What do you do when you're grieving but have no respite? I'm really struggling

[ForeverWashingUp]

My mum passed away 3 weeks ago. She had many different health problems, but her death was sudden. I was there when she passed which I'm also struggling with.

It's been a really difficult few weeks trying to support my dad and get through everything that needs to be done admin wise, as he's struggling to cope with it all.

I'm finding it really hard at the moment to process what's happened and grieve properly and I think it's partly because I'm a single parent and my child doesn't have any siblings.
My son is 10 and has been absolutely brilliant, shown such care towards me, I'm so proud of him for displaying emotional intelligence far beyond his years. I've obviously shown emotion in front of him, when I told him the news and when I've had to take difficulty phone calls, but I've really pushed down my emotions during the day because I know if I start crying I won't stop. He's only 10 and I just don't feel it's fair for him to see me so distraught and not know how to cope with that. He doesn't have another parent in the house to go to, or a sibling to distract himself with, so it just feels really intense. I'm getting by with going into the bathroom to have a silent sob every now and then, but I can't keep leaving him by himself whenever I feel a wave of emotion.

My own sibling has a husband and more than one child and they have had time to go and be by themselves when things got too much as their kids can be looked after it distracted and I'm finding the lack of this unit really hard.

I just feel so much guilt and like I'm not going to process what's happened properly because I can't go through the grieving process in a more productive way. I just sit and cry when he's in bed.

Friends have offered to look after my son to give me some space which is lovely, but then I feel like I'm palming him off when he feels sad too.

I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe just some advice on how to do this. He's just finished primary school, she died the week before so I had to keep all jolly and upbeat for his final week, play and prom etc and it's his birthday next week. I want it to be special and for these big life events to not be overshadowed by my grief.
I just feel like I'm not coping.

I'm so sorry.

Have you been able to talk to your GP? Please try and make an appointment. See if they can refer you to Cruse for bereavement counselling.

I wonder if Age UK/their helpline might have sone advice on people who could support your dad with paperwork etc.

And are any of your son's friends around this summer - could he go out with friends for the day just to allow you a bit more time? I know that I would happily have helped out if I had a child your son's age.

I know none of this is a fix but maybe if you felt you had more people in your corner it might help a little.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

This is for Cruse and please let your GP know you are struggling .
If you have a friend who has a child your son's age I would say it would be fine for an afternoon or so to help you have some space just to take in what's happening , as it's very early stages and your brain needs to process a lot and also have some periods of not processing and just grieving . Sending

Thank you so much for replying.

I've not spoken to my GP, it's been so non stop with everything that needs to be arranged, I've not even thought to do it, but perhaps I should.

I think most things are pretty much covered now and I did think about contacting a charity to help my dad, but he's very old school about these types of things and I don't think he'd be open to letting strangers in, if that makes sense. As horrible as it sounds, I've never felt closer to him than I do now. He's completely opened up to me and he's never in all of my life shown such raw emotion in front of me. I'm glad he's felt able to though.

I have had offers of help, but I'm just so aware that he's hurting too and it feels like I'm ignoring that by sending him off with someone else. We are incredibly close and he's very astute when it comes to my feelings too.
Sorry, I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, I just don't know how to balance what he needs with what I do too.

Thank you so much for posting, it really means a lot ❤️

OP I second what pp have said. First stop GP and referral for counselling. DH lost his mum a year ago and he carried on going for the sake of his dad etc and in the end he had a minor breakdown. He was signed off work for a a few weeks and started counselling and he's much much better now he's had time to process his grief.

You are not superwoman and can't support your dad without support yourself.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself

Also wanted to add that FIL who is also very old school attended a support group much to our surprise and it's helped him immensely.

Sorry for your loss OP, in addition to PP suggestions, I think you should also lean on your friends and take the offer of support for your DS. Allow yourself time to grieve, cry, shout or scream. You aren't palming DS off, you need to be kind to yourself.

I don't think you should view your son going to spend some time with friends as 'palming him off'. If he is happy to go, it might be good for you both. You get a breather and a chance for some much needed time for yourself. He gets a bit of normality, fun and time away from overhearing phone calls regarding funeral arrangements etc.

I am so sorry you are struggling...it sounds like you could really do with some help..
Please don't feel you are 'palming' him off if you accept offers from friends..
I remember only 2 days after my friend's DD died aged 8, her DS who was best friends with my own son just turned up in our garden. He just played and ate and acted like the 10 year old he was... I actually think that is what he needed... some 'normality'.
Please remember that children can grieve very differently from adults..
Sending hugs ❤️

Thank you all for your kindness and advice ❤️
I honestly hadn't even though about counselling for myself, it's my poor dad that I've been focusing on, I suppose I just felt I had to get on with it looking after my son, I've got a distraction I suppose, but my dad's on his own for the first time in 50 years. I'll get into GP next week.

DS is currently out playing with his friends so I am having a bit of time to myself, but I appreciate I probably need more.

