My mother hid her cancer

[Helloyou111]

Just wondering if anyone went through the same thing and how you ever got over it . It’s been 2 years since my mother died . it all happened so fast and unexpectedly. My mum collapsed at my grandfathers funeral ( her dad ) rushed to hospital where we found out she had a lump she had been hiding for some time . Turned out to be cancer but by this point it had spread to her brain etc , she died 9 days later . I can’t even explain how it felt . The shock , the grief , the anger and guilt all consumed me and still haunts me . I was also heavily pregnant so she never got to meet her niece . Not to mention going through an abusive relationship and a house move . I felt angry with her for leaving the way she did but also so upset for not asking for help . A million emotions ran through me and still do . I keep seeing her one eye bulging as she neared death now and it haunts me . She was everything to me and now I’m left with a massive hole I keep trying to fill . I don’t have any support here as she was my rock and now it’s gone . I keep thinking I should have noticed how she seemed more confused some days ( I thought maybe she was just tired ) or I shouldn’t have asked her for help with the kids sometimes as I don’t know how she coped helping . My little girl cries all the time over missing her Nana and it breaks my heart all over again and again . My baby looks just like her which is bitter sweet but a constant reminder of what they have both missed - that bond . I don’t know if it’s normal to still have all these feelings or I need help . I miss her every single day and every day something reminds me of her . 😞

thank you for your kind message . I’ve never been to therapy for anything before so I think it’s definitely something I need to look at . ❤️

Really sorry you went through this. It must have been awful.

I went to a talk by a nurse who specialises in helping those at the end of life whivh I found really helpful (I was being investigated for possible cancer at the time) who explained that many of the symptoms that happen at the end of life are a lot more distressing for observers than they are for the person who is dying. You might find it helpful to talk with a grief counsellor to help you process you experience.

With your daughter, one of three things are happening. Either you are projecting your feelings onto her and perceiving her as more upset than she is, or you are regularly talking to her about your mum and that's upsetting her (probably more because she is imagining the horror of her own mum dying i.e you, rather than directly about grandma), or she feels she needs to act upset for your benefit.

Children do not constantly cry aout missing a grandparent who died two years ago if they have been properly supported through the grief of losing them. Your child probably also needs some professional support to understand that it's ok to ackowledge that something was sad and then go out into life and live happily.