Access to dying Dad made difficult by mother

[GGBlue]

This is a long one. Will try best to condense. Long standing strained relationship with controlling mother. I broke free as young adult and I don't think she's ever forgiven me for living my own life and making my own decisions. Emotionally distant relationship with father who was alcoholic. Mother is religious and put all her energy into concealing dad's alcoholism from everyone. I believe I was the biggest collateral damage as the oldest child and only girl. I saw a lot of terrible things I was warned never to discuss with anyone.

Dad diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in Jan 2024. He died 2 weeks ago. From Jan mother withheld information from me (eg not telling me dad was in hospice for 2 weeks and stating he didn't want to see me, which I later found out wasn't true) and also made it difficult for me to see him once discharged home (had to message her to ask if I could see Dad, often she'd say no) I was close to emotional burn out by time Dad died. Day after I tested + for Covid and was then extremely unwell for full week. Mum barely maintained any contact with me, but I was still trying to offer support have some kind of input in funeral arrangements. Even if that was just to offer choice of song or a photo of Dad with my kids. She made sure I was completely excluded. I've been told the date and time of funeral and nothing else.
I've recovered from Covid and I'm well enough to attend funeral next week which I'm absolutely dreading. However, once this is over I feel strongly that I want only minimal contact with my mother. There is no trust and no safely for me in that relationship. I've told my teenage kids (who she treats well and not like me at all) they are free to have their own relationship with her. But I feel I can't give her another opportunity to hurt me like this. I just want peace in my life.

Does anyone have similar toxic relationship with a parent and made decision to step back /have minimal contact?

Yeah, it's kind of just happening on it's own though. I just don't feel right after the latest thing. I feel traumatised. And I was quite badly neglected as a child, which I never really got over. I hope you're feeling ok

The relationship between my mum and her parents was much like you describe, except grandparents were not all that much better to us grandchildren either.
Over the course of my life I saw my mother treated appallingly. And each and every time somehow it was mum who would apologise or make peace, or just pretend nothing absolutely disgraceful had just happened to her.
I’ll be honest, it made me angry seeing her treated so badly, but what hurt me more was her lack of boundaries. Whilst I am able to maintain much healthier boundaries, that has come from years of work and not my “default” setting as it were. I loved my mother deeply, but no one role modelled self-respect and healthy boundaries to me.
I don’t think going no contact with your toxic mother sounds like a bad thing at all. I also think you need to imagine if your children were being treated the way you have been. What would you want them to do?
They may be teenagers but they are in a crucial stage of their own development and picking up cues about what kinds of behaviours they should accept from the kinds that you do.

That sounds horrible for you. I think personally that I would go no contact rather than low contact. I don’t see anything positive for you from keeping in touch. I hope that your own kids are old enough and sensible enough to not fall for any nonsense she might tell them.

Thanks for the replies. Really useful feedback. I get what you're saying about no contact but I think that's what may end up happening anyway if she's unable/unwilling to engage with me in a way that doesn't overstep my boundaries. Ball's in her court but not hopeful she's capable of change. Also get what you're saying about my kids. I've recently become much stronger about telling them their grandmothers treatment of me is unacceptable, and I won't tolerate it any longer or put myself in a position where she can treat me like this ever again. I've stopped short of saying I don't want you to see her, as I don't have any evidence she's treating them in same way or gaslighting them. And feel they're old enough to make their own decision on that. I will keep a close eye on situation though as comments and behaviours can start sneaking in. But you're also right in saying I need to show my kids that I won't be treated badly, by her or anyone which will give them the confidence to assert themselves in their own adult lives hopefully!