My son's estranged dad has died unexpectedly

[Alittlelostsometimes]

I'm still in a sort of shocked yet numb state. Ds met his dad once as a baby. His dad for whatever reason didn't want to be involved in his life. I've posted about this before but not for sometime as I spent years trying to work out how a man could ignore his son's existence.
I had a phone call tonight to say he had died unexpectedly. There is no obvious reason for him to die and he was only 50.
I loved my son's dad very much and had known him for over 30 years. We split up before my son was born but our time together was happy. I talk about him to ds and share positive stories and memories.

How the hell do I tell ds? How do I help him? He was already struggling at times with not having a dad in his life. That was hard enough to navigate but now he will never have the chance to speak to him, see him, get to know him, get some answers. I always thought that maybe once ds was older he'd ask to contact his dad. He said last month that he'd like to see him one day. I used to daydream about just turning up on the doorstep even though I never would have done. I really wanted him to see how amazing ds is. Now he never will.

I'm so sorry, what an awful phone call to receive and I understand how your thoughts must be in a tailspin right now. Your son will have some difficult times ahead but with your help will navigate through. I think we are conditioned to want closure/the end of a story/ understanding of why someone has taken the action they have and to know you and your son will never get this is very hard.
Your son's father might never have accepted a relationship with your son though and this way it stops years of trying and failing to build a connection which can ruin a child's self esteem.
Do you have anyone to support you?

Thank you for your reply. I don't really have anybody. I'm on my own at home with the dc.
Ds went through a phase of being really anxious about me dying and death in general so I'm worried his this will affect him. He's too young to think about his he'll never get that closure now but he will be thinking that he will never be able to meet him.
Then there's the question of the funeral. He lived far away but easily accessible and I don't know when the funeral will be.

I'm sorry you don't have anyone to give you support. Please keep posting here and people with much more understanding and experience will come along and give you advice in the morning.
Possibly not practical but if you can take your son to the funeral I would (as long as there would be no hostility from your ex's family). It might help for your son in later times.

That's very sad. How old is your DS now?

He's 9. I don't even know how he feels about his dad.

I feel a bit angry this morning which I know is natural. He didn't take care of his health and I always feared he would die. I think he did swap smoking to vaping a few years back but had smoked from an early age and his lungs were terrible. His lifestyle was far from healthy and I feel quite angry that he's 3 dc that are now without a dad and especially that ds will now never know him.
I'm going to tell ds soon. I've no idea how he will react.

Would you consider going to the funeral?
I know it might be difficult but perhaps you would be able to speak to some of his family who may want to create a relationship with your son in the future?

I am thinking about it but not sure I'd be welcome. I'd have to take ds with me because I've got nobody to look after him. When I told him I was pregnant my ex told me he'd considered killing himself and that maintenance was going to financially ruin him. I don't think he was very complementary about me to anyone in his circle even though I was friends with his family and friends. Ds has two half brothers who he has never met. They are adults and ds is meeting the younger one this summer. They have video called and stuff before and have a good relationship as far as you can with someone you've never met.it was his brother that called me to tell me. My ex's ex-wife has been fantastic over the years sending gifts for Ds and my other dc. She wanted the lads to have a relationship once older and thanks to her they have.

Does anyone have any idea how long it would take between now and the funeral? They don't know when he died yet so there will need to be a post mortem. He was young and not expected to die and I expect that will delay things if the coroner needs to be involved. I think it was nearly 2 weeks between my dad dying and the funeral and that was an expected, attended death on the palliative care pathway.

Gentle bump

The person paying the funeral director can choose when it is. Dh had a post mortem as he died unexpectedly. We had the funeral about a month after he died as his family needed to apply for visas to come here from south africa, so would have missed it if we'd had it quickly.

What a shock for you. And hard to break the news to ds.

Who called you with the news op? Was it a family member of your ex or a friend? I'm just wondering if the person would let you know about funeral arrangements or if there's a "way in" to his family somehow there. Maybe ds would in time like some photos or to talk to someone who knew his dad recently.

