Who can you really rely on?

[Gruffalo21]

My mum died suddenly end of march. Was a terrible time for us as a family and individuals. I feel like I have come out of the dark wood of grief and shock after having counselling and my work has been very supportive. I have a supportive husband and small circle friends.

But.... Has anyone else found that in the later stages of grief, you come to realise that you can only really rely on yourself and a very small circle of trusted friends and family to support you at your lowest points?
I don't want this to turn into a rant, but we have recently seen my parents in law who have a history of being selfish, tactless and caused my DH to fall out with his brother (still broken relationship)
MIL didn't even ask me how I was, my return to work plans, how my little boy is etc. Just simple empathy you might expect from a MIL?
Sister is extremely sensitive and still finding the grief difficult to deal with as well. No empathy from her recently when I really needed it one day.

I don't know what I want from this post other than to ask, has anyone else found that in a life changing moment/ circumstances, you really realise what is important and who truly supports "you"?
I've made a conscious effort to not put myself around people who don't make me feel good, and stop wasting my time with people who see my situation as an opportunity to feel better about their own lives. You also see when your life is turned upside down, other people don't like it as it upsets what they want or were getting from you?
I'm in my late 30s but feel like I have grown up and learnt to trust my instinct now more than ever.

Hugs to anyone who needs it.

X

I discovered after DH died earlier this year that I have absolutely no one.
The people I thought would be there for me most pretty much vanished, apart from the occasional text.
Sorry for your loss

Well yes, but why expect anyone else to be there? Most people only have a few good friends - maybe just one or two - the rest are situational or acquaintances.
When my DH passed away the first few weeks lots of condolences etc, but it was really two friends and immediate family who then talked about it beyond that. But I didn't expect anything more - what do you want people to do? I'd hate it if everyone constantly asked how I was 'coping' etc. I don't want to revisit the emotion all the time!

I am so,so sorry for the loss of your DM when you are only in thirties. Yes I think it’s true. Friends I thought of as very close didn’t really give support (practical emotional or anything else) when DH very seriously ill, but family and other friends were amazing.

It was very disillusioning and has really made me wonder how deep friendships are. I feel as a friend I do check in with people, listen and try to be empathetic as well as do anything practical, but not everyone gives to the same level. It’s sad, but I am so grateful for those who went above and beyond to show care and kept us going. (DH fine now). I now spend more time with the people that were more genuine friends.

Alas ultimately we can only rely on ourselves

I realised years ago that even if you are lucky there is only a very small group of friends you can rely on. Most are just people you know/ go out with. I never get any empathy from my sister at all. I am sorry for your loss at such a young age. Probably your friends are young too and not used to dealing with death. Concentrate on yourself and your little boy for the present and gradually build a new life. I wish you well.

I’m afraid people who have been through it are your best bet, and at your age not many will have lost a mum yet. Far and away the bereaved have been the best support. Sorry for your loss. This was me two years ago but I have to say the first 18 months are the hardest. I’m quite happy these days. The days I could cope were the days I woke up feeling ok and absolutely ran with it, and then I let myself have a grief day now and again where I’d lie on the sofa watching shit films and painting my nails. It’s exhausting but you will get through it, I promise. Bit by bit the bad days become slightly less and the normal days emerge and you find a new balance.

Despite being married and having adult children, the only person I trust is DM, and when she’s gone I’ll have no one.
Sorry for your loss.

I think you are doing quite well if you have husband, very close family and friends, your work have been good. Your in laws sound a bit rubbish but you said yourself your sister is struggling too so maybe she can't give you want you want. If I meet someone I know, i don't necessarily ask them about their private business because it can feel intrusive . In fact after bereavement I found it really difficult if I was OK, having a better day and then someone randomly asked and it felt like a kick in the guts , took me back. Its a long road and everyone else has their own priorities and does their best mostly, and yes at the end of the day you've got to come to terms with what's happened in your own way.
It's still early days for you, it's a traumatic and hard stage of life .

Exactly. That's something I have known for decades.

I don't rely on anyone, but it feels cruel to be discarded by people you thought cared when you're at your most vulnerable.

My in-laws did exactly this - I can't forgive them and their part in our lives is almost nil as a result. Frankly you reap what you sow.

I'm sorry you've been through so much, keep focusing on you and those who continue to be part of the supportive and loving circle you've created

Totally agree with FeckOffLads my best support comes from people whose partners have died. I am now 2 years on but am still devastated and lonely. However I feel I can genuinely understand how people feel after their loved ones have died.
Gruffolo21 keep your chin up people do care but don’t know how wretched you feel💔

Sadly I think it is the case that there are very few people you can really rely on. When my father died no one at work mentioned it, even though I had to take quite a bit of time off for various things. One ‘close’ friend didn’t even mention it and changed the subject if I did. My sister showed no empathy at all. I rely on my children and OH mainly. There is no one else I really trust . I have one good friend who I have spent hours listening to about the same circular problems. When I try to talk to her about mine, she brushes me off. It’s changed my attitude to her .

