Is there a bereavement/grief thread for loss of a teenage child/young person?

[messyhairmessyhouse]

We lost our daughter suddenly (although she had been ill for a long time) a few months ago. Now the funeral is out of the way everything feels so empty and I wondered if there was any ongoing threads for loss of a child, where we can keep posting on rather than me doing a one off thread.

I am so sorry for your DD and your family

Hi @messyhairmessyhouse so sorry for your loss. How old was your daughter? Do you want to say a little bit about her?

We lost our two year eleven month old daughter, very suddenly too, at the end of January. She had a genetic malformation in her lungs that meant she was more likely to get cancer but no one expected it so early or quickly. Before January she was a perfect, cheeky, smart and funny little girl. We miss her so much

I know what you mean, when you get back to your ‘normal’ life you feel that loss so much more, it’s such a big hole that’s been left and there’s nothing that will fill it.

I’ve been going to coffee mornings with a nearby children’s hospice we were referred to after her death. It’s been so helpful to have that to get to each month and talk to people that understand

Is there anything you want to talk about?

I have searched and haven't been able to find one. I lost my 13 year old son to cancer in April. I would love to join a thread specifically for teen loss.

Or any child loss really. I have found most bereavement groups to mostly discuss stillbirth, which I feel is a different type of loss that I can't relate to.

Hi @Downtoyou Jake’s celebration of life sounded beautiful. How have you been getting on?

I agree when I looked on child bereavement uk it was all about stillbirth or a couple months old. I lost a whole person with an amazing personality and communication and so so many memories. I’d love to talk to people who are also navigating that

I think I’m going to have a difficult day today, I went to a memory day put on by the hospice yesterday. It was lovely but it’s out of routine and I’m struggling to get back to my distraction techniques

@SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness thank you, it really was an incredible day.

I'm sorry you are finding today difficult. Have you had any bereavement counselling? It is something I have been thinking about. I feel the same surrounding bereavement groups, there was someone on one mourning the loss of an 8 week miscarriage and although I feel for anyone going through that, it's just not the same. Jake had a whole personality, he was the noisiest person in our house and everything is so quiet now. I miss the school run, dropping him off at all his clubs and chatting to the other parents, I have lost a huge part of my life. At the moment I can't remember what his voice sounds like, and that has been upsetting me, it's like I have just blocked it out.

I am doing okay. I am going back to work at the end of the month, I feel like I need routine back, but I'm nervous. I am worried about my concentration levels and I don't want people to feel awkward around me. My daughter has gone on holiday for 2 weeks so it is just me alone in the house, and I am struggling with that. My friend came to stay with me and said she could feel a lot of energy in my house, and now I can't sleep! I haven't felt anything like that but now feel spooked. She is into all spiritual stuff and I am not really, I just feel that he has gone and that's it, although I am trying to be open minded.

I am going to spend a few days away with another friend next week to have a change of scenery before going back to work, and so I am not home alone.

@SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness @Downtoyou

I'm so sorry you have both suffered an enormous loss as well. I've been feeling really mean and unkind being frustrated at finding so much support and posts for miscarriage and stillbirth, obviously I'm so pleased that those affected will have that support but it's just so different than mourning a child/young adult. When my daughter was alive and needing support it always felt that we fell between the cracks and it kind of feels that way now with the bereavement, Isla had a chronic illness which while a disability didn't have the issues that the disabled children/families groups seemed to have but equally she didn't get to live a full life after the age of 6 as she was ill.

Isla had ME from when she was 6, she faced years of disbelief, we had a nightmare with a range of professionals , few of which seemed to actually want to help as they considered her difficulties to be more mental health difficulties than a physical illness. She had so many bad experiences with school, medical professionals, mental health professionals, it left her broken. She slowly became more ill and developed two comorbid conditions. She hadn't left the house since Dec 2019 as she became housebound and in her last few months bedbound. While she was very poorly she shouldn't have died but she did, we don't know exactly why yet as are still waiting for a cause of death. She was let down by so many people and of course I feel that I let her down too. It was my job to keep her safe and well and I didn't.

Her funeral was a month ago and now it feels like everyone has moved on and gone back to normal and we're just trying to find our way.