Thank you again for all of your support and advice, other than my nan passing 20 years ago, this is the first experience I've had losing someone so close to me and it's lonely and so very difficult, so thank you x

Please accept the help from your friends to look after your son.

You are not palming him off, you are taking up the offer of help so you can build your your resources. He will be fine, you are clearly a present parent.

Don't be a martyr. Accept the help.

I gave myself space and time every day to grieve and start to heal. It helped knowing I had designated time rather than trying to push down my feelings. Eventually I didn't need it but by the end I found that it became a reflection of my love rather than sharp awful raw grief. It's hard

And definitely accept all the help you're offered. You're not palming him off anymore than a play date is palming off. It'll do you both good

OP - what the others have said. Spending time with friends is normal in the school holidays. In other years you might have used the time for extra cleaning or a hospital appointment. This is just a more serious need.

You can reciprocate in future even if that’s quite far ahead I don’t mean even this year. (maybe you’ve already been there for these friends).

Accept all the help you're offered. Ask for help from friends who say "what can I do, just tell me". This will be a long slog but you need some time to just sit with your feelings and your grief. Please don't push it down because it will always go somewhere. Sending you love ❤️

Thank you, I'll contact some friends to arrange something for next week.
As stupid as it sounds, I think I needed permission do it. Not thinking very rationally at the moment, I'm not intentionally bring a martyr, just trying to minimise any more hurt. But I'll definitely do it x

No, I get it. I lost my Mum last year and I powered through because I felt ok. Until I didn't. I literally crawled under my bed one day because it all got too much. No one would give me permission to stop because I convinced them I was ok. In the end, I realised that hyperventilating while looking and the underneath of my mattress wasn't normal behaviour and I got myself signed off work for a month.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last month and, although I don't have the additional responsibility of being a parent myself, can absolutely empathise with the pressure to support your living parent and the different challenges of experiencing grief without a partner. It is so tough to feel like you're doing right by everyone and make sure you're doing right by yourself too.

I agree with everything previous posters have said about taking friends up on their offers to care for your son. Space to process things separately and in your different roles (daughter rather than mum, grandson rather than son) will hopefully be really useful for both of you.

The other thing I'd share from my experience is that it's worth having honest and direct conversations with your family if/where you can. Is your sister sharing in the support of your Dad? Would you be able, at the appropriate time, to sit together with them and discuss what may help him and how he can communicate that? It may take some pressure off the feeling that you need to be there for him constantly or anticipate his needs.

Could your son spend time with his cousins at your sister's house and vice versa so you can all have rest time?

I hope you get the time you need soon, but please also try and be kind to yourself - you're not at your best and you are absolutely doing your best.

@ForeverWashingUp I'm so so sorry for your loss. I would recommend contacting cruse bereavement, they are really helpful and a lot of groups are online. It must be so frantic just now trying to get organised. Regards your son does he need to talk about it?? Or is he putting on a brave face for your sake?? It might help if you sit down and have a cry together, please don't think you have to hide away. When I lost my mum I had moments where I had to sit down and cry, my sons were fantastic x take care of yourself, lovely. Sending 🫂🙏❤️

So sorry for your loss.
My mum died two years ago - very suddenly. I am the parent/carer to two small disabled kiddos, and I also care for my DF. Grieving didn't really get space to happen until I started bereavement counselling about 8 months after she'd died, and it was really helpful to have time carved out for it every week.
I remember feeling a lot of guilt and panic that I wasn't like 'making time' for grief in the immediate aftermath but the reality is that our caring responsibilities don't just suddenly cease to exist. I wish I'd been much kinder to myself.

I'd reframe the offer of having your son from 'palming him off' to 'giving him time out of the house to enjoy himself'. It will of course help you too. My sincerest condolences @ForeverWashingUp

I lost my dad suddenly last year, we were inseparable and I got there as he was being given CPR and they called time. It will haunt me forever.

I'm 30 and a foster carer, unfortunately there is no leave from my job. I love my 'job' it's a way of life, a choice and it's so rewarding however at the time I cared for three infants all with additional needs. Cared about them immensely but I had to carry on, it was a blessing in a way as kept me very busy however I'm also aware I had no time at all to grieve and it hits me all the time. I had three days 'break' but I concentrated all my time and effort on looking after my mom.

I feel for you so much, sorry for your loss. Please look after yourself and allow yourself the time to feel your valid emotions and grieve. Sending you lots of love xx

I know you may not return to this thread but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your mum. Don't put pressure on yourself to grieve "properly" - grief is messy and different for everyone. You're only a few weeks on, it's normal to be shell shocked still. Carrying on initially can be a protective response until we're ready to start feeling the loss.

Be kind to yourself.

And @timetostartbeingme I'm really really sorry about your dad too. I don't think grief is something that has a completion timescale, it's okay to grieve over a longer time period. It's been a long time since I lost my parents and the sorrow still takes my breath away sometimes.

I hope that when you have those times when the grief hits you that you're able to give yourself the same love and kindness you offered to others here.