How to get over resentment?

[Dinoswearunderpants]

My darling daddy passed away a few months ago and I'm struggling hugely with resentment towards Mum.

My Mum and Dad had a very turbulent relationship. Mum had multiple affairs but Dad always let her come back. All he ever wanted was a family so sadly he let her get away with so much.

She did nothing for him. He did all the cooking, running around, bills etc. She did a bit of cleaning and that's it. She never worked.

He adored her. He knew exactly what she was like but he just wanted a family. He was a stuck in a kids home until he was adopted at 6 then his adopted parents passed away when he was early 20s.

Now Mum is playing the victim. The doting widow. I arranged the whole funeral, arranging all the paperwork. I'm even in the process of arranging a LPA for her as she can't do anything herself.

I feel so conflicted. I hate the way she treated my Dad but equally he chose to put up with it. Also part of me feel close to Dad when I see her.

I'd never cut all ties as I've already lost one parent. She has finally realised just how good she had it.

She's 72, not great health. I just don't know how to let go of this resentment. I'm seeing a counsellor but that's not doing much at the moment.

I can really understand this but from a slightly different perspective. I haven't got an easy answer unsurprisingly but I have found stoicism helpful. This isn't the stiff upper lip stuff, or the 'getting on with it' post WWII stoicism - which is what I always assumed it meant. It's the stoicism philosophy, which basically is about acceptance of things that have happened and can't be changed and appreciation of life and your values.

The reason I've taken this approach for a similar situation in my life is because I could just keep re-playing how unfair life can be and how some people are treated.

Presumably most people that have known your parents throughout their lives know what sort of people they were, and you have seen what a decent chap your dad was and some of your mum's failings.

Hopefully they gives you some comfort, and the fact your mum how recognises how good your dad was to her.

Thank you. What you've said really helps.

We can't control the past, it's done but we can shape the future.

I am currently being very mindful of my Mum's behaviour. I will never allow myself to be manipulated and she truly needs me more than I need her. I think that helps the situation for me.