How do I get past this stage?

[Catchlock]

My Daddy died in 2019.
He was my favourite person in the world.
I loved him with every piece of me.

Since he has been gone, I've been "caring" for my mother. He spent his life trying to make her happy. He worked his fingers to the bone doing what he could for a quiet life and she was never happy.

I'm seeing now exactly what shite he had to put up with and I don't blame him for dying suddenly. He needed a rest!

She had dementia now and all her scheming and emotional blackmail is worse than ever. She hasn't lost her memories but her cognitive ability is impaired so she can't deal with small problems or issues.

She never talks positively about my dad. She couldn't wait to clear the house after he died.

I'm resenting her a lot at the moment and I need to get past it. Can any one tell me how?

Hello

I could have written this post myself. My Dad passed away a few years ago. My Mother didn't handle the grieving process well.

According to her I am the worst daughter possible. As an only child I seemed to take the brunt of her behaviour.

You need to enforce strict boundaries. Do you live with her? If so I would think about moving out. Do you have any siblings? You could benefit from sharing the responsibility.

Also please put yourself first. Treat yourself occasionally. Do not let her negative emotions influence your lifestyle.

Hi. Thanks it's tough isn't it.
I don't live with her I'm married and have my own family. I was brought up feeling like I was never doing enough to help her or in the house. So it's not new for me and in fact I didn't realise it was not normal until my husband began to tentatively point out the things she was saying were shitty.

I have no idea where to start to set boundaries. I really thought it was a stage of grief. I'm so sad that my dad had to put up with her. I'm angry at her for not treating him better.

Big hugs.
I'd suggest there's actually a lot going on for you here.
Two things.
Your relationship with your DM. Listen to your DH, it sounds like he has the measure of the situation and your welfare at heart. It's very hard looking after our elders and you do need to put yourself first some of the time and prioritise your own family. Set your boundaries and keep to them.
What that actually looks like depends on your circumstances and what time and energy you have.
Your feelings about your parents relationship - we can never really know what a relationship is like from the inside. Their relationship was something that existed before you were born and the reasons for them staying together are theirs alone. She may not have treated him well but he was an adult with free will and autonomy..
It's lovely you have such fond memories - although it does make the loss hard. Maybe you should talk to someone about your feelings to unpick them a bit?

I'm sorry, it's horrible. I'm sorry for & about your Dad. I miss mine terribly as well.

the only things I can suggest are setting as many boundaries as you can, for yourself!

& finding a good counsellor to talk to.

oh & lots of hugs

best wishes xx

Thank you.

I can't believe I had t really thought about their relationship like that. Yes he was an adult and I guess he had his reasons.

I think I'm going to look into therapy. I would really hate to turn out like her.