I am so sorry to hear Isla's story. She sounds like she went through a great deal and she must have been a very strong character to have struggled through all that. It sounds like she is at peace now though and that the struggle was just going to get worse and worse for her, the poor thing. Sending

Thanks @Downtoyou some days are just horrible but at least now I get a break in between and I can feel the bad ones coming

I actually started counselling last Monday and had my second session today. I think it’s really nice to have that dedicated time to talk all about what happened, all the sad things, all the things you miss etc etc to get it all out with someone who is completely focused on you and isn’t worrying about what to say to cheer you up or to distract you who let’s you sit in that sadness and tells you it’s completely normal to feel how ever you feel

Such a huge part and to go from all that to nothing so quickly is so so difficult and so unfair.
It is so scary isn’t it to think you might forget all the little things. That they might come back when you aren’t just trying to get through the days but that they might not. I block Isabelle out so much to just keep moving forwards but whenever a memory pops in my head I write it down on my phone so that I have a massive list of things to jog my memory when I’m ready

Sounds good to get a routine in place and also you can always check back out again if it isn’t the right thing for you, if you need more time. I’ve found that people will happily follow your lead if you want to act like normal and be in a bubble at work they’ll do the same

Yes I can imagine being alone at the minute is really hard, well done for putting things in place to help yourself. I feel the same I feel she is just gone that her energy isn’t hanging around me she’s just gone. Can’t decide if I want to feel a presence or not!

A change next week sounds lovely xx

@messyhairmessyhouse I agree I still can’t believe you have this huge horrible thing happen to you and they expect you to just get on with life as if you aren’t completely broken. They offer no help or advice for those first minutes, days, weeks, months they somehow expect you to navigate this massive event all by yourself
I don’t think it’s mean I think you should be able to find just as much support for losing an older child.

I wish I could come give you a hug and cry with you, you have had a brutal time of it. It must have been so hard to fight all the time and then for it to end like this is so cruel. I am so sorry.
It is soul destroying as a parent to know that you couldn’t keep your little one safe and well. That you couldn’t fix everything for them and save them. To keep them in your life and to give them their own amazing life. To see them grow up and see all the things they would do. It’s so sad and so unfair and hurts so much

I hope the cause of death stops some of the what if scenarios for you and gets you some answers

I think people don’t understand even with blocking Isabelle out I could just hear her name in my head over and over again for months. It’s all I thought about without even thinking about it and it doesn’t feel like that much time has passed it still feels like last week

take care of yourself xx

I'm so sorry for your losses. Reddit has a grief support forum and sadly I've seen a lot of parents talking about child loss there. It may be worth a look there too, though I hope you all can continue to support each other on this thread.

OP you have not failed Isla in any way, shape or form. You sound like a fantastic mum and there is no easy way through this. It’s awful to see people ‘carrying on’. There is no ‘should’ in this.
Did you have Isla’s funeral in a church? I only ask as regardless of whether you have beliefs, they can put you in touch with bereavement support services. Our church hosts one, completely religion free (they just use the hall) and it is a safe space to share your pain and get personal support if needed.

I am so very sorry for your loss and, the other parents on this thread.

Debbie Enever runs the Bereaved Parents Club podcast, which you may find helpful. She's also written about her own experience of grief in a beautifully written book Midowed. (Debbie lost her teenage son Dan, he was hit by a car crossing the road).

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

I need to send my nephew a birthday card today, it's the first one I have sent since Jake died. Do I sign it from Jake or just me and my daughter? I don't know what to do. My nephew is 9, I don't want to upset him, but I also don't want Jake to be forgotten.

I am so sorry for the loss of all of your precious children.

My son died 7 years ago, when he was 13. I found great help and support from The Compassionate Friends (TCF) they are a charity for bereaved parents of children of any age, they are run by bereaved parents. I found it so helpful that I now jointly run a monthly support group in the area that I live in. If you contact TCF you will hopefully find a group that is local to you. I found being with other bereaved parents really helped me.

Here is a link to the website The Compassionate Friends
They are a wonderful caring group of people, there is a helpline, local groups, zoom groups and a wealth of information.

@Downtoyou I put my sons initial in a little heart when I sign a card, it includes him as I could not leave him off.

Personally I am very careful about what I post online, however TCF does also run some online forums which you may find helpful.

I think if they were close absolutely put him on there with maybe a picture or some words that would help bring up a happy memory? If you let the parents know they can help find a good time for him to open it in case it does upset him a little
If they weren’t close maybe you could think of something that will represent Jake like a coloured heart or a star?
I wouldn’t worry too much I don’t think you’ll get things perfect the first time, you can only try things and learn from them xx

@SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness @Springertime, thank you for your suggestions. I went with the heart and the initial in the end. Jake's favourite colour was pale blue and we used it as his theme for his celebration of life - he even had a pale blue coffin, so I just did a pale blue heart with the letter J. I think that is what I will do in future, I also let my brother know that I had done that, in case of questions from my nephew.

@Downtoyou sounds like a beautiful way to include Jake. From the few lovely things you’ve said about him I’m sure your family will never forget Jake, he’s in their hearts too xx

Today marks 3 months since Jake passed away and I have been a complete mess since last night. I thought I was starting to turn a corner and had agreed to go back to work on Monday, but now I am not so sure. I can't really afford to stay off any longer though.

