How do I help my friend?

[Rockchicknana]

OK this is a long one. BF and I have been friends for nearly 40 years. We got divorced at the same time, lost our parents and both lost an adult child, although in very different circumstances. We've always been very close. Up until her DS became ill we saw a lot of each other, including going away on trips with our DHs who get on very well. Obviously we didn't see much of each other whilst she was caring for her very sick DS but we were in constant contact and she knew I was there if she needed me. After her DS died I gently suggested she had some bereavement counselling but she was adamant that she was fine. I'd cared for my DM for two years and remember only too well the guilt I felt for feeling relieved that my life was no longer taken up with caring and hospital visits etc. I tried talking to my friend about this but she just refused to discuss how she was feeling so I didn't push it.

A few months later she got a rescue dog which became, in her own words, her 'baby'. She thoroughly spoilt the dog and refuses to leave it for more than a couple of hours, won't go on holiday without it, and when I do manage to get her out she's anxious the whole time and can't wait to get back to the dog. DH and I have never been invited to her house since she's had the dog and our whole friendship has drastically altered. I only see her if I suggest it and make all the arrangements.

Two years ago she was diagnosed with the same cancer that her DS died of and she immediately gave up, even though they'd caught it really early and it was cured with a course of radiotherapy. She gave up eating and nearly starved herself to death to the point of being hospitalised to be put on a drip and tube fed. She's since had the all clear.

She has now taken on the role of her much younger sister's carer, even though the DSis has nothing wrong with her apart from being massively overweight, drinking and smoking too much and lying in bed all day!

My take on this is that she's developed codependancy situations with both the dog and her DSis as a way of coping with the death of her DS. Apart from the fact that's she's no longer the friend I used to know, I can see the severe impact that this is having on her DH and rest of the family. I've spoken at length with her daughter who totally agrees with me but has given up trying to help her.

I love my friend dearly but just don't know how to get her to accept that she needs help. Should I not even try and just accept that this is the person she is now?

Thank you if you've read to the end!

It's hard - I don't think you should stop trying to help her but I do also think she's an incredibly tough life and even if she was to accept therapy or whatever other 'help' it wouldn't be anything like a quick fix, so I do think a degree of accepting she has her own coping mechanisms even if these aren't healthy, and not making your friendship conditional on her changing these has to be the way. Therapy really doesn't work well if someone is only engaging because other people think they should or to please others so you really can't force her anyway even if she was willing to be forced, if you see what I mean?

I'd be letting her call the shots personally, within your own boundaries of course - if she only wants to meet outside the house with the dog, meet her for dog walks but at a time and place that suits you. Sympathise with her struggles with her sister even if you privately think these are of her own making, you don't have to agree with her actions to empathise with the impacct. If you know caring for others rather than herself is what motivates her, can you make a big deal of how much her friendship means to you, how important she is to you, how much seeing her/talking to her helps you etc. I can imagine that however well meant, lots of pressure to do things she finds difficult, framed in a way that it's for her own good maybe would rankle a bit. Generally I'd just hang in there being a loving, supportive presence for her within what you can manage in your own life - I sympathise with the impact on her DH and DD, but equally you don't need to take on their burdens for them - or as by this point they're your friends too you can think of ways to support them as a family aside from your relationship with your friend, keep making sure your DH meets up with her DH, you can maybe see the DD for lunch/coffee if she'd like that separately?

My advice is just be a friend.

Please don’t push any of your own well meaning solutions, opinions, agenda or ideas on her, please don’t.

Put everything else out of your head.

Have a cup of tea with her, go on a dog walk for half an hour, it’s not your job to get her to accept anything.

Her family will do what they see fit with the impact of whatever she is doing to get through.

Just be a friend.

Thank you both for your responses. I didn't intend to come across as the pushy, interfering friend, so I'm sorry it sounded like that. We have always been more like sisters than friends and her family regard me as such. We have always been there for each other over the past 40 years and she has been my rock through some very dark times in my life. We've always had a very honest and open relationship - if I was doing something stupid she would be the first person to tell me, and vice versa.

We live about 2 hours drive apart, so popping in for a chat and a cup of tea isn't an option. Dog walking isn't an option either as the dog is a nightmare when out and can only be walked in a secure field where he can be let off the lead. Believe me when I say this is not your average well trained dog, he is so attached to her that he can be aggressive towards other people.

I met up with her yesterday for the first time in over six months and I was shocked at the deterioration in her mental health. I won't go into the details but after a long chat with her daughter last night we both feel that she has the early stages of dementia. In hindsight we think that this started some time ago, and would explain a lot of her behaviour. No amount of help is going to fix this and all we can do is be there as and when her husband needs us. Having never experienced dementia first hand I understand when people say that you grieve for the person you've lost long before they die. Thank you again for your responses.

Oh Rockchick I’m sorry.
So sorry that you are losing your lovely friend. It sounds so hard.
You sound a beautiful friend.