fairly near future (already grieving the loss). Things haven't been right for a long time and I'm bracing myself as the end of the relationship needs to come. A taste of empty nest recently but younger dc still at home. I have felt stuck for a long time.

I'm trying to hold onto my health and focusing on self care but the intensity of one loss after seemingly another seems overwhelming. Also started counselling. Perimenopausal but I don't believe it is the cause of anything, in some ways, I feel like I see things far more clearly now and have never felt better in myself in terms of being comfortable with myself. The thought of starting over feels exhausting (similar age to you) and I think I distrust it will work out okay following the events of the past few years (and before that).

I am worried about keeping walls up following the amount of loss/breakdown in relationships I have experienced. Your post resonates (sadly) very much with me. Feeling weary now though I've learnt I'm resilient - just needed somewhere to put this. Thanks for posting.

I feel similar. Recent family bereavement adding to multiple previous ones. I feel that cumulative effect of loss but also that life is short and want to try get back to feeling like myself, I have felt so unhappy and unsettled for a long time but denied it and tried to rationalise it in the context of difficult life situations.

This feels like a final chance to rebuild a new life but is also terrifying.

@vjg13
"I feel that cumulative effect of loss but also that life is short and want to try get back to feeling like myself, I have felt so unhappy and unsettled for a long time but denied it and tried to rationalise it in the context of difficult life situations.
This feels like a final chance to rebuild a new life but is also terrifying."

You have summed it up so well.

@wholetthesheepoutaggain

I'm doing OK, mostly, thank you.
There are ups and downs, quite extreme at times. Friends have said I look 10 years younger (I don't feel it!) and seem at peace which I am, in a way. I no longer have the constant to-ing and fro-ing in my mind trying to decide if I should leave or hang on and keep trying.

It's scary, there are still lots of unanswered questions, things to work out, decisions to make etc, but when I look back over the last year I have survived. Things that seemed impossible weren't.

The pain still comes in waves and I also do feel a sense of regret. But it's not so much regret that I left as regret that we couldn't fix what was broken when we still had time.

You're doing the right thing by focusing on self-care, and it's great that you are in counselling. It's a cliché but you are stronger than you think.

Thank you for taking the time to post. I wish you well.

This somewhat resonates with me too.

I left my ex-h some 4 years ago. He alienated my teen DC against me, the eldest is now at university and the youngest lives with his dad, but will fly the nest soon too.

In the same year I lost both grandparents in quick succession and I've now recently lost a parent.

I have no siblings and my boyfriend I was with for the last 3 years split with me to go back to his ex-wife shortly before the death of my parent.

It's difficult. Whilst I have some friends, none are especially close, so I'm often on my own.

It's a very scary and lonely place to be in my 50s.