I’m so sorry @Downtoyou I think the milestones are always going to be awful but even knowing that you can’t do anything to make it any easier.
I always say to myself that this will pass that I’ll hit the bottom and come back up again that it’ll still be there but I won’t be consumed by it.
In the early days I would tell myself I can’t help being sad but I can choose to be happy, to look for the good moments, the beautiful things and do the things that make me happy
Maybe just take it day by day at work. I don’t think you’ll ever feel ready but it might provide a good routine for you. Maybe ask for a couple extra breaks so you can just go and cry and get it out. I find pretending to be okay for long periods of time has a massive kick back
I hope you get to do some lovely things this weekend and you get through Monday xx

I have been back at work now for 3 weeks and the time has just flown by. It has actually been really good more me, I have enjoyed getting back into everyday life again but I am still struggling with feelings of guilt. I feel like I am moving on and for me that feels like I am leaving Jake behind. I was explaining this to a colleague and she told me that I am carrying him with me and not leaving him behind, so I am trying to keep telling myself that.

I was surprised at how tired being at work has made me, I am exhausted when I get home. Some days I have gone home at lunch time because I can't concentrate. I think my social battery is a bit low because I have hidden myself away since Jake died, but hopefully I will get used to it.

I hope everyone is doing ok xx

Oh @Downtoyou I’m so glad you went for it and it’s been good for you

I agree I hate feeling like I’m leaving Isabelle behind but then I also can’t keep her present in every moment of my day it’s too hard

I like to think that some of her energy went into those with her when she passed so we have her with us that way but it isn’t always much a comfort

Yes there isn’t much of a social battery allowance at the moment!

We went on the second holiday that Isabelle was meant to be on when we booked it. We drove down to the south of France, in a way it was lovely as I was in the back seat with our two boys and it really got me to be live in the moment and appreciate our beautiful family and our amazing children. It was with my partners family and none of them have really talked about Isabelle and a couple of them came to me for chats during the holiday which was so nice to have it acknowledged and her acknowledged.

Its just so hard, I’m sure you feel the same way, Isabelle was so worth saving she so deserved to be saved. I wish the world worked like that

Hi there,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your children.
I too lost my brave son in July 2024 he was 18 years old. He battled with cancer for 2and a half years
I am absolutely devastated and am trying to drag myself through life.
He was the life and soul in our family and now the house is so quiet.
Everytime I think of him which is every second of every day I’m reminded that I can never touch his skin again, never smell his smell and never feel his warm strong arms around me.
I have 2 other children who I love dearly but Teddie was my best friend and we were so close from the minute he was born.
I returned to work in September 2024 and although it’s a battle for me to even get out of my bed I find that while I’m there my brain focuses on work instead of the pure torture endured when I’m at home.
I am still waiting for counselling as there is a 9 month to 12 month wait which I find ridiculous. I’m not even sure it’s going to help as they haven’t experienced losing a child.
I just hope we can all find peace until we meet with our babies again.

@Jmarksy1 I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved Teddie, another child lost to cancer, it is so devastating. I haven't had any bereavement counselling, but I am considering it, I think there is something wrong with me because I have been too okay for the last few weeks, and that makes me feel like an awful mum. It has been 8 months now since Jake died. I think about him constantly but I don't get upset. I did have a cry on Christmas morning with my mum, and again over the new year but other than that I am pretty emotionless. My GP prescribed me Fluoxetine so maybe it's that, it has helped me stop reliving Jake's last moments over and over again, but seems to have numbed everything else as well. I don't know what is normal and what is not. Sending you all love x

Hi, I would like to join in too.
My daughter Ella died suddenly in November 2024. No cause of death is available yet. She was 21. She had battled an ED for 5 , but was in good recovery, so unsure if her death was related to that or not. Either way, I’m so so sad. I miss her so much. I will write more tomorrow as it’s nearly 11:30pm here and I need sleep. Love to you all.

@Downtoyou I am sorry to hear about the loss of Jake.
I haven’t been to the GP for medication as I just don’t want to numb anything right now but equally it’s what ever gets us through. . You are not an awful mum you are just living. I too relive every last moment and torture myself with if I would have done this or I should have done that. Love and hugs to you.
@LoudPlumDog
I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter Ella. It must be so hard to not know what the cause was and so devastating that it was sudden.
I am absolutely gutted that I have lost my boy but I did get to say bye to him which in a strange way I am grateful for. Love and hugs to you.

I am always here to talk as I think it helps to talk to other parents that have lost a child and also prefer talking to people I don’t know.