I don't think I'd take him to the funeral if I wasn't sure of a positive reception. That would be hard.

Are all 3 of his kids yours or is there another family in the same situation as you?

Sorry for all the questions.

Funerals could be as quick as a week but much longer depending on circumstances. It's impossible to say. Or there might not be a service at all if he didn't want one or didn't leave much money.

My ex's ex-wife has been fantastic over the years sending gifts for Ds and my other dc. She wanted the lads to have a relationship once older and thanks to her they have.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP, you sound bereft and why wouldn't you? You had a relationship, it was valid and you put your all into it.

Your ex's ex-wife sounds marvellous. Can you maintain a relationship with her, grow it even? Not having a feckless father around is hard but if there are people in your child's life who will add their own relationship into your children's lives - mingled with their children too - then that is absolutely worth having.

From my own experience, you gain your own sense of closure for a relationship that never was. Although, I am not 9. I'm sorry for your son and also for you.

Winston's Wish is a charity that might be able to help you with ways to approach the loss of his Dad with your young son. This must be a very difficult time for you @Alittlelostsometimes .

Second Winston’s wish. Sorry for your loss.

Check out winstons wish they may have some guidance on what to tell him and how.
I feel for him. My son hasn't seen his dad for 4 years but wishes he had a dad like other families sometimes. I dread having the same conversation at some point as his dad is very unhealthy.
I am sorry you are dealing with this.

A big shock. Seek some support eg winstons wish

Thank you. I told ds earlier. I know both adult children although I haven't seen them since before ds was born. I also know ex's ex and her dh along with ex's dad and siblings. I had a lovely message from his eldest earlier.
I loved him deeply and although he couldn't be a dad to ds he wasn't a bad person and I have lots of great memories. I'm just upset that ds will now never have that.

I think it's he can go to the funeral if would be good in the long run. It's a memory of his dad or some sort, and there will be a eulogy to help that. He will also get to build a relationship with his brothers based on this intense shared experience /memory. Obviously if the brothers or ex wife don't want him there then don't go but if they do then I would definitely take him.

At the moment he's not wanting to go to the funeral. I do think it would be good for him to do so though. He's worried it will make him more sad. I think the finality of it and seeing his brothers would be good for him to share that experience even though it will be a sad one it will be a bond between them. I feel the need to go for myself, to say my goodbyes, for my actions.to say that he mattered and was part of my life and that I saw him as important as Ds's dad even if they had no relationship. I'm a lot more upset than anyone might have thought including me but he really did mean a lot to me and was there to pick me up when my life fell apart many years ago.

I'd take him to the funeral because it will be the only opportunity for your son to learn about their dad on a day focused only on that.
My mum died when I was a little younger and you thirst for knowledge and stories about them.
Even if you can just take peoples names and contact details who would be willing to talk about him would be helpful. Stories of when he was young. His adventures etc.

My 9yr old DD's Dad has been awol since she was 1 so I can relate to how things have been over the years. I must say though, I don't think I would tell DD just yet, if I discovered her Dad was gone. I'd be worried that it would create mental health issues for her. Make her resentful of why she wasn't able to see him before he died etc.
It's not that I'd want to lie to her but I don't think 9 is an idea age to be dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions that grief is. Obviously some children have no choice but to be faced with grief but it wouldn't hurt to wait a few years.
Having said that though, my DD is definitely not mature enough to cope with attending a funeral so that may be influencing my view slightly.

I could never withhold such important information from ds and I've already told him. He'd have resented me if I didn't tell him and how would I hide how upset I am. I loved his dad very much.

I'd agree. Bigger issues would be created by him later finding out you didn't tell him.

I'm sorry for your loss - really rough times for you both

There are some positives coming out of the darkness. Ds has now met some of his family and is forming bonds with siblings. We are still in shock and I've had a week or so of denial and numbness that is now giving way to sadness again mixed with anger. The funeral date has yet to be set but ds and I will be going and he will meet more family and have the opportunity to see where his dad lived and learn more about him than I can tell him.
I have so many questions that can now never be answered.