How do I cope with my dad's death? Please

[anonomam]

My dad passed away on November 11th... it was agonizing, I'd cry so much my face was swollen... I thought I started being okay for a while but lately it's starting to hurt again more than ever.... I knew he wasn't coming back but now it's really apparent that he's truly not coming back... I think it hurts more so because I'm 26, I know it hurts at any age but I'm very aware of how long of my life has to grow without him .... my sisters are much older than me and I feel like they're so lucky to have had him in their life for as long as they have ... (obv not lucky that he's gone or anything) I think what I'm trying to say is I feel like I have missed out and so much in the future having him there for me.

I'm really struggling with dealing with these strong emotions I just miss and want him so much and it hurts all the time. I think I'm starting to obsess over thinking about him and his songs he would listen to and memories in general.

Please how do I cope with this? Because I can't continue feeling like this, I want ways to cope with his death and be reassured that it does get better eventually?

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s no right it wrong way to feel or experience bereavement but I would suggest it getting some bereavement counselling. Talking to people who can understand what you’re feeling and how to work through the strong emotions will help. What you’re going through is normal but you can work to stop it becoming too overwhelming.

My dad died when I was younger and I promise it will get easier and there will be a time when you can remember him in a comforting and positive way. The pain doesn’t go but will be less intense. It’s a measure of the love you have for your Dad.

Have a Google of grief counselling. Even if it’s just a phone call initially you might feel like you are starting to control your grief.

Sending you a big hug. It will lessen in time. X

I'm so sorry, that is so very young to lose your dad. I understand what you're saying about your age relative to the loss. I think it's very natural and justified. I had similar thoughts and feelings.

You won't continue feeling this bad. Those days when the pain feels unsurvivable will gradually reduce. You won't notice it's happening at first, but it will. I promise you it gets easier to bear.

I think you are coping, it's just that what you're coping with is huge. Grief is painful and takes a long time. It's not like in popular culture where you cry a little bit at the funeral and then have "closure" and away the grief goes into a neat little box never to be seen again. There's a lot of pressure in Western culture to grieve in an unnatural emotionless way that doesn't reflect how humans actually grieve. It takes a long time.

What you're feeling is normal - please don't feel you're grieving incorrectly or that there's something wrong with you for having these thoughts and feelings. You're approaching the first anniversary and that can be difficult - there are points where the shock fades and it starts to feel real that this is permanent. I had those feelings, others have had those feelings, you're not alone in struggling with the realisation that he really is gone.

One thing that helped me was to understand that our relationship with someone doesn't end when they die. It changes because they're not physically present, but it doesn't end. You don't have to try and box away your dad and leave him behind as some sort of neat parcel of grief - you can carry him with you throughout the rest of your life. He has shaped the person you are and the person you'll be in future. You can revisit your memories of him, you can ask yourself what advice he might give or what anecdote he might share in different situations. You can talk out loud to him if it helps you. In future when the pain is more bearable you can talk to others about him. You can continue to bring him with you.

He's not physically present anymore, and for that I am so sorry, but your relationship continues and you can continue to carry him with you in your life.

If you haven't had any contact with bereavement organisations, I would encourage you to explore any support they can offer you when you feel ready. In particular, there's Cruse, Sue Ryder and Marie Curie who all have different types of bereavement support available to anyone.

And please don't give yourself a hard time for how you're feeling 💐

Hi OP, my Dad died when I was a similar age to you, it broke me in two, I was heartbroken.
Many years have passed now, I now have my own family, and although I get a lump in my throat at certain unexpected times when something is happening that I know he would love to be here for, my life has grown around my grief.
You may hear people say "you will get over it" or "time heals"...it doesn't, you will never "get over it", how can you? It's your dad. What I believe does happen is your life moves forward slowly and starts to grow around your grief. If you can , please look up Lois Tonkins model of grief, it will explain it visually.
I second seeking out some counselling help. Cruse bereavement care were fantastic with me, so much so I trained as a counsellor myself.
Please be easy on yourself, celebrate your dad and your love for him, and I hope you can take some reassurance from knowing there is help out there. Take care.