I’m so sorry. Sending you hugs.

I understand you OP. My beloved gran died last year and those who I hoped I could rely on and who would rally round (family) just didn’t rise to the occasion. They let me down with their stiff upper lip and stoicism and I have had no support.
My village became my close friends and my church family. Don’t know where I would have been without them.

Thankyou for all your lovely replies. I really appreciate them.
I have learnt recently I am too forgiving and give too much of myself to others with nothing in return. Yes it's a nice trait to have (?!) but I am guarding it closely now.

Best wishes to you all whatever is happening in your life x

Same. It was a major reason for me realising how abusive and uncaring my (now ex) husband really was. Losing a much loved parent is hard. You do learn to live with it though, hang in there. 💐

Can relate. It's like a period of recalibration for relating to people. They're not all where I'd have thought. Some friends have really been there for me and I'm so grateful. Others I guess I feel surprised they don't really ever ask how I'm doing or how my dad is or whatever, since the early days. As they're nice people and I them see a lot- kids playdates, local drinks etc. But I know some people feel like bringing it up might be upsetting so they might be afraid. Personally I'd rather they asked, it makes me feel seen, but even from this thread not everyone feels that way. In one way it's disappointing but in another i guess it's ok- not all friends can be those ones who really lean in.

I think it's different when it's in-laws though. We recently saw my MIL, SIL and BIL for the first time since I lost my mum (we don't live near them) and none of them said anything. They'd each sent a WhatsApp at the time, that's the sum total of acknowledgement and I think that's crap. Even if it's uncomfortable or you don't really know what to say, you should absolutely make that effort and go there.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. My mum died in March too xx

i’m very sorry for the loss of your mum and the difficult time you’ve been through.

Sadly your experience is all too common. Grief is a very lonely place and this abandonment by friends and family adds an extra, complicating layer of loss and disorientation.

But.... Has anyone else found that in the later stages of grief, you come to realise that you can only really rely on yourself and a very small circle of trusted friends and family to support you at your lowest points?

@Gruffalo21 yes absolutely. You, me and lots of people. There are many threads on a similar theme in this MN section.

I think there are lots of reasons for this in death especially death of a parent
one is that some people are a central pivot in a wheel that is holding the whole thing together. this is typical of mothers and fathers - they are the connection between siblings, grandparents, grandchildren, nephews nieces and so on. the loss of the centre is literally like the spokes of a wheel falling apart.

two is that it really crystalises relationships between children and parent. if there were any issues, they many not have been massively apparent as day to day life was functional because the child thinks they will address it tomorrow. Now that chance has gone and the relationships is now frozen in a bad dynamic that becomes very very obvious with the ruminations of grief.This can cause resentment betweene siblings if some have good relationships with the dead parent and some have weaker ones.

three is lots of people are scared of grief, don't know what to say and are uncomfortable so run away.

four is that its easy to mistake friends of convenience for real friends. they were never real friends but you were functioning under that illusion because they seemed to be a good friend. The work friend you see all the time for example - the regularity of contact and the fact you get on well makes you think its a true friendship. but if you left work you may be shocked at how it dwindles. a true crisis like bereavement can expose the weaker friendships for what they are.
so it's not so much people deserting you but that they weren't good friends to start with.

grief is miserable and truly sucks. time is the only thing to help. sorry for your loss and wish you a healed heart in due course.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you were hurt and let down by the people around you. As another pp says, it is cruel.

I lost my sister last year and the hurt of discovering that I have nobody in my life who cares about me at all makes the grief so much worse. Spending the anniversary alone because my friends have discarded me was soul crushing. I'm in my 30s too and I don't understand how my sister and parents can all have died and that none of the people I thought were my friends even care about me.

Instead of support, the people I thought cared about me and would be there have completely ghosted me. I can't understand what I've done to deserve such cruelty. I'm not a perfect person but I don't think I deserved this. I keep looking at the future and wondering what the point is if I'm so unlikeable that people would hurt me like this.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses and for everyone who relates to this hurt. I don't understand humans.

Sorry for your loss, OP. But your MIL is only in your life by accident, because of who you married — mine has never made any secret of having preferred DH’s pervious girlfriend. Empathy isn’t exactly built in to a chance relationship. And your sister is grieving herself, and clearly not in a place where she can offer support? It sounds as if you have other people who are better able to give what you need.

This ^^!
In the past I have invested too much into my friends and relationships. I used to check in on them “Are you ok (name?)” But I don’t anymore.
Fortunately I like my own company.

Im sorry for your loss. I know how hard it can be.

That's really awful of them not to support you. ☕🍰

That's really awful of them not to support you. ☕🍰

If you don't get on with your husbands parents why would you want them to be fake and show faux sympathy?

I'm sorry for your loss but you knew what